Aspie women married to NT men?

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I very recently recognized that I am Aspie. I have known that something was different about me since high school and in my early twenties I started searching for answers. I have been to a few professionals but have done most research on my own convinced that I had a mental disorder. Of course none of the disorders I ran across described me completely or fit well. I never considered that I might be autistic and was unfamiliar with Asperger's until just recently.

I am still grappling with the thought of being afflicted with AS. It brings me anxiety and relief at the same time. I decided to share my revelation with my NT husband of 6 years just days ago. I'm not sure what he's thinking right now. He's done some reading about AS and I have noticed that he's been somewhat less argumentative and easy-going with me. I feel a long conversation coming between us soon which will hopefully bring some much longed for understanding of me.

To pooh and everyone who has a partner that is NT (which I like to think of as Neanderthal) and in denial, maybe AS is the norm and the NT's were just born unevolved.

I've been reading member's resposes and it all seems familiar to me. I'm also married to an NT and found out about AS after 4 years or marriage. First he wouldn't accept it, then he would make fun of Aspies, and later he admitted that it was a condition ( after we went all the way to a Texas convention and met Tony Atwood) but he still didn't sympathize with AS people. Nowadays he talks openly about it and he says he's glad I'm not average, (he means NT) he likes my weirdness. I think this subject should be explored more.

my hubby is NT. he's 41, i'm 34. H seems a little more understanding since we have realized that I am an aspie. but tonight he really hurt me. I am his third wife. He was married to his 1st wife for 15 years. they had a horrible marriage. I really think she is autistic like her son. anyways.. guess I might have taken it wrong since i'm so emotional right now...totally overwhelemed about figuring out the aspergers...hubby said he couldn't believe that he married 2 women with autism. know that he hates his ex and really has trouble with his son because of their autism. he doesn't totally understand, and wont' take time to learn about it (although did get him to watch Temple Grandin movie and that helped some).

Since my last post my hubby and I have talked. The revelation for both of us hit home after I took an EQ test (an emotional IQ test) that someone else recommended. I was shocked and upset after I took it because I scored so low in most areas. This was the polar opposite of IQ evaluations I've had in the past. I was stunned that I was unable to look at people in photos and recognize and identify the emotions in their faces. This was just one type of question in the evaluation. It really scared me that I couldn't "see" the emotions and I was very upset when I told my husband about it.

He wanted to take the test for himself as did I to make sure it wasn't just the test itself that was faulty. I almost couldn't believe his score - he's like the emotional Einstein compared to me. At that moment we both really understood what AS is and that I am Aspie. I think it was really helpful for him to see something concrete showing how I am different from him and other NTs. I have also been making references more openingly with him in general conversation.

Pooh,
The very fact that your husband thinks you need to "improve yourself" suggests abuse. Abusive men control their partners by destroying their self-esteem. No matter what you say, what you do, how you look - he will always criticize you. An abusive man wants you to think you don't deserve to be treated well, that you're not capable of making it without him, that no one else would ever love you.
Try this: Imagine you are your own adult daughter. Give yourself the advice you would give her. And remember that the right to be treated respectfully is not earned - it belongs to every human being.

I am a little confused by this. There is always going to be some way that somebody can improve oneself, and I just don't know how suggesting that one could improve constitutes damaging one's self-esteem.

Hey allgirlusa.

I agree that even an informal quiz can help to demonstrate how different AS and NT are in some areas. This can help others understand, as well as help oneself understand.

For example, when I first heard of "the eyes" test (interpreting emotions from eye expressions), I thought: great! I love a quiz; I'll ace this one.

My result: 2 correct.

This was such a dismal result that I had to confront the reality of my, er, skillset.
Unfortunately my partner did not want to confront this reality. This was partly due to his avoidant nature, and partly due to the weakness of our relationship.

Re: the self-improvement/abusive relationship issue... I think the demand to "improve yourself" was in a context where the partner places all responsibility for relationship problems onto the other person... in other words, it is solely the other person's fault that there is a probem in the relationship, and only they need to change.

This is different from suggesting that one could improve.

Tim Tex,
You're right, in a way. Everyone can improve themselves, and it's not inherently wrong for a partner to suggest improvement. Here are some things a partner shouldn't do:

1 Harrass you to change things you don't want to change.
2 Belittle, demean, or make fun of the way you currently look/act/think.
3 Suggest that (as manBrain said) you are the cause of all difficulties in the relationship.
4 Place him/herself in a "parent" role in which you are under his/her authority.

Encouragement is great, bullying not so much.

...really late to the game but glad I finally found it!

I'm sort of in the same boat but not. I'm 42 and the hubby is 40. He's not NT - he's diagnosed bipolar. I am not a diagnosed Aspie but my daughter was just recently diagnosed in January. In my research for her, I kind of figured out that the apple didn't fdall far from the tree. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and most of them have been miserable. He only received his diagnosis 4 years ago and is now considered disabled. he is extremely unhappy with my self diagnosis and has barely acknowledged my daughters. He won't read anything on Asperger's, he hates the time I spend on research, he will not listen to any reasoning in how to approach our daughter. He has equated Asperger's with mental illness. He repeatedly states we can 'teach her to not be that way'. In one arguement he told me he worked with 'kids like her and even took some classes on it'... 17 years and he NEVER mentioned THAT before. With a little prodding, he said he helped with Down's Syndrome kids at the public library on weekends when he was a kid... I am not permitted to use Asperger's as an excuse until I am officially diagnosed.

