Should an Aspie adult have children?

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I do have a man who loves me. He's an NT, I'm an Aspie (he doesn't even know I'm an Aspie and if I told him he will be surprised because my social skills aren't too bad. I just told him I've got a few learning difficulties, cos I'm not bright like Aspies should be). I don't know whether I should have a baby because:-
1. It might be very Autistic, and I can't cope with having a child who is (no offense) really ret*d
2. I have a big fear of being sick, and children get a lot of stomach viruses and the thought of having to clean their sick up fills me with fear and discust, and I don't want to catch the virus
3. I might get confused on what I have to do with the bottle-feeding - I know that having a baby is a full-time job
4. It might be the type of baby what cries more than the average baby/toddler
5. It might be deformed. I'm not being horrible and I don't mean it personally to anyone with relatives with deformities, but I am frightened of deformed-looking people with no faces or something

But I would really love a baby - except for my worse fears, which are these 5 points.

Like a lot of other parents on this board, I wasn't diagnosed when I had my kids. However, I still knew that I was "different", and when I had my first one at 23, I was completely unprepared for being a parent. I was really pathetic. I had never baby sat and never held a baby, and now here I was with my own. LOL. I got her home and she started to cry. Neither me nor my NT husband had any idea what to do. I had to read the instructions on the box of disposable diapers in order to change her. I got Dr. Spock's book, and a bunch of other books, and also asked my mother for advice. Within a week I was a pro, but she was my child. I had zero interest in dealing with anybody else's babies.

Being a parent is a bit of an alien concept to an aspie (some more than others). I won't say it has been easy, either. My first has many "shadow traits" of asperger's. My second is an extrovert NT. My older one and I have always had an easy, straight-forward way of communicating. My younger one was always a "mommy's girl" but as she got older and saw other NT mothers, I suspect she was a bit disappointed in my non-social ways. However, she has always liked my no-nonsense approach, my exceptional truthfulness regarding life (I never sugar-coated stuff for my kids. Why protect them from what's real and fill their head with fantasies?), and my reliability at always being there at home for her when I wasn't at work.

As far as the noise bothering me, neither of my children hardly cried at all. I chalk that up to me being always able to anticipate their needs before they got frustrated so they were very content and quiet generally. Of course, if they get sick, they'll cry some. They may puke on you, or you may have to clean up stuff that'll make you gag, but the funny thing is, when it's your own little sweetie, it's not as bad.

I think becoming a parent has really developed me as a human living among humanity. My normal predisposition is to hide and observe in the shadows, to take the desk at the back of the class by the door, and to be a hermit at home for many days at a time if I can get away with it. Having kids who need you means that you don't get to hide, you have to get out there, get them to school, deal with their teachers, deal with their little friends and the little friend's parents, birthday parties, Christmas, school plays, etc. You become involved in their world and so are drawn out of your own. I think it has made my soul infinitely larger and wiser. You learn that you can love another human being more than you love yourself, in a way that the other poster said, you would easily die for them, and there would be no hesitation. That kind of love is mighty powerful! I am glad that I became a parent, even thought I am now, at age 48, 1/2 grey.

Bottom line: If you want kids, are cool with whatever they are born to be, and understand the long-term heavy commitment they require in order to grow and thrive, then go for it. If you are worried about genetics, and your genetic history is rife with PDD, retardation, and other mental abberations, then think twice. If you don't want kids, great. You live in an age where you can still be sexually active and not be a parent (yay!). My oldest is now 25 and married, and doesn't want any children. She is afraid of passing on our "dysfunction". I respect her decision. She is doing the right thing for her. My younger one is excited to have children and is already thinking of names, because it's right for her.

If you can't make up your mind, I would lean on the side of "no". Once you have them, do you really want them to feel unwanted? Everybody should be wanted by their parents, and accepted just the way they are.

I think it'd be cruel if I had children, knowing that I'm at risk of having an autistic child. It's not fair on the child. I struggled through life ever since I was 4 - why should I bring another child into the world who is going to suffer?

