Just went to see a flat today in the local area...

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...for somewhere for me to live on my own for a while. I'm 23 (24 in June) and I want to live on my own - unfortunately, none of the properties I've yet seen (and I've seen about 15 at the moment) fit my needs. The one I saw today was absolutely lovely inside but unfortunately the stairs would have been a problem for me. It's a shame, as it's in a fantastic location as well. Aaaarrrggghhh... I know my mum wants me to move out (and I want to move out too) but I'm getting the impression that she's trying to speak for me a little bit too much here and it's bothering me. I've asked her to understand that my voice is paramount and she gets offended and walks off in a huff.

Anyone with any experience/advice to add to the pot?

Take a deep breath, and don't give up on trying to talk to Mummy.

Try really, really hard not to lose your temper with her, either.

If you can do it, suppress your aggravation and thank her for her caring and concern. Then add the "But..."

Hang in there. Good luck with it.

She goes the other way and uses the "well, I won't say anything at all then". I said that I will not stand for those sorts of manipulative tactics. I didn't lose my temper, but I get a bit miffed because I feel that the underlying implication of her message is that she wants to get me out and that her voice is more important than mine.

Could you go round to look at potential homes on your own? Obviously if she is not with you, she won't be able to interject her opinion. Better yet, do you have someone who could be objective go with you? Easier said than done really, but perhaps it might be an option.

My mother could not keep her trap shut, & there were times she should have. I found I could think better without her input. I realize that mum wants you out of her house, but if she cannot let you have your opinion without adding her own, it doesn't assist you nor will it solve anything.

No, what I'm saying is that I actually agree with her almost all the time. I just feel like that she is saying that her opinion is more important than mine, even if I agree with it. It's like she is trying to decide my future for me, even if I agree with it. I want to ask questions about the property and I get the impression that she doesn't want me to ask, she wants to handle everything and be non-judgemental. It feels a bit controlling. It's not a major issue, but it's irritating. It's like she wants me to be independent but not make my voice heard - she wants to suppress that part of it.

I'm saying that a property isn't acceptable, she wants me to be diplomatic and not say anything there and then. I think that's a pointless attitude because it's not assertive and not saying what I clearly need.

I understand, but since it's a place for you to live, & your mother is not letting you make the decisions...maybe it's not good for her to go a long. Unless you can get her to agree to a pact where she mostly stays quiet when you are out looking at flats.

Oh, I tell her what my decision is while I'm there, but she says "I like this flat a lot, I really do but it's not suitable". I state my own position now and later on, but I still feel a bit sidelined. The context isn't a problem, the denial of voice is.

I don't know who else I could go with. I'm not that good at dealing with these people, but I tend to take a Yes/No attitude towards it. Is that wrong?

Not at all...but you're young Tequila. What pleases your mother may not be what you want at all. Really if you had someone else who could be more objective to go along, it might be easier for you. But when it comes to being quirky (something I have lived with my whole life), I have had to learn to do things on my own. For example, it's illegal to drive without a license, & even with a learner's permit, one must have a legal driver in the car. Well my mother made it so hellish for me to learn to drive, I ended up breaking the law to earn my license. I don't recommend it, but sometimes it's better to do things alone than with someone who is too opinionated or not helpful.

Whatever you do, don't sign anything until you are 100% happy the landlord is honouring everything he's told you is included in your rental. I get what you're saying about your mum, sometimes best to bite your tongue. Pick your arguments when they actually matter, this is just a flat.

Good advice, ZX_SpectrumDisorder! Many times it's best to pick your battles, tequila. But at the same time, if it's causing you a problem, it might be better to have mum stay home.

I doubt the estate agents would mess us about - we know their family.

Perhaps it's to do with the fact that I'm embarrassing her. I'm plainly picking out the problem that might occur with a property (I'm worried about the stairs and falling down them), and listing the good parts, and politely declining whereas my mum is more equivocal. I get the impression that I'm offending the guy showing me round. Am I being too aggressive?

Last edited by Tequila on 13 Apr 2012, 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've told her this, and she eventually agrees. It's just the even slight denial of voice and the over-offering of her own opinion bothers me.

Who cares? It's a straight up business transaction. Better to be assertive. Sod 'em.

That's what I thought.

Since I haven't been a witness to your behavior, I cannot comment on that. I would say that since the flat is for you, you must like it. All properties require compromise....you will not find an exact match. I would say list 10 or so items that are requirements for your living situation. If most of the items match, you may have found a good match. But don't go into any location expecting to tick off all your requirements....it's nearly impossible for any place to meet all your needs. There's really no need for you or anyone else to be aggressive or pushy. But if you have a need that must match & you can't compromise on that one item, then you need to address that. For instance, some places have tiny kitchens, or no bathtub in the WC. If those are things that you can't work around, then you'd need to check out another place.