Logical vs. Emotional relationships

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Exactly!

So, it's not possible to love from logic? We must love from emotion? Is it possible for logic to create emotion?

I think circumstances can create emotion. Although I'm not sure if that's anything to do with logic. Trying to surpress feelings is logical but actual feelings one can't do anything about, I think.

For me, a non-emotional relationship is a contradiction in terms. If I sleep with somebody a few times, I begin to feel bonded to them, I start wanting to protect them and I start having expectations of them. I used to think that having multiple partners might dilute the effect so that I could stay in better control of myself, but if became pretty clear that the women concerned weren't happy with that, and it always felt somehow wrong for me, so I went back to monogamy.

And I'd have thought that the only possible motivating force to find a relationship is emotional - if you never felt loneliness or the need to share and to give and receive love, surely you wouldn't want a relationship at all?

When relationships have gone wrong I've often thought it would be great to have no emotions, and to just work out the right things to say and do as if it were a technical problem, and sometimes I've even managed to force myself to look at things that way, just using my head, but it doesn't seem to work - either my behaviour turns out to be a rationalisation of denied emotions, or it just makes people think I'm a heartless bastard. It's really difficult for Aspies because our feelings can be so latent.

TouchDiamond described what I experienced very well. I realized that my emotions are latent. I think it is due to the hyper-emotional response more so than a lack thereof. I was always able to shut down when I needed to, but a few years ago I met someone in which I lost that ability to logically temper my emotions. In this process, I also outgrew lots of negative aspie traits.

Perhaps emotions have an intelligence?

Yes to all of the above, but for the last question I think it's mostly in an indirect way. For example, if you use logic to solve a problem that has been perplexing you, you may suddenly find yourself feeling relief and happiness, like a weight suddenly being lifted from your shoulders. It's consistent with Snazzlestick's thought that circumstances can create emotion, as logic can be used to alter circumstances, which then affect emotions. But love is inherently an emotional state.

It could seem like logic can create love, since as described above it looks like

logic --> circumstances --> emotions --> love

but the link between circumstances and emotions is passive rather than active, so you can't really directly control emotions through changing circumstances. The best you can do is change circumstances and then hope that a certain emotional response is elicited. Depending on past experiences and learned behaviors, and other present circumstances the desired response might not occur.


To me a logical relationship that is not based on emotions is akin to a business deal. Not that that's bad or evil or less than desirable, simply different from a relationship that is based on emotions.

But I think you bring up a good point about how AS folks' feelings and emotions can be so latent. For me personally, I'd still be a heartless bastard if I were never exposed to dogs and never experienced the emotional satisfaction of loving my dog.


Yeah, though it's too bad many AS folks are quick to dismiss this since it's not the "intelligence" we are used to. They think that since it's not intelligence that follows the logic pattern, then emotions cannot make sense.

Well, I'm very pleased with your response StinkyPuppy. Would anyone like to add examples from their personal life to illustrate how logic can create circumstances which create love for another person?

Let's say someone gets together for logical reasons, and then later becomes comfortable with her. He spends time with her and learns to love her. Is this the same as meeting someone and having chemistry with them, but let's say there are obstacles which get in their way. Who wins, logic or emotion? It's the stuff that movies are made of. In movies, usually there is a happy ending and emotion wins. What is more ideal though? Is the ideal a foolish idea?

I picked my husband because he accepted me for who I am and didn't expect me to change. He often tells me I am being logical than emotional so that's an example of a logical relationship. I look at things differently. When I give him support, it's logical than emotional.

Even though my feels went away about him, I stayed. I know everyone has strong feelings about each other when they first meet and then they go away. Mine have to be extreme for me to feel them and they were extreme when I met him. And then they went away and I feel nothing. I think it was his personality I liked and his acceptance of me.

I go to the ASD Relationship board and I see how irrational people act there about their aspie partners and it made me realize how much I love my husband and how lucky I am. But it changed me in some ways.

I just feel detached to people and I don't need the closeness or the contact.

You are lucky SpokaneGirl. Can I see a picture of the two of you?

I think both play into love, and other factors too, and the balance may vary in different relationships.

So, I guess the answer is sorta.

He's lost weight since then.


http://s71.photobucket.com/albums/i156/ ... 405619.jpg



PS he won't let me post Before and After pics of him about his weight.

Hmmm......I heard there was a bit of research that suggested Aspies' apparent inability to empathise might be due to the feelings being too strong to cope with, rather than just not being there. Certainly in my time I've felt some very powerful feelings of (something like) empathy which have been out of all proportion to the causes.



I guess you mean like a "marriage of convenience." I've also known of people having an almost purely sexual relationship while somehow avoiding any big emotional commitment.....rather like mutual prostitution. I did have one relationship that was a little bit like that, a long time ago. The woman was in a stable marriage but her husband had always refused to do the monogamy thing, and was only sexually interested other women, so I didn't feel so guilty, and as the terms of the "deal" were set from the start, I never had any raised expectations. She was quite a bit older than I was, which might have helped me to keep the relationship in perspective. A similar thing happened between me and a lady of my own age, and although I went through a phase where I felt quite cut up (because I wanted more than that), I was able to remain very positive towards her. It was always the ones who promised fidelity and all the other usual commitments but failed to deliver them, that caused my behaviour to deteriorate. Of course there's a huge difference between breaking the rules and just not having those rules in the first place. In the end I figured that I was wasting my time with these "convenience deals" and I went back to the traditional thing. It's a lot less carefree and luxurious, to say the least, but it seems to be what I want.

You both look happy. Thanks for sharing your story.

ToughDiamond wrote:

This doesn't sound ideal to me. Living like that would make me sad.

Oh, it wasn't ideal. Being free to find other partners, I eventually did so, and that led me to end both those "open relationships" in order to give the monogamous ones a fair chance. I also became quite suspicious of anybody who didn't seem to expect fidelity, because I'd noticed that in spite of these open contracts, nobody involved truly saw sexual rivals as anything other than bad news, and the fine declarations we'd make to each other about respecting freedom etc. turned out to be a load of hooey. I guess we just didn't know ourselves very well back then.

The relationships weren't unhappy as such, and they were a lot better than nothing at the time, but the jealousy feelings and the endings were always hurtful. The most difficult thing was when I'd moved on to a traditional relationship and I happened to bump into the lady I'd previously been in the open relationship with. She was at a very low ebb emotionally and I realised I could do nothing to help her because that would have been a threat to my new relationship. It's very hard to have to watch somebody you once cared a lot about, falling to pieces when you can't protect them. Admittedly it was really her own fault, as she'd insisted on the open deal from the start, when I'd have much preferred the traditional deal, but I still felt that somehow I'd let her down.

Isn't a logical relationship kinda along the same lines as an arranged marriage? (Well, depending on the time/place/status you think of with that concept..) The point is largely compatibility and stability-- you get two people together with similar values, similar wants, similar expectations out of life, in the hopes that that will minimize conflict and produce stability, and that those things will produce fondness and eventually love. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't; same as emotionally based relationships. Sometimes love conquers all, and sometimes it burns you. It all depends on what you want, just because something is right for some people doesn't mean it's right for others. Life would certainly be simpler if what worked for one person worked for everyone else, and the other way around.. but one horror story doesn't mean that it won't make someone else happy, and one happily-ever-after doesn't mean that a similar situation won't make someone else miserable.