But then I think to myself my young life is ticking away.
There's going to come a day where I will be 35 years old and feel more ready and happy to have children - then realise I'm too old and that I'm more at risk than ever of having a handicapped child.

Disabilities frighten me - I'm afraid of my own disability.

Joe90, when you're 35 and ready to have a child, consider adoption if you are concerned over any inherited disabilities. Just a thought.

Just a note: my parents had me, their first and only, at 43 and 40!

(So I never felt rushed, waiting to 'grow up' enough. Now I am 43... and within weeks after turning that age, found out about A/S. Hmh! Very interesting.)

Anyhow, back to you...

Personally, I don't think most adults at should have children at ALL. Look how messed up kids and their parents are now. Look how messed up the world is now! Look how overpopulated it is. It costs way too much money to raise them and you can't even yet your kid go out and play in the yard without them getting kidnapped or killed. Predators are everywhere, and they'll probably die before you do because of obesity. It's just not worth it anymore.

I am a 50 yr old aspie adult with 3 grown children. I didn't know I was aspie untill recently. It is very difficult to be a partent in the best of circumstances. I had a very hard time. I rarely ever make eye contact. In fact I didn't even know there was such a thing untill one of my sons asked me why I didn't, he was 11. This made me aware and I forced myself to make some eye contact but it still doesn't come naturally. There is so much social stuff to do when you have kids. school is a huge social situation with many expectations for parents. Then there are Dr appointments, dentist appts, play dates, socializing in the neighborhood etc etc. There is less time to decompress when you get overloaded. I could go on and on. I love my kids so much! All 3 have problems. One I think is aspie, but not diagnosed, tho his therapist agrees that he might be. Anyway, I think they have some problems because thay were raised by an aspie mom, and some getetic factors as well. Like I said, I love them, but knowing what I know now I wouldn't do it again.

I haven't read this whole thread- it would take me too long but from what I've seen, the beginning and the end, this seems to be quite negative. I am a single mum to a five year old and yes, it is very hard work but to be honest I don't know any different! I have been with him full time since I divorced when he was one year old. His father is an NT who doesn't give a toss apart from playing power games on a regular basis and not bothering to spend time with his son. Frankly having a NT husband was like having an extra child! My story is apparently not unusual.

I should probably add that I was unaware of my Aspie-ness until the start of this year and my relationship was largely based on sex and impulse- we never once had an emotional conversation. However being a parent has proved to be the making of me. It has helped me to identify priorities outwith myself, and through seeing my son's actions (he's likely aspie too according to school) and reactions to milestones and circumstances, his traits and impulses, his needs, rigidity interests and how he expresses himself unburdened by social norms he hasn't encountered yet, Ive come to terms with who I am and my experiences. Why I grew up 'different' from others. Recognising my AS has helped me be a better parent too, as I now try not to make him calm down, chill out or be more 'normal'... he's free to be himself!

I believe I was lucky to grow up not knowing about AS (it was dismissed in the 80s me being a girl) as I learned to accept that I was just different, rather than labelled. The experiences I had being bullied, a loner, overly academic, incredibly rigid morally made my journey long and hard but now I'm incredibly strong and I'm very proud of who I am now... So much so I'm going into life coaching. In recognising my own talents and worth, I am going to bring up my son to have that confidence that took me 29yrs to develop.

After all we're different, not deficient...

Ask yourself this... Would you rather you weren't born than have AS?
I know my son wouldn't... he's a very happy child- and I wouldn't!
Then there's no reason not to have children- Ive even heard it said that Asperger's is an evolutionary development, lol- I know I am more in touch with instinct and intuition than my 'emotionally cluttered' friends and frankly, I'm better than most people I know at most things- and have an IQ of 163, so maybe there's some truth in it! Now I know I have AS Ive also stopped worrying about sounding boastful or breaking taboos. I am what I am and these are facts. Isn't normal just 'conformist' anyway?

