Alone To Not Alone?
Thank you for this post. It makes me feel better for myself. I used to torture myself for my inability to form relationship.
I'm 39 and still single, never have been in a relationship. The most I ever done was go out with the same girl three time and after that run like a plague. Unfortunately, being Asian means you will be tortured by mum, sister, grandpa, uncles, even nephew, nieces, church members, friends, strangers.
At age 39, I have learn to cope with protruding questions regarding marriage
Stranger (usually "grand aunties" whom you can't escape answering, for it would be extremely rude): Are you married?
Me: No
S: How old are you?
Me: 39
S: Why you have married yet?
Me: Don't know
S: You cannot any woman?
Me: Don't Know
S: Do you want me to find for you?
Me: Ok
S: What kind of girl you are looking for?
Me: Pretty and educated (at least University)
S: You need to lower your expectation?
Me: Why?
S: You are too old
Me: hmmm...................end of conversation.........and the same person never approach with subject again.
Unfortunately, I have two visit a new church next, next Sunday to meet a girl whom I saw last Sunday gawking at me. Huh!.
Again my standardized answer to handle this problem.
The girl usually say this after some meaningless conversation and about time to leave the meeting.
G: I'm ok with whatever you decision is (meaning she is willing to marry me)
Me: Ok, I will let u know asap
Next 2 weeks: think hard to find an excuse to say no (usually the most stressful time of my life)
After two weeks: "Haven't figure it out yet.
Taupey
Veteran
Joined: 24 Feb 2010
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,168
Location: Somewhere between juvenile and senile.
My biology lab partner in college was Indian (from India), she ran away from home because she wanted to be in love before she married. Her parents wanted to pick a husband for her. She ended up in a terrible accident here in the US and I don't know what ever happened to her.
I believe it's possible to become use to someone being around you and grow to love them. But I would really feel strange marrying someone I wasn't in love with. I think it would make the relationship even more difficult. I don't do well at all with people trying to fix me up with someone either. People just need to mind their own business and stay out of mine. It's not always easy to tell them that and for them to understand.
_________________
Whatever you think you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. ~Goethe
Your Aspie score: 167 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 35 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie.
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
I hear you, Taupey! Back when I was content to be single and just raise my child and work, I had well meaning co-workers who kept trying to manage my "love life." If I didn't show interest in whatever man they were trying to fix me up with, they speculated on my orientation. They just couldn't understand that I wasn't looking, wasn't ready, or still healing from a very bad relationship.
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner
Taupey
Veteran
Joined: 24 Feb 2010
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,168
Location: Somewhere between juvenile and senile.
I hear you, Taupey! Back when I was content to be single and just raise my child and work, I had well meaning co-workers who kept trying to manage my "love life." If I didn't show interest in whatever man they were trying to fix me up with, they speculated on my orientation. They just couldn't understand that I wasn't looking, wasn't ready, or still healing from a very bad relationship.
Yes and I hated when they would surprise me with someone at a BBQ or dinner. I don't go out anymore unless I'm by myself.
_________________
Whatever you think you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. ~Goethe
Your Aspie score: 167 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 35 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie.
I think that it is wonderful that you are all comfortable with how you are living. I think it is rude for people to make judgements or ask personal questions. I don't have children, and strangers will often ask me if I have children and when I say no they will ask why. That frankly is none of their business.
I think everyone needs to make their own life choices. When a person with AS pursues relationships, even though they may not really want one, that is not good for anyone.
I strongly believe that a man I have been having a relationship with has AS. He pursued me and claimed that even though he has been single for a long time, it was not his choice or what he wanted. However, I'm not sure that he actually does want to be in a relationship and the mixed messages he gives me..push me away, then pull me close have driven me to tears many times.
So...to those of you who know what you want and are comfortable being who you are, you are doing the right thing. So much hurt and pain can come from pretending to be someone else. And subjecting another person to that pain, in order to fit in, is a very cruel thing.
GoonSquad
Veteran
Joined: 11 May 2007
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,748
Location: International House of Paincakes...
I’m simply indifferent to most people. It’s very rare that I find someone I click with personality wise and have a physical attraction for. Therefore, my relationships have always been few and far between.
Lately, I find they just aren’t worth the effort at all. I found a smart, funny, attractive woman (who was actually attracted to me), but she was just too needy. She expected phone calls, emails, and texts all the time. I tried to explain that with, work, school, and AS (I require a certain amount of solitude) that constant attention wasn’t going to happen.
She claimed to understand but remained as needy and solicitous as ever. She stressed me out so bad I had to stop seeing her. I think that’s the first time I’ve terminated a relationship.
As I get older, relationships seem like too much work. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have another. I certainly won’t in the near term. I have too much other stuff to do.
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No man is free who is not master of himself.~Epictetus
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
That happened to me with a female friend. When I became friends with her, we were both single. When I started seeing the guy I am with now, she began to behave very needy, and kept wanting to talk on the phone or make plans to "hang out" as she called it. No matter how many times I put her off, she kept demanding that I spend time with her. She also made disparaging remarks about my boyfriend so I had to terminate the friendship.
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner