Board index › Age/Gender related discussions › In-Depth Adult Life Discussion

So I kinda feel bad...

Page 1 of 1 [ 9 posts ] 

Previous topic | Next topic

ritalee76
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 23

21 Mar 2011, 3:21 am

There's this awesome guy I've dated for a year or so... Twice. ...

Super-nice guy.

Groovy England accent

Not too shabby looking

Smart

Sarcastic and funny

He loves me completely and totally. I mean he LOVES me. Is obsessed maybe. However, when we have dated, he always ends up feeling like I don't give enough attention and feels like I ignore him which ends up being a huge problem since the clingier he gets, the more I pull away and the problem only gets worse...

We end up hanging out, in a group, at least a couple of times a week. I really do enjoy his company, find him funny and witty, etc, etc...

However, I really don't want to see him romantically again since the two times I've tried have ended up with him crying like a baby and me wanting to kill him in the slowest, most painful way possible.

So... we are at a friendship level and I'm okay with that.

So, at any rate... today, I got the kayak I've been obsessing over for the last 2 years or so. He knows how much I've been wanting one since he was with me when I developed the obsession. I go to pick it up today and the very part that makes it where I can load it up on my car alone and go kayaking without any help isn't there but the kayak and everything else is there.

Dilemma at the time: leave the kayak and come back when everything is there or "phone a friend" and get some help. I phoned one friend. The "safe" one. Not available. The ex was the only other real choice I had. I called. He came. Tremendous help. He stayed and made sure everything was gravy, helped me unload, took out the god damn trash while he was here...

Then, time for him to go and enter the awkward hug and attempt at a kiss....

Now I feel bad that he thought I wanted more than just friendly help and took my plea for something more. Damn, I suck at "the game". He knows that. If I ask for help, its because I need help, not because I'm disguising some deeper feelings....

So, what do I do?

Thanks in advance



LostAlien
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,577

21 Mar 2011, 5:11 am

Are you able to say to him that you two as a couple is not good and doesn't work? Being totally honest (while it may hurt him a lot short term) is best for you both long term.

Have you explained that you are not going to be in a relationship again with him? Saying this clearly and sticking to it seems to be the only way to prevent him from trying it on again. Avoiding him one on one also seems to be a good idea until he moves on mentally.

Being painfully honest is probably the best way to go as far as I see it. Telling him that you just want to be friends and nothing else, being clear that friendship or nothing are his only options with you. Probably other people will have better suggestions on how to deal with this. I hope you find the solution that works to get you what you want.


_________________
I'm female but I have a boyfriend.
PM's welcome.


Soleil
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 16

21 Mar 2011, 5:13 am

Maybe you should explain how you feel about it all? It sometimes help to talk ground rules. That way nothing can be mistaken and there is less pressure and all.

Hope it helped,
Soleil



keira
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,420
Location: misplaced

21 Mar 2011, 6:08 am

LostAlien wrote:
Are you able to say to him that you two as a couple is not good and doesn't work? Being totally honest (while it may hurt him a lot short term) is best for you both long term.

Have you explained that you are not going to be in a relationship again with him? Saying this clearly and sticking to it seems to be the only way to prevent him from trying it on again. Avoiding him one on one also seems to be a good idea until he moves on mentally.

Being painfully honest is probably the best way to go as far as I see it. Telling him that you just want to be friends and nothing else, being clear that friendship or nothing are his only options with you. Probably other people will have better suggestions on how to deal with this. I hope you find the solution that works to get you what you want.


I agree with LostAlien. It is obvious that he still hopes for you two to work out so being totally honest with him would be best for both of you. It's better to hurt someone badly just once than to keep dragging it and causing him more pain in the end. It is going to sound mean but if you really know that you don't want a romantic relationship with him then better leave NO hope.



YippySkippy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,986

21 Mar 2011, 8:29 am

Does he know you have Asperger's, and what that means?
'Cause I think he sounds awesome, and maybe if he really understood he could be less clingy?
Maybe even take him to see a professional who could help him "get" you.

You probably don't want to do this stuff, but what can I say....I'm a hopeless romantic! :lol:



LostAlien
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,577

21 Mar 2011, 9:58 am

YippySkippy wrote:
Does he know you have Asperger's, and what that means?
'Cause I think he sounds awesome, and maybe if he really understood he could be less clingy?
Maybe even take him to see a professional who could help him "get" you.

You probably don't want to do this stuff, but what can I say....I'm a hopeless romantic! :lol:


As ritalee76 said
ritalee76 wrote:
However, I really don't want to see him romantically again since the two times I've tried have ended up with him crying like a baby and me wanting to kill him in the slowest, most painful way possible.

It is perhaps a better to suggest ways to tell him that a relationship of that nature isn't on the cards. Having homicidal thoughts are not really healthy (understatement).


_________________
I'm female but I have a boyfriend.
PM's welcome.


ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,147

21 Mar 2011, 11:22 am

I think it can be very difficult for an ex to continue as a platonic friend. Usually there's one partner who wanted the split and the other one didn't. So you end up teaching them not to reach for things that don't belong to them any more, which is a miserable and thankless procedure for all concerned. You're right about "the game" of course. Can't so much as accept a friendly gesture without risking it being misconstrued.



FlintsDoorknob
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 3 Nov 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 69

24 Mar 2011, 1:37 am

In my opinion, you really sent him the wrong signals by asking him for help. Don't be too hard on yourself either, my god you're only human. Humans make mistakes. Big deal.

If it were me I wouldn't try a platonic relationship with him. Those barely ever work out. I'd also ahve a conversation with him telling him what you posted here, about what you want. Tell him you don't want a romantic relationship and there's no chance of it happening. I wouldn't associate with him. :/



Louise18
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 193

27 Mar 2011, 9:29 am

FlintsDoorknob wrote:
In my opinion, you really sent him the wrong signals by asking him for help. Don't be too hard on yourself either, my god you're only human. Humans make mistakes. Big deal.

If it were me I wouldn't try a platonic relationship with him. Those barely ever work out. I'd also ahve a conversation with him telling him what you posted here, about what you want. Tell him you don't want a romantic relationship and there's no chance of it happening. I wouldn't associate with him. :/


This. Except for the part about telling him you posted here. Knowing that someone consulted the world on your relationship is probably just going to be more hurtful.