Alimony and dividing assets

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I know there are some divorced members here. I would love to hear your thoughts on all this.

What happened in your divorce?

Was it civil? If not, please explain.



What are your personal feelings on alimony?

If one partner has substantially contributed to the well-being of the marriage and life but was financially dependent on the other, I believe alimony could be justified. Unfortunately, about the time that a person knows they need to leave a marriage, they begin making plans to become self-sufficient. This effectively nullifies their claim to alimony, even if well-deserved, because the argument exists that they can clearly take care of themselves. Never mind that they had sacrificed a great deal of their professional development in favor of building the marriage and home.

The average contested divorce between two people of median income will cost a minimum of $40,000. My part of my divorce cost $87,000. I'm sure my ex-husband's part cost more since his attorney was more expensive but his parents paid for him. He made things very expensive on purpose. They say divorce brings out the worst in people. Obviously some people have more "worst" to bring out than others.

Hi.
I have had two divorces.

The first was sudden and did not involve transfer of assets (I was just happy to be out of the partnership).

The second was gradual and is involving transfer of assets.
In the second situation, I am willing for my ex-partner to have the advantage of me, in terms of assets and choice of residence and so on, as he is the parent who has main care of our children. I am working full-time and contribute to their finances.
We come to an understanding between ourselves, as far as possible, before lawyers are involved. Lawyers are expensive and tend to promote conflict, as this lengthens the proceedings and generates more income for themselves.

I really encourage you to seek agreement with an ex-partner, and to take your time if possible.
This can improve decision-making as the people involved feel less coerced.
good luck.

TeaEarlGreyHot, you might want to look into what is termed "amicable divorce" < http://www.amicabledivorcepa.com/ > or "collaborative divorce" < http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce#Co ... ve_divorce >. You can also purchase do-it-yourself divorce kits on the www, if you want to go pro se. As manBrain noted:

If both of you are used to the idea that the marriage is over and neither blames the other--or does but understands that this is also a sign that a marriage is over- then sit down at the kitchen table and decide who gets what. Some things will need discussed, some will not. Try to think of everything. You can find divorce forms online--especially if you plan to divorce in Nevada.
If you are in that frame of mind than there can be a discussion on alimony. In some states its not a common thing. In others its for the equal time as the marriage...say you were married ten years, than the alimony will be paid for ten years. You figure it out between you what you want and need.

Children and child support are a whole different issue--and should be.
Consult your LOCAL prosecutors office of child custody and divorce. You can do that through them if you want, and do it together, if you want.
Add their papers to your divorce papers. Check the Nevada website to be sure.

If you are both OK with the terms you have decided, then fill out the divorce forms. Get one partner to have their signature notarilized and the other should go to Nevada. Im serious. Las Vegas or Reno. You will find all the instructions online. Get a friend there to sign that you were there for six weeks or hang around for six weeks and get the place you stay to sign that form. The schools there are used to kids enrolling and leaving within six weeks.

Go to the court house and have your forms checked and make a whole lot of copies on their machine. That will cost a lot (about 40.00). Then take the copies back to the clerk who notarizes your own signature that you wait and sign there and makes sure all is ready for the judge. Take them to the cashier who you give less than 200.00 and then you walk around the building dropping copies off at different places.
They will give you a case number to check online that the judge signed them. When it says that, you are divorced. It takes about two days. Go pick up the signed forms and drop a couple more off in a couple of offices there and fedex a copy to your now ex.
Go to a casino and see if you can win your 200.00 back.
Then go home, divide everything up and seperate when you have your new places all set up.
That is a civilized divorce. It doesnt take lawyers.

We were supremely civil, possibly because I was emotionally spent and had no tears left in me.

As to division of assets, it wasn't difficult. My ex-husband and I had just a few months before sold the small business we had built up in the previous 10 years, so it was actually pretty easy to divvy it all up. Our children were in their late teens ... old enough that I wasn't so worried about them being overly traumatized.

I had no interest in alimony, which I think is becoming an outdated concept as women are realizing they should be responsible for their own financial well-being. Child support, of course, is a different thing. But I would be embarrassed to be taking alimony.

As you know, I'm in California too, so my experience might be useful.

Our divorce was essentially uncontested, I wanted to avoid the courtroom and a child custody battle at (almost) any cost for the sake of the children.

Spousal support wasn't an issue because she filed one month short of the five-year "trigger" for that.

We both sat down in front of a paralegal and negotiated a settlement document that we both agreed with, the paralegal filed it with the court, the judge approved it verbatim and that was that.

My first priority was the children, I was only interested in having them maintain the standard of living they had become accustomed to. Since this would be difficult now that I had to support two households ("me" and "them") I chose to basically give her everything and start from scratch myself.

In terms of child support, I offered much more than the legally required amount with the condition that I pay most of the bills directly in order to minimize the amount of cash I would give her. I am extremely glad that I did this because it ensures that the majority of money I pay actually goes to the children.

I think that custody was something like 80-20 (primarily her) but it really was a technicality because in practice I spend more time with them than that. We are very cooperative when it comes to visitation with the children.

It's been 5 years, and so far this arrangement has worked out very well.

There is no way that growing up in a broken home will be "perfect" for the children, but I think the damage has been mitigated quite a bit by handling it this way.

Good luck!