Is it an Aspie trait to NEED your own apartment?

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There's a lady in the UK who is an Asperger's specialist & also has a husband with AS. They live in separate houses (possibly even different towns) because that's the only way he can cope.

I read your post last night and discussed it with my husband, He is on the spectrum. He has allows had a need for his own space to just get away and recharge.Our first home had a detached garage with a studio apartment. That apartment became his personal space. When we purchased a new home 10 years later, we added a seperate room next to our master bedroom. That became his new apartment. It has worked for us. When he has friends over they are always impressed by the fact that he has his own room...or maybe I should call it his "man cave". I am glad to see that this is not so unusual.

I can certainly relate. I used to be a stay at home mom so I recharged during the day while my husband worked and my kids napped. Now I work alone in a retail store with no music playing and the sound on the computer turned off. Ideally I would love to live in a different house or apartment since my children are now grown. I feel the same as others. I can't fully recharge with someone else in the house (not even my cat).

For me, it was an Aspie trait to NEED a rental house (no shared walls) instead of an apartment where I was constantly feeling interrupted or overwhelmed by the noise of other people's music, TV, conversations, screaming children, stomping up/down stairs, cars starting, etc.

Check out Sophia Dembling's blog: The Introvert's Corner, How to live a quiet life in a noisy world, www.psychologytoday.com

I am much calmer, happier and feel more in control of my life since getting my own apartment. Before that I was a nervous wreck who had only been diagnosed the year before and had been put in all kinds of homes and hospitalized many times. The only thing that bothers me is that you still have to share the building with other people who may not respect your need for peace and quiet, the first couple of years there were teenagers living upstairs who would get drunk and play loud music and bang on the floor like they were pile-driving each other through the ceiling late at night. I called the police at least a couple of times. A guy who used to live next door to me ran a tattoo parlor an there would be loud bass music thumping trough my walls and there would sometimes be a strange odor, possibly from a "burning substance". And then a new guy moved in and only after a few months on New Year's Day his girlfriend got drunk, broke in and trashed his apartment and I had to get the cops over to arrest her. Things have gotten a lot better since the new landlord took charge of the place and I moved into the apartment upstairs, but I often wish I lived in a small single-person house with no neighbors close by at all. Also I'm across the street from a High School, and the teens love to hang out on my doorstep and smoke and drop trash on the ground and vandalize and I hate to having to leave or return to my apartment during lunch and right after they get out of school. They'll get up when they see I need to use the steps but there's no "sorry" or "excuse me" at all. Even my landlord had complained to the school but not much has changed. When the summer comes I won't have to put up with that for a while, I'll only have to listen to them screaming and cursing outside in the middle of the night or driving like lunatics down the road. Last year there was a dance and the police showed up because things had gotten REALLY ugly. I wish I didn't have to live next to a school, but I'm lucky I even HAVE a decent place of my own.

yes, I think that his desire is natural, espically if he has had a recent breakdown then his need to be alone may be more extreme than usual. Ive been alone for 6 years now, and while I am not oppossed to sharing a home with a future spouse, ive already considered that it would be good to have my own room, somewhere to go and be alone when i need to, so as to hopefully prevent and avoid breakdowns that leave me running for a seperate apartment. perhaps he may feel able to move back in time and with some comprimises that work for both of you.

The recharging your batteries trait is one of the main things that finally convinced me that I have AS.

When I get home from work, after being around people all day and having just driven 20 miles I need time alone to decompress. I tend to be quite a calm person but when I'm just home from work my temper is incredibly short so even if something inconsequential like something in my room has been moved slightly gets me so angry, but then five minutes later I'll be fine!

But about living arrangement specifically I very much like the 'being alone among people' strategy, it's nice when my parents go on holiday and I have the house to myself but after a week or so I find the complete silence a but unnerving and lonely, that's even though when they're around I spend most of my time in my room.

I envy your husband very much! (I live with my NT husband and 2 kids)
I wish I could get my own tiny apartment to go to when it's all too much.

I like to sleep alone. If I was married, I am quite sure I would prefer a separate bedroom from the wife.

On a side note, I read once that the President and First Lady have separate bedrooms in the White House and that the first President (or maybe first modern President) to sleep in the same bedroom as his wife was the first President Bush. I don't know if any Presidents since then followed his lead.

While I need my space and moved out on my own solely because my mother treated me like a teenager and consistently cleaned and controlled my spaces, I am actually moving in with a roommate after 3 years of being alone. The loneliness was getting to me although considering he's a quiet, workaholic Engineer, my main motivation is financial.

I do know my NT but Aspie like father usually sleeps in a separate room than my mother and until recently, that would have been my choice if I was married.

Yes, I think it is a common Aspie trait, although some on the spectrum may not have this particular trait. I have never married or had a romantic partner, by my own choice. I would hate to have to have that much closeness with someone. Due to problems in my life, I had to live with relatives for most of my life, and hated it. Fortunately, I have been living alone for almost 10 years now. For me living alone is definitely better. Unfortunately, the relative who owns my trailer is an extrovert, who wants frequent calls and emails, and I am an introverted hermit, who wants infrequent contact. This relative is convinced that any one who is not an outgoing person is miserable because they are not outgoing, so he keeps trying to get me to be outgoing. I am in my mid 50s, and am not about to suddenly become a social butterfly after a lifetime of being a hermit type of person by choice. My extroverted relative is unable to grasp the fact that I like being alone, in spite of my telling him so many times. This puts a lot of stress on our relationship. The only good thing is that it's winter now, and he is a snow bird--he lives in Florida in the cold months, and comes back north to near where I live in the warm months, so I don't have to put up with personal visits for a couple more months. Unfortunately, if I don't call enough he will call another relative living near me to come over and check on me, and tell me to call him. I still prefer living alone, though. Living with people is way too stressful.

I know you did not ask for advice, but I thought you might enjoy this video about the power of introversion...perhaps you can share it with your relative so that she/he might understand your desire to be alone a little better and understand her/his own bias about being around people:
http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts?language=en

It may sound strange, but I like to have my space, and I am hoping to have my own apartment some day so I don't have to deal with being pestered by other people. I spend a lot of time in my room with the door shut, as I feel like it's a safe space for me to "be myself". As soon as I enter a room where there's other people, I feel like I have to change my behavior, and not "be myself". I've been ridiculed and reprimanded many times in the past for just being myself and doing my own thing, so I've developed an inhibition against doing that in front of other people. It takes a lot of effort on my part to work with that inhibition, so I need to have my own space so that I can do my own thing and feel comfortable, and not have to worry about acting a certain way.

I do not think the need for a solitary dwelling is exclusively ASD trait -- more like an introvert trait. People on the autism spectrum can be extroverts or introverts. The expression of sensory issues depends on the preference of the nervous system interpretations. Autists do not always know why a disturbance is occuring, and may want to hide from everything to eliminate the unknown disturbance. It is easier to do that when no one is willing to help identify the true source. Or the autist is not able to pick apart the environment to identify the trouble. I cannot work or focus in a loud or busy place. I cannot grocery shop unless I make a list and know where to find all the items. I wear large headphones with nice music to block out unpredictable crowd noise. The problem I have not yet solved is to be able to work in a place where people do not become hostle toward me when I reject their personal interactions. I say no thank you, please stay focused on the job. I do not know why they turn against me just because I want to always stay focused on my work.