40+ Something L & D- Lessons Learned (10/10)
The purpose of this thread is to facilitate discussions among 40+ something WP members about lessons learned (leveraging the wisdom of having chosen incompatible/asynchronous romantic matches with the goal in mind of gleaning/ferreting out the root cause of our past erroneous choices so as to avoid them in future endeavors).
1. Know what you want out of a relationship before putting yourself out there. Do you just want an occasional date, a steady relationship, something long-term, marriage, a family? Are you just lonely, and looking for some company? There are many reasons for someone to get in the dating game, many more than listed above. Not knowing what you want makes it more difficult for someone to understand you. We don't need additional difficulties.
2. If it is difficult for you to express passion for life or another person, try to find a few ways to let the other person know that you are happy and excited to be with them. Be mindful to use the methods that you find successful. I have a problem with this, myself. Regardless of how I feel on the inside, the women I've had in my life have found me to appear complacent, more like a roommate, or an ordinary friend. I appear to have a shelf life. I'm still working on this, so I don't have many suggestions to offer.
3. If you can't make each other laugh, then it probably isn't going to work out.
That's all for now.
Good luck to all!
4. Love is where you find it, or where it finds you.
5. Never turn down an opportunity to say, "I'm sorry", "Let me help you with that", or simply "I love you".
6. Hold hands while going to sleep.
7. Look each other in the eye and smile whenever you part company, as it may be that last time you see each other alive.
8. Say only the nicest things about your S.O. to other people.
_________________
2. If it is difficult for you to express passion for life or another person, try to find a few ways to let the other person know that you are happy and excited to be with them. Be mindful to use the methods that you find successful. I have a problem with this, myself. Regardless of how I feel on the inside, the women I've had in my life have found me to appear complacent, more like a roommate, or an ordinary friend. I appear to have a shelf life. I'm still working on this, so I don't have many suggestions to offer.
3. If you can't make each other laugh, then it probably isn't going to work out.
That's all for now.
Good luck to all!
Universeof1,
Well said. Your first point resonates with me in a huge way - knowing your laundry list of cerebral qualities you seek in a viable romantic match is absolutely vital. By our age, we should know the type of person (personality) we seek because we are compatible with them. Also, I agree with the importance of knowing the type of relationship you seek - whether it be casual/short-term dating, activity partner, or a shot at a long-term relationship (my preference).
Thanks for a great post!
5. Never turn down an opportunity to say, "I'm sorry", "Let me help you with that", or simply "I love you".
This is so true. I think it is wise not to hold onto anger. There is a saying that two romantic partners should never go to bed angry at each other.
6. Hold hands while going to sleep.
As a highly tactile and affectionate person, I agree. Various forms of touch are a tender, pleasurable, soothing and potentially EROTIC (OHHHH LLAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAA) way to show someone you love them. If it feels good - do it!
7. Look each other in the eye and smile whenever you part company, as it may be that last time you see each other alive.
So true. Life is too short and precious - and it change in a New York minute!
8. Say only the nicest things about your S.O. to other people.
[b]People repeat what you say so being mindful of what you say is good practice!
Secrets aren't worth keeping, be open and honest ...always.
Being selfish or ignoring ..will never work. be mindful of others feelings...always
As my dad said, "be in the right place, doing the right thing, for the right reason"
Compliment one another. a please and thank you should never be assumed or taken for granted.
The union approach does not work "not my job". Do what you can when you can.
Never laugh at, always with
Dont just leave things "as is'...go out of your way for one another.
Do the unexpected, not in a scary way but in romantic and appreciative ways.
are we suppose to number these things? some of my thoughts are overlapping...I'll fix it if requested.
_________________
"I feel as if I am walking in the rain, everyone else has an umbrella,
but I do not. I am soaked to the bone and shivering from the cold."
I've only learned recently that I'm aspie. the funny thing is that I wasn't the one with the communication problem. Nor was I the selfish one
_________________
"I feel as if I am walking in the rain, everyone else has an umbrella,
but I do not. I am soaked to the bone and shivering from the cold."
Wyldragon,
Welcome! In all seriousness, I think that your wanting to turn a new leaf and be "more forgiving" of yourself is a good thing. Moreover, externalizing your stress/internal stuff you need dump by "talking it out" will no doubt alleviate stress -which is always a good thing!
One of the primary reasons I wanted to create these series of threads is to provide a "safe haven" of sorts for fortysomething plus folks who are in a transitional mode in their life to provide emotional support and share their thoughts, fears, dreams, challenges as we travel through this journey called LIFE! For my entire life, I have been a strong proponent/advocate of the notion that people are what get people through the worst and best of times - sometimes just by being there to listen! Moreover, by assisting/helping and caring about each other, we help others but we also help ourselves as individuals. And I ask you - does it get any better than that?
