How to do better with understanding others in relationships

Post Reply New Topic

I'm wondering if someone can offer some advice on how to handle understanding others better? I have always have trouble understanding others point of view in close relationships unless they tell me directly, unless it comes out in discussion. Other people get so angry at me, and I don't understand why. I want to understand them, and so I ask questions to try to, but it seems to anger them (at least the people I have lived with, but I know they have issues, so I may not have this problem with everyone, idk). It's painful and I can't imagine living the rest of my life having so much trouble with people, I feel stupid and immature. I have trouble understanding their values. I feel like I don't understand meaning at all. I began to, but not much. When we agree on something, or something is "resolved", it doesn't stick with me, unless it's somehow concrete. I don't understand that when someone asks me to clean up the deck, and they don't say that it's urgent, how they can be so angry if I don't do it right away or soon. I guess it doesn't make sense to me, when I have other urgent things to do. I don't understand how I violate other people's boundaries or values, because I don't know what they are. How am I supposed to know? Especially if they don't tell me directly. Or if they do, but in little bits and pieces. I just try to sustain myself and take care of myself, I don't try to violate others, yet somehow in just trying to keep to myself, I am violating others. Yet, I feel violated myself if someone invades my boundaries/bubble. Can someone help me understand?

This is more of a communication misunderstanding on your partner's part. They need to understand how you communicate better.

As rule of thumb, people with Autism/Asperger's communicate on a single level, in a single channel, in a literal manner, while NTs communicate on several levels (mostly non-verbal and bodily) simultaneously, process each level at the same time using multiple channels, and use mostly figurative language. This is mostly subconscious.

When he talked about cleaning up the deck he probably actually meant that it was very important you do it, and he wanted it done soon though not right away. He would have communicated this through the non-verbal channels and you would have missed this.

Even when taught about Aspies/Auties unique communication needs, many NTs continue to communicate as they do because it's subconscious and they're so used to it. It takes practice to consciously communicate in the single channel, literal, manner.

In any case, if they're not communicating the way you need from them, their anger/frustration, while understandable, is unfair. They have no right to blame you for not doing what they ask if they have not made their needs clear to you - but in the manner you are capable of understanding.

You also have the right to negotiate and ask for more information: "What time do you want me to clean the deck up by?" "How would you feel if I didn't clean it up by then?" "I have things to do and may not clean the deck by then, what if instead I have it cleaned up by this other time?"

Hmm yes I have miscommunication problems a lot, and it does tend to accumulate in a relationship (ie. couple or close associate) until the other person feels, um, unloved or rejected. This usually results in anger.

I suspect this dynamic has several aspects, involving not feeling listened to or responded to in the way they need. I have also been told that my face is "robotic", which I interpret to mean that I am not responding in an, um, emotional manner (?)

At the moment I am trying to improve this form of communication by using positive language and asking the other person to rate the importance of what they want.

For example, if the other asked me to tidy the deck, I first say "Okay" (positive), then "how important is it" or "when does that have to happen?" and the other person can respond. For this to work it needs a pre-agreed measurement, eg. rated 1 to 10. Then, I make sure that if it is important I write it in my diary and make sure that I do it. Then the other person (hopefully) feels that I have considered the importance of their request and taken it seriously.

This method is most effective with new relationships (of whatever sort), because the other person is more likely to simply accept it as how you communicate, rather than being a change in communication method - it is easier to start fresh than to change established interpersonal patterns.

Another thing that other people seem to require is compliments.

I really don't grasp this requirement at all, because, to me, if I am in a relationship (eg. partner or friend) I obviously like and approve of that person. However, other people enjoy compliments and they are important social currency.

I find that I have to deliberately schedule "paying compliments" to partners, friends and children, because this helps maintain the relationship. Paying compliments can also help if usual communication is somehow not "emotional" enough for the other person (see above).

One important thing that I recommend looking up is passive-aggressive behaviour. Learning to identify this is valuable.

