Timid aspie husband

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The OP is obviously sensitive to someone pointing out the obvious in regards to how she describes her husband; but, if she is just being unkind from frustration and really loves her husband, I'd strongly recommend couples therapy to sort out her growing resentment and frustration and how his AS is interfering with his professional life.

I just know that I wouldn't want my husband saying those things about me.

On the employment topic, since money is not an issue, recommend that he start his own business doing something he would really enjoy doing. Support him forging out his own path. Your income covers the bases while he sorts himself out and, who knows, his savant may kick in and he might make you all very comfortable for the rest of your lives.

You should keep in mind that what's wrong isn't just asperger syndrome, it's a life spent not knowing about asperger syndrome.

OK, learning about it is a decade or so's work in itself, and redressing the damage of several decades lived not knowing what's going on is another, but give the guy a break. He didn't know what was going on.

Of course, now he does know you can put the bite on him: perform or else. If (and he probably will) he chooses the else at least you have the rest of your life back.

Been there, done that, Malisha. In 2008, I resigned from the company I work now. Six months after my resignation, my immediate boss who made comments - which should have resulted in me filing a lawsuit against that company - was fired from there. I am both dx'd AD/HD combined and AS (an interesting combination that took a good two years for me to get used to living with). I was timid at the time, and did not let him know how I was feeling. The last comment he made to me was "If you can't get cured of your AD/HD, you don't have a place here." So instead of finding a lawyer and beginning lawsuit proceedings, I resigned from the company because I couldn't take the harassment any longer. Then, the AD/HD and AS diangoses sank into me, and I began the recovery process in my life. I ended up working in a sandwich shop between the first time I worked there and the current time now after I returned there (see next paragraph).

Long story short, the same company got in contact with me about two years after my resignation, and wanted to talk with me about going back to the company. I told the company what happened the first time, and it could not believe what had taken place because no one knew about it. Well, about a hour into the conversation, I chose to return to the company (with a big pay raise and immensely better working conditions). I feel the experience from the first time I worked there has better prepared me this time. I am able to advocate for myself, and everything has been much better the second time than the first.

And like you said, I would have preferred to being fired than to do anything that would have gotten me in trouble with the police. I just wanted out of that environment. Now, I'm back, and my fellow co-workers depend upon my technical expertise on many projects. I'm an example of being in the right place at the right time, and realizing the need to advocate for myself (and soon to advocate for others who may have AS or AD/HD). Back then, I chose not to tell senior management or the owner, because I had no idea how good of a working relationship the guy had with the other management. I work at a very small company, so you can imagine the uncertainty I had in this situation.

As for RightGalaxy's situation, I would let him go. I am very thankful that my then girlfriend chose to let me go and ended the relationship. By allowing me to be free from the relationship, she enabled me to get the help I needed and to adjust to living my life with both AD/HD Combined and AS. I thank her for doing what she did, because it's gotten me to where I am today in my life.

Jazz

Hey RightGalaxy, your post resonated with me. I commend you for being able to stick it out in your workplace and provide for your family.

My beloved godson is ASD and his dad is lot like your husband. His mom is a close friend of mine and I get so frustrated watching the dad undermine the financial stability of the family and fail completely to do any appropriate parenting whatsoever. The mom has a good job and it's demanding. Additionally, she does a ALL of the work in the home.

That dad has been in councilling for three years now and nothing has changed. Though I am a fan of getting help through counciling, not everything can be fixed.

I am blown away by JazzofLife's post. I thoroughly agree with his recommendation and underlying reason for it.

The OP's description sounds a lot like me, apart from the christianity (so much for "blessed are the meek!"). I've occasionally fought back successfully, I've even been downright masterful a couple of times, but the experience, although ultimately positive, has never reduced my aversion to open conflict, so every time there's a challenge, I'm just as scared as ever.

Workplace conflicts scare me more than any other, because I always expect any aggression on my part to come to the attention of the bosses, who may then see me as a threat and try to get rid of me. My current plan is to leave my current job as soon as I've saved enough to tide me over till retirement.....the idea of applying for another job just feels like trying to choose from 57 varieties of hell. I hate the world of work because of the special anxiety I get there when the demands seem impossible for me, or when my colleagues or bosses get competitive or aggressive....I hate it because everything I do is on somebody else's terms - I have to do what they want, when they want it, where they want it, with the tools they say I must use - they try to dictate the speed I work, the volume of work I do....in short I'm given no control worth talking about. When the going gets hard, my first instinct is to quit the job, though I've hung on here for 20 years. When I've fought back, I've had severe anxiety, hypertension, and sleepless nights.

