Is there a name for this?

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After quite a bit of time has gone on in my life and I've been able to tackle most of my so-called obstacles, I think I've finally hit the point where I'm dealing with the biggest core issue that I've had all my life. Right now my job is in some jeopardy, even if I technically 'do well' with the information given I still highly doubt that they'll be able to determine me to be enough of an adult to hold this position much longer.

I'm really coming to find out that, regardless of having an IQ in the upper 120's and a willingness to do anything I have to to myself in order to get things done, I have a very finite amount of ability to digest information. Whether its research, reading, following up on certain things, its like I need someone to point me in the right direction, I can't do it on my own. Without that I try to digest information and my mind just shuts down. Its not just this, my mental endurance most any other way is awful - especially when it comes to reading.

I'm really horrified at this, as a given by how absolute its been but even more so what it tells me about my absolute value as a human being, pretty much that I'll never in my life be a man or an adult no matter how much I may dress or carry myself the part in public.

Is there a particular terminology for this - is it executive functioning disorder, is it actually ADD? I'd like to think there's something I can do about it but, from what I've gleaned from the world around me, most people out there enjoy no hope whatsoever on these kinds of things.

I don't have an answer for you I'm afraid, but I can tell you you're definitely not alone, especially in the "need to be told what to do" area. I never have any idea what to do unless someone tells me explicitly. Once I've been shown, I can do things exactly the same way for the rest of my life, but if some tiny detail is changed, I have to ask all over again. I get terrified and freeze up and need someone to help me - I've never been able to figure out anything on my own. This started with sitting on the toilet with my pants still on as a young child because my parents didn't tell me to pull them down before peeing, and goes all the way up to constantly pestering people about exactly how to cut the vegetables for dinner, what size, what shape, what direction, which knife, which cutting board, etc. etc. etc...

However, it hasn't stopped me from living a productive life. I have found a job I excel at without needing to be told what to do, because I'm basically following directions all the time: I'm an EFL teacher, and all the answers and lesson plans are right in the book. People have shown me various ways to make the lessons more interesting for students, so I have all these formulas in my head where I can plug in information and make something "new." But really it's just recycling the same thing over and over again, and since I'm obsessed with grammar and I know the answers to all the students' questions, I rarely encounter a situation where I need to ask for help.

Finding my way to a new lesson or meeting a new student is a challenge, but there are people to help me along the way. I just have to keep my phone on me with all the important phone numbers in it, and I'm never without help.

So I guess what I'm saying is, having this sort of problem won't stop you from living a normal life. You just have to find your niche. If your current job is too difficult or overwhelming, have you considered a change in career? And being this way does not make you less of an adult. It's just a hurdle to overcome, like any other. Everyone has them - even NTs.

I think I get what you're saying here and I am similar, I am diagnosed at the moderate end of the asperger spectrum for the most part but I suspect mildly ADD and dislexic/disbraxic [I was slow to learn to read and write, problems with math right through school and had significant problems settling and remaining focused unless something grabbed my aspie obsessiveness].

My adult life has been problematic to say the least, I left school at fifteen having been expelled twice and have worked semi or unskilled jobs all my life.

You don't show your age so I can't comment on the maturity issue however I sense a tendency among us to exhibit what many would dismiss as imature behaviours, I put this down to interpretation of classic perserverant and ruminative habit as well as 'function' issues such as the kinesthetic learning I exhibit along with kotshka.

You also don't show your nation of residence so I can't place your situation materially or culturally however I am guessing an english speaking capitalist meritocracy? If thats the case then fitting in can be problematic and letting go of or reinterpreting/redefining what it means to 'fit in' can be problematic.

You need an income as well as the basic sense of self determination and self esteem that carrying ones own weight allows, problems holding down jobs can lead to depression and anxiety especially in a meritocracy. However if you accept that you have to work with what you have and adjust your expectations somewhat even existence in a society that is intolerant of difference and exhalts the few at the expense of the many can be made somewhat bearable if not actually enjoyable.
Even if you need to live off the states charity [assuming it is available] this does not mean you have no value and can't contribute in other ways, there are more justifications for the existence of an individual than mere material ones.

I don't know if this just comes across as platitudes or is any use but kia kaha [be strong].

May I sugest reading two books by Alain DeBotton, 'status anxiety' and 'the consolations of philosophy' they are easy to read, far from 'new age' or 'self help' dross and I found them usefull? Also the Tao Te Ching as a part of life?

peace j

Thanks for the replies. Added note, I'm 31, so I'm coming of what's typically a decade of 'Presidency is barely enough' type thinking and finally facing my absolute limits for the first time as that - absolute.