When other people behave passive-aggressive I find it extremely confusing and I assume that it is my own communication defect, when it is not the case.

If you are generally respectful of other people's boundaries, and try to communicate clearly... but the other person gets covertly angry, blames you for the miscommunication and you end up feeling stupid and immature... this is a typical interaction with a passive-aggressive person. If this happens a lot I recommend you find new people to practise communication with, because many people do have advanced communication skills. Find them.

good luck!

From a Transactional Analytical Perspective, Compliments are a form of "stroking", a social form of showing the other person is of continuing value to you. I agree that being in a relationship with them shows worth of them to you, but they may still need something that shows you still love them and value them, as opposed to taking them for granted or allowing the relationship to become purely ritualistic or "in a rut".

Compliments are also be a means of intimacy, depending of the level of intimacy in the meaning. Compare the compliment "you look nice today" with "you set my heart on fire and make my soul sing with joy". Depending on how your relationship has developed, and the level of intimacy you want and your partner wants, a wrong compliment can seem to them too intense or lacking in intimacy.

A relationship needs to keep moving forward, even if it remains at the same intimacy. (Right) compliments can move a relationship forward.

Communication mismatches are not only an NT - Aspie thing. I would suggest getting a good resource on the Enneagram - Palmer's Enneagram in Love and Work is excellent for the purpose.

http://www.amazon.com/Enneagram-Love-Wo ... 0062507214

It has really helped us understand what goes on and come closer to communication.

The "in a rut" comment really interested me.

My wife constantly says I am detached from her and our kids. I am not sure how to convey this, but being "in a rut" is something that is very comforting? to me in a relationship. I am not physical and PDA drives me nuts. I like having the same person that I understand. Once past the "honeymoon" period isn't the rest a rut and what makes a long relationship, a long relationship by definition?

I guess what I am saying is I like the rut. The rut defines what a long relationship is and the fact that I like being in it with the other person should show that I really truly care about them. Not sure how others stay out of the rut or make their partner feel like it is not a rut.

little off-topic i guess, but goes back to how to communicate with your partner so the relationship is mutually beneficial.

It's rough, isn't it - these bastards run their whole civilisation as though every one of them was fully equipped. And there are 1 per cent or so of us out here that just don't make it. If it was something obvious like a leg we were missing they'd help, but it's 97% of our communication ability that's not there. So they make it our fault, because - get this - they don't understand.

Me too, in a way. Definitely there's a lot to be said for a nice, comfy rut. Anybody who complains about being in one still needs to explain what exactly it is about the routine they're in that makes it so uncomfortable for them.

Though I think there are two different kinds of people in that respect - one type will settle down fine as long as the routine is fairly nice. The other type will never settle with anything, they won't be happy unless they're planning and implementing significant changes to "better themselves." So if you get one of each type living together, it'll be hard to reach any kind of acceptable compromise.

I don't really know quite where I am on ruts and routines. Over-ambitious people annoy me a lot, but I can get very bored if I'm not myself "pushing the envelope," so if I record a very good piece of music, I'll feel inadequate if the next one isn't even better. I'll put tons of energy into improving my skills and my life, but it's often imperceptible to others unless they're sharing the particular project with me.

I'd definitely take it as a scary sign if a partner said she was in a rut.......one of them ended our relationship soon after saying that to me, and a lady I know said that one of the main reasons she ditched her boyfriend was because he just didn't do "dynamic," and wasn't really part of her "work hard, play hard" ethos, but was too content with resting on his laurels. Another complained that she "couldn't get anything done" with her bf, and they separated soon afterwards. So I think it's one of those compatibility issues that needs attention before starting a relationship. I can see how big differences in the "trait" could turn out ot be a real pain in the butt.

You can't please everybody all the time. Some people would not be satisfied if you spent all day cleaning the deck and doing other chores they set. Sometimes, you get to deal with reasonable people who try to work things out for everyone, and other times, you have to resist getting co-opted by people who think they should be the focus of everything.