In answer to the first question... maybe you both wanting different things is more a reflection on the relationship than the morality of reproducing.. Or of your personal circumstances and lifestyles/ personality traits? Keep talking and if you both want different things, maybe it's not the relationship for you long term. Live here and now, and enjoy it for as long as it lasts. But I say good for you for getting this far... I can't really give out advice I've yet to use the word 'relationship' verbally without gagging and I'm (very nearly) 30!

I am an officially diagnosed parent with Asperger's. Do I believe an Aspie adult should have children? Absolutely, yes. My wife and I have two sons. Our youngest son (9 years old) is officially diagnosed with Asperger's, and our oldest son (14) has several Asperger's traits. I would not want my sons any other way. That is part of their charm. We belong to an autism support group---mainly we just do a lot of family get-togethers to movies and game centers. I personally love being around autistic children---and there are all degrees of the autism spectrum represented at these.

Embracing a family and taking on the responsibility of children is every bit as self-centered as the person who can honestly assert they do not want to have children, then back up that assertion with reason.

If she doesn't want children and you do, could be a dealbreaker for her. Doesn't matter what the risks are.

I have HFA and my only child was born with down syndrome. Oddly enough my sister child (niece) have autism but my sister is bipolar. My brother baby I don't see much but I can tell he is delayed when I do see him. my brother have ADD and more stuff. my other siblings all have disorders and I'm sure there kids will too.

It is hard for me to be a parent. Kobe father is a aspie, and when Kobe was born his father just left. He came back when Kobe was two, I told him to go kill himself.
Now at the age of five I wish I haven't of done that.

So, I am self-centered in thinking the way I do... it's up to each person to decide if they want kids or not. I made my choice. As a result, not having kids frees me up to do other things, like hosting an autism support/social group for AS adults. Not having kids frees me up to go out and socialize a good deal in the NT community. Not having kids (and not being involved in a relationship with anyone) allows me to get away on the weekends when I want without having to ask, "Gee, can we do this or that?" It allows me to do a fair amount of travelling. I don't have as much of a possibility if I am a parent. If I am a parent, I am restricted by what I can do because of the responsibility involved with raising a child. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to totally understand that.

As for Francis's comments, those are his comments and his choice to make the comments he did. If he feels I am self centered, so be it. I can understand why he felt the way he did in making his comments. People who are parents feel that their kids are great gifts to them. Why should any parent feel any less about that? If I was a parent and I had kids, I would feel the same as all these parents. However, I can understand why I made the comments I did, too. Some people were meant to be parents, and some weren't. I am no less of a person never having been a parent than Francis is being a parent. Any reasonable human being could understand that. Definitely, I feel no less worthy of being a person than the individual who is a parent, just because that person brought life into this world and I didn't.

So, if this means I am self-centered for living my life the way I do, then I am self-centered and I will continue living out my dream. That's my choice, and no one will take that from me (just as I don't take anyone's choice of being a parent). Now, it's time to continue planning out my autism support/social group for people locally who can benefit by it. If that's also self-centered because I am making a difference in people's lives in a very good way, then let me be self-centered all the more. I'll leave it at that.

It's better then aspie children having children.

I chose not to have kids before I ever discovered there was a label to my many "symptoms".

I just never felt the urge to have them myself. I am different that way from many. Doesn't mean I have to put down another's life or feel I have to defend my choice.

The world is full of unwanted kids. And there are too many people on the planet. And kids are expensive to raise right in this part of the world. So what? Our country is not overpopulated, and if you WANT kids, that's excellent, at least they will be WANTED and treasured. You certainly can't control everything in life and if parenting is where your journey took you, be proud and do the best job you can with them. I think figuring out how to be happy is pretty important. Many of us spent unhappy lives because we were not recognized as "OKAY" in our differences and spent fruitless energy being punished or shunned for our differentness. The person who says she's not trying to make her aspie kids be so called "normal" is probably a really good parent, especially since her son is happy.

But if one more NT person tells me they feel sorry for me because I never had kids, I may just have to laugh in their faces. For me it would have been an awful choice and made me so unhappy. I am much happier without them. Why doesn't society recognize that as valid?

Sounds like the start of a rhyme, sung in the "He's a lumberjack" style.