Good thoughts, and yeah, I think I'm at the point where I need to just sort out what's happening for what it is. I don't believe I'll be anywhere close to comfortable for a while (just wrote a thread about today in the Haven) but, it comes down to one of two choices - adjust or stop breathing. I'm hoping its the former just because, the later's messy and I love my parents a bit too much to have people shunning them or giving them a vibe about missing an only son.

Have you tried SSRI's? Even if you don't technically have "depression" (according to the DSM manual), you may still benefit from SSRI's. I was not "depressed" according to the general diagnosis (I had/have: good sleep, good eating habits, I do activities and go out with friends, etc) yet I was suicidal. I was having an extremely hard time concentrating and learning. Similar to what you describe. Taking medication allowed me to think again and learning became much easier.

There is actually a scientific explanation for this. http://www.science.mcmaster.ca/Psycholo ... TiCS07.pdf

The cells responsible for forming new memories are highly susceptible to stress and depression. It takes about 3 weeks for neurogenesis (new cell growth to encode new memories) to occur which is right about the time that patients see benefits from medications. This is despite the fact that your brain chemistry changes instantaneously upon taking the medication; so, there must be something else contributing to patient improvement.

Thus, some have theorized that SSRI's allow for the re-formation of cells responsible for new memories. The three week window of neurogenesis coincides with the three week window for patient improvement. Creating new memories is a key to changing your outlook on life. Same thing for learning - if you're stressed and depressed, your brain can't form new neurons to encode new memories, your learning suffers. Also, because it is difficult to encode new memories, you get stuck in the same patterns of thinking, a hallmark of depression. There is nothing you can do to *will* yourself out of this; you cannot will neurogenesis to occur.

Not saying it will work for you, but it did work for me.

jonathon, unfortunately I have horrible side effects from SSRI's - feel drugged up, lose personality, my ability to function as an adult severely degrades, other people start seeing all kinds of weakness in me open right up at that point - and then I'm not warding off potential problems, I have very serious and real ones.

I agree on the stress though, don't they say something about stress or a sense of lower social status attacking the frontal lobe whereas confidence enhances frontal lobe functioning?

Needing direction does not mean "never in my life be a man or an adult". Personally, I have done well in situations where my employer and I have each see me as more of a "right-hand man" helper than as an independent engineer or contractor.

I have been pondering this one since my previous post, and I think this may prove useful in getting some perspective.

I spent seven years involved with an educationalist who was apparently right up on the research and very competent at what she did. She gave me some insight into human intelligence and the working models she worked with.

As a D'n'B fan [I assume this by user name and avatar], possibly DJ or even producer I will assume you are familiar with the 64 band graphic equaliser as found in any studio or PA system?

Ok, Imagine the human mind as a graphic equaliser and each band/frequency slider represents a particular intelligence or talent or sensory process eg, spacial referencing, languages, symbol processing etc... Imagine your average NT with a well rounded skill set as an equaliser curve with very little variation only some bands being slightly attenuated or suppressed, now imagine yourself as a eq curve with some bands significantly suppressed, these are our 'blind spots' like theory of mind or inability to deal with light or sound etc, and others are significantly attenuated, our special interests and areas where we appear gifted.

With some practice you can adjust the EQ over time in some areas as you have discovered but ultimately only to a certain extent, really you just need to accept that you are what you are and find a path that works with that. Look at the weaknesses with a dispassionate eye and learn to relish the strengths, stop feeling like there is something 'wrong' which is a value judgement and see it as 'different' which is disspassionate.

peace j

"Never be an Adult" - interesting

I mean - what is an adult anyway - apart from an aging kid with a po face banging on about pensions and so on

You don't know who's behind 'that mask' in a manner similar to them not knowing
what's going on behind 'your mask' or the persona that you present to people

a lot of it is just like being an actor - except in real life - thing is I have never been much good at acting

Actually producer - I've got a new contest I just got in as well - wohoo!


Of course.


That last part is a mountain though. That and for all the problems in the world markets and societies wanting to be paid to sit around all day and deficits ballooning to market collapse in most of the western world because of it, the whole 'I'm okay you're okay' ideology that we've enjoyed for so long may flip 180 opposite as the artificial bubble on the value of human life (provided by a now tattered and waning Christianity) comes off and we realize that our societies do not have it in them any more to take care of the infirmed or 'different'.

I'll try my best to let myself go on this and obvious make as much of a man out of myself as I can with the means that I possess but, I have the feeling that our culture's days of even arguing against thoughts like what I have in the paragraph above as pessimistic or impossible may soon be behind us as well. Its an economy of hopes and wishes that will likely get rolled right under faster than anything.