Touching. Yuk.

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,
4 years back I lost my job of 10 years. I was devastated because I was too afraid of going out and marketing myself. I found myself in a horrible living situation, in a basement, and ended up looking for work in all the wrong places, because there was not much of a selection. I just finished going through an entire winter with Walking Pneumonia because I could not afford medical attention.

My jobs have been usually minimum wage, part time, or temporary. Recently I am out of work again, and need to pretend to be really interested in what ever job it might be. I know I should not be looking for someone to bail me out, but someone does seem "romantically" interested in me. I've read that people who are together can help each other out, and that may be exactly what I need. Someone who will do things like not kick me out on the street if I lose my job, maybe mow the lawn.

So, Monday, I have a dinner date with a man.

So I am potentially going to start "dating" a guy about my age. I need the money and security of a two income household. My Aspiness has made it hard to find work that is of any importance, or paid well. I am socially incompetent. I have never dated before. I am embarrassed to say how old I am and have never dated. My age is on my profile.

I think I like the guy, but don't know. He is okay to talk to, and even intelligent. I have absolutely no feelings for him at this point other than he is not totally gross. Is this possible? The problem is that I really do not have any feelings about "love," or even "Like" or "desire," when it comes to people. (I would like a new bedspread though, which is a different kind of desire).

Whatever chemicals squirt into your bloodstream in those instances (seritonen?) don't seem to effect me. I know I hate to be touched in any way. People feel dead to me. Even someone taking my arm. I absolutely hate it. The thought is awful. I think I need to since I am so economically depressed. I thought that I was the only person who ever thought this (I thought this 20 or more years ago).

I was also from an abusive family. I consider marriage as a constant battle. A lot of hitting and throwing things. I have interviewed others who have said it can be quite pleasant and non-violent. I need to study how to live in a mutual arrangement without any violence. I also hate to be touched. If something includes hugging or kissing I leave early. I don't think I touched anyone very often when growing up. I was not hugged a lot. Not much demonstration of emotion. I actually have a kind of revulsion to being touched. I always have.

Obviously, I am not getting married, but I have to get over that "touching" thing in order to get near to my goal of economic security.

It is too bad gloves are out of style. I'd be wearing them.

How do people get over the whole "touching" situation. What can I do to make it less icky?
Anyone? Thanks. Gita

I'd advise to let him know how you feel about touching within the first few dates. And your goal seems to be to get over some of your aprehension at being touched, so if he's a decent bloke, perhaps he can help. (If not, then he's probably not a decent bloke. Good test, eh?)

I dislike being touched. Growing up, we asked permission before touching by saying things like, "Would you like a hug?" I still communicate like that with my family.

Because I never knew what to do otherwise, I accepted the opening greeting/closing of dates with a perfunctory hug, but I also said that I was "more conservative" and wanted to take things slowly. People who were unwilling to be patient with me with that were clearly not right for me. Catman is entirely right in it being a good indicator of a potential partner. As familiarity grew, I became more comfortable, and more touching became not only tolerable but, at times, welcome.

I don't feel the things that I read about or see on TV either. But I was once reminded that the Cosby Show was fiction where all things were neatly resolved in 30 minutes. Fiction books are just that - fiction. Even a biography or close friend will gloss over the seemingly infinite small things that drive couples crazy. Real people's lives are messy, complicated, and troublesome.

However, I have found it easier to have, as I call it, a help-meet. This is a companion who helps me through the rough patches: brings me tissues when I have a meltdown, asks me if I took my meds when my schedule gets messed up, calms me down before job interviews, gently guides me into a social event with our friends but doesn't push me to stay too long. I've grown in comfort with this person (we've been together for 15 years now) and can return the favor. My husband and I don't snuggle on the sofa. We don't even own a sofa - we have separate chairs. We have a spare room with a bed for whenever we need some extra space. We openly negotiate our touching time and part of it is based around when my overall anxiety level is lower. I still don't know if I love him, really. I'm certainly comfortable with him and he makes my life easier. I think he knows of my semi-ambivalence, but is OK with it.

All that said, I don't have the same extra childhood marriage baggage that you do. My parents' marriage to each other certainly wasn't great, but it wasn't shouty or violent. I needed a patient person to become my spouse, who slowly helped me to let go of some of my little emotional hangups. You may be able to put down your own baggage on your own or with the help of a patient spouse too. Or, this may be one of those times when a little therapy might help you to put them down a bit at a time. As it happens, I changed meds about six years ago and they had the side-effect of making touching others much less revolting. There's no right answer.