For years, all of our fights involved alot of him asking 'Why can't you just..." I respond that he doesn't love me for who I am if he has a laundry list of things he wants to change about me. I seem to unintentionally insult him, can never provide enough affection, always take decision making out of his hands while simultaniously never make a decision about anything, yet all of the major purchases during our relationship (cars, color of the carpeting, computers, appliances, pets) I have deferred to his wants because "I never let him make decisions'. The list goes on and on... dysfunction on top of dysfunction.

For the record - and in hindsight - Asperger's and bipolar DO NOT mix in any way, shape or form. By definition, bipolars are prone to be emotionally abusive. I've made it this long because I can rationalize and internalize anything - and, honestly, neither of us have anywhere to go if we seperate. Our parents are dead. I have no friends, of course. I'm an only child and my extended family abandoned me after my mother passed. My situation sucks but the one good thing I've learned is that I have depths of strength I never knew I possessed. My situation forced me to be head of household - to fix all the problems, to make things happen. I HATE it but I know I am capable of it and pray that one day I don't have to be the sole responsible adult.

My husband has the 'excuse' of bipolar for his abusive behavior. NT's, not so much. Personality goes a long way no matter who you are - a man that wants to be controlling will find a submissive partner to lourde over. In my case, I'm a dominant woman and my man, while crying he wants control, gives it up and tosses control in my lap every chance he gets. He definitely isn't the independant, free spirit I thought I married in the first place. I would much rather be in an equal relationship.

I'm not one to talk, but if your partner makes you feel bad about yourself or if you dislike yourself when you are with your partner it is time to move on. Someone who consistently drags you down, insults, criticizes or belittles you isn't going to learn 'better communication' in couples therapy. A loving partner suggesting you 'better yourself' and then supports and encourages you by participating in finding new social skills, etcf... is a much different partner than one who believes you need to be 'fixed' for him to be happy. If he is the latter and you have a way out, take it.

I second that, draelynn:
Avoid partners who have boundary issues!

It bears saying again that pwAS are vulnerable to abusive relationships. NT does not always mean normal. My xh is NT and he was and is an abusive husband. I have watched him do the same horrors to his 3rd wife as he did to me. I recommend all pwAS read up on signs of abuse to get it intellectually.

HI,
I am 35 and was diagnosed with Aspergers 4 years ago after my mental health deteriorated. My husband is NT (age 43) and has no interest in Aspergers or my mental health problems, beyond saying that it's not his fault. However, I must emphasise that he is not emotionally abusive - he never gets angry with me, just a bit frustrated sometimes.
I have been really surprised how many women are in a similar situation - and I now feel lucky that my husband isn't abusive. Is this what (NT) men do? But then isn't that question just giving them an excuse not to be emotionally supportive? And I am not asking for much - just a little more understanding.
I also totally agree with what people have said about AS women being easier for men to cope with than NT women. I don't think my husband realsies how lucky he is to have me.

37 year-old Aspie here. My NT husband and I have been married for 18 years. When we first got together, I was 'playing normal', and gradually let that go over the years. He's always been really supportive of my 'quirkiness', and lets me know regularly that he loves me the way I am. There are problems, of course. Times when I don't listen to him well or pay the kind of attention he'd like. I still can't figure out the rules for when an apology counts. I've never yet remembered our anniversary. But I try! He's my best and only friend, and we're still very much in love.

I left him for someone else. My husband had a theory that if he made enough jokes at my expense, I would learn to laugh at myself. Very, very wrong. I have spent enough of my life as someone else's joke, I will never find it funny and I certainly didn't need to hear it at home. I also never knew when he was joking. I'd take everything he said seriously, and was frequently alarmed by the things he said, so he'd sigh and say he was 'just joking'. He brushed off my repeated requests to change this behaviour, and only took them seriously after I walked out. By then it was too late, I'd had enough and I wasn't going back.

My current partner is very different. He likes that I am honest and that I don't expect him to read my mind. He hasn't taken much interest in my diagnosis (I was only diagnosed last week), but he supported my decision to seek it. His reasoning was that his ex-wife, who was bipolar, had taken no interest in her condition other than her disability benefits, and that if I wished to take care of my mental health then that was a good thing. Other than that, he says that he has loved me for who I am right from the start, and that he does not care what labels I or anyone else want to put on that.

I'm 33, been married for 12 years, been a couple for 15 years. He knew I suffered from depression and social anxiety. He has his quirks too but I'd say he's fairly NT.

I was diagnosed last year. When I first heard about AS a year ago he didn't think it fit. But he supported me in getting a diagnosis.

I have had a few severe meltdowns the past year (I think might be related to my antidepressants being changed to generic). Each time he got really mad at me and wouldn't talk. Or yell in frustration. I had a bad one at the house of a couple he had friended. Now he is too terrified to take me anywhere. He's threatening the state hospital if I ever act on my self harm impulses.

He did read a book for NT spouses of AS people. It is written more as a guide for female NT with AS husbands. But he found it useful. Even if he forgets all the advice when he gets upset with me for my behavior. He is very understanding and tries to be supportive, but he's only human. He can only handle so much.

I'm 35 and married to an NT. He thinks my quirks are endearing and doesn't care that I'm not very sociable. He can take or leave people and is happy with his own company, he actually hates it when I invite people round (rarely now!) He's great for advice and great for my confidence when in the company of others, I just let him talk, or he'll chip in if I'm failing miserably! He says I look grumpy sometimes, when I don't think I even have an expression on my face at all! And sound grumpy, wrong tone of voice, too mumbling and quiet etc so I come across wrong or rude. He doesn't think I need a diagnosis though and although he won't educate himself on it, he does show some understanding. There can be an upside to having an NT husband! I let you know if it changes! lol