Perhaps, in a way, some of us are Comeback Kids - we are ripe to take a stab at self improvement and change! Indeed, we are all a work in progress if one is so inclined to admit it!
Again Welcome! On a more personal note - CONGRATULATIONS on the weight loss! Obviously, you are a self-actualized Comeback Kid who will prove to be a strong asset to these boards. I eagerly anticipate more input from you!
Leslie
I've only learned recently that I'm aspie. the funny thing is that I wasn't the one with the communication problem. Nor was I the selfish one
Gadge,
I can see why you say you were not "the one with the communication problem" or the "selfish" party in the relationship you mentioned. You are candid, self-aware and you have a good turn of phrase (English was one of my majors at Rutgers so I love communication)!
So it appears that the other party in the relationship is an NT with poor communication skills. I find it mind-boggling when some Aspie posters automatically assume that NTs are adept at communication/socialization by sheer virtue of their NT status. I am an NT who knows this is not true! Good point!
PS May I please inquire if you are from across the pond as in the UK? I hope this is not too personal.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad I found this site. Thanks for the over 40 discussions, too. Been reading through each board!
I'm surprised that there aren't more over 40, and I'm pleasantly surprised at the number of females on here.
Thanks again,
Lisa
Lisa,
You are most welcome! My plan is to take these boards right through the glass roof of the chocolate factory (first Willy Wonka movie with Gene Wilder). Have you ever seen the film? I love it!
Leslie
Gadge,
I can see why you say you were not "the one with the communication problem" or the "selfish" party in the relationship you mentioned. You are candid, self-aware and you have a good turn of phrase (English was one of my majors at Rutgers so I love communication)!
So it appears that the other party in the relationship is an NT with poor communication skills. I find it mind-boggling when some Aspie posters automatically assume that NTs are adept at communication/socialization by sheer virtue of their NT status. I am an NT who knows this is not true! Good point!
PS May I please inquire if you are from across the pond as in the UK? I hope this is not too personal.
Why thank you very much HopefulRomantic.
No I do not live across any ponds.
I live in New York, near Buffalo.
don't worry about asking any personal question of me... I am an open book.
If you feel like the question might be too personal feel free to PM
_________________
"I feel as if I am walking in the rain, everyone else has an umbrella,
but I do not. I am soaked to the bone and shivering from the cold."
Gadge,
I can see why you say you were not "the one with the communication problem" or the "selfish" party in the relationship you mentioned. You are candid, self-aware and you have a good turn of phrase (English was one of my majors at Rutgers so I love communication)!
So it appears that the other party in the relationship is an NT with poor communication skills. I find it mind-boggling when some Aspie posters automatically assume that NTs are adept at communication/socialization by sheer virtue of their NT status. I am an NT who knows this is not true! Good point!
PS May I please inquire if you are from across the pond as in the UK? I hope this is not too personal.
Why thank you very much HopefulRomantic.
No I do not live across any ponds.
I live in New York, near Buffalo.
don't worry about asking any personal question of me... I am an open book.
If you feel like the question might be too personal feel free to PM
Gadge,
Wow - you live up in the Arctic Zone - aren't you about 50 miles from the US side of Niagara Falls? In May 2007, I visited Toronto and toured Niagara Falls for the first time. Have you ever gone on that boat ride Maid of the Mist? It was kind of cool.
Thanks for the heads up about your being an "open book." I am too! By the way, I grew up in NJ even though I was born in WI. Suffice it to say, my entire family has moved far distances for work - me included!
@ HopefulRomantic
Artic Zone ? Well we do hibernate for 3-4months. We all joke that theres two seasons here...winter and construction
It is a requirement to ride the Maid of the Mist if you live in this area.
I live 19m from the falls. Cool yes and very wet as well.
_________________
"I feel as if I am walking in the rain, everyone else has an umbrella,
but I do not. I am soaked to the bone and shivering from the cold."
Artic Zone ? Well we do hibernate for 3-4months. We all joke that theres two seasons here...winter and construction
It is a requirement to ride the Maid of the Mist if you live in this area.
I live 19m from the falls. Cool yes and very wet as well.
Yes, Arctic Zone! LOL! It is unusually cold down here in Dixie and I am on the verge of getting a full-blown headcold of mammoth proportions. It remains to be seen if staying last night (Friday mind you) and just catching up on some much needed sleep helps stave it off - gosh I hope so.