Some of the work is interesting, but most of it isn't, and I feel that my time at work is a complete waste of my life, and I often get home too tired and frustrated to get anything worthwhile done in the evenings. I feel I'm forced to wear a mask at work - admittedly I also tend to wear masks just to socialise with people, but the difference there is that socialising is something I've chosen to do, nobody's forcing me, so I don't feel so resentful.

I also recognise that tendency to be all meek and gentle with most people but quite harsh with partners. In a way it's understandable, because I feel safer with partners, being so much closer to them, and they say your partner is naturally going to be your worst critic. To some extent it's normal - people do tend to be more polite with those they're not so close to, and it creates a tension that will tend to burst out as soon as I'm with somebody close. I was very Jekyll-and-Hyde in my first serious relationship, and felt ashamed of the way I treated my partner very harshly (and honestly) while using a soft touch with everybody else. I've made a lot of progress - I've realised that there's a difference between being more honest and losing track of all sensitivity towards their feelings.

But my "meekness" with people I'm not close to is somehow quite well hidden. I don't come over as timid, you'd have to look carefully and count up how many times I contradicted people and challenged them, and how suspiciously forgiving I can be.

Strangely, I hate to see other people behaving very meekly. I feel a strong urge to protect them, and have even started fights with people who are bullying them, but I also feel furious with the meek, I want to scream at them, "WHY WON'T YOU STAND UP FOR YOURSELF????" Maybe it's because I see the same trait in them that I despise so much in myself. Also, when it's a loved one, I feel they're indirectly hurting me, because they let themselves get hurt and of course that grieves me too.

I'm atheist myself, but I can see how christianity could be used as a cloak for weakness. I used to only feel safe among hippies, because of their gentle, noncompetitive ethos - it's a lot like christianity with its emphasis on love and peace. They were also very non-judgemental people...one thing Aspies usually can't stand is judgemental folks who will immediately label them as inferior just because of trivial and harmless differences in superficial behaviour. Most mainstreamers seem to work like that, and personally I wish they'd all go take a running jump.

Advice?

1. Try to understand his attitude to jobs - working for salary really is a lot worse for Aspies because of the traits....you can't expect him to cope well unless the employer is very well-versed in autism and prepared to make some serious adjustments. The last thing he wants is a wife who makes him feel like he's being a baby about it.

2. His negative behaviour around you is understandable (the angst of a day at work doesn't just go away), but equally he doesn't have the right to bring you down. Sympathy for his predicament ought to help, but I think you'll also need to stand up to him, and that will have to be done very skilfully - don't just knock him back for it, try to bring out the reasons for his negativity. It's fine to be firm about the most upsetting aspects of it, but if you can rise above some of it and be the strong one who can stay calm, maybe you can talk him down from his miserable position.

3. You're clearly concerned that he's going to give all his/your money away. It might be better to run your finances separately, and budget on the assumption that his salary can't be relied on. I doubt that you'll ever get the standard "male breadwinner" thing out of him.....in spite of never being out of work, any such expectation from a spouse has always made me feel abused. My current wife was silly enough to say that I wasn't "a proper man" when I suggested she became the breadwinner and I stay home......she seems to understand my predicament better these days, but it still dismays me that she could ever have had such a cruel thought about me.

4. Maybe your biggest problem will be to come to terms with your own feelings about his annoying ways. From what you've written, it looks like you're sick and tired of them. In that state, it will be very hard to act all kind and understanding about it. It might help if you can find somebody to spill your guts to.....hopefully just writing it down here will provide some kind of release. I have great trouble relating to my wife these days, because I still feel bitter about some of the things she's said and done, and about the way my feelings have been ignored. Somewhere deepdown she's become "the enemy," and it's often all I can do to muster up enough respect to keep the relationship on an even keel. In contrast, I can lavish attention and patience on people I hardly know, staying wonderfully calm and supportive while they rant and rave, until I've soothed them. Its a hard problem to fix, and my only ray of hope is that I know that it's my own anger that's making it that way.

I had hoped the OP would have returned to her thread but I guess she was so offended by receiving answers to the questions she had asked that she refuses to read any more. That's a shame.

Hmmmm.....I hope we haven't come over as invalidating her feelings. I did my best not to - but it must be very difficult to take on board what's been said here. I don't think I'd feel very good if it happened to me. But maybe there are other reasons for the silence.

"rules of Christianity as a crutch"

I thought that was what people created them for. All beleifs are crutches, or chains...

What does that have to do with the OP?