Just went to see a flat today in the local area...

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Since it is a business transaction, it is important for the client to approve of the location. If the client doesn't approve, there's no agreement.

As long as it's in a good location, it doesn't require too much doing to it, it's reasonably sized (the place I looked at before the last one was on one floor, but had the kitchen and the living room in the same room, with only one other tiny room which was the bathroom!) and I can get down the stairs I don't mind. I wasn't being aggressive or pushy, simply stating my needs and reiterating otherwise how nice the flat was but I'm afraid I have to say 'no' to this one.

There is nothing wrong with that, Tequila. Sometimes you have to look at many places before you find something suitable. it's not unusual nor is it unreasonable. When I was hunting for a home, I probably looked at close to 40 before finding something I could live with. As long as you have patience, stick to your guns until you find something you could visualize yourself spending time in....lots of time. If you cannot stand a place due to noise or some other issue, it will not improve with time.

I thought so. Thanks for the moral support.

Nope, nothing wrong in that at all. Good luck with it.

Welcome! Right now, I am locked into a home for a long time, & some very inconsiderate/rude neighbors moved in who love to practice music (guitar/bass/drums) loud enough that I can hear it inside with everything closed up & even with my own background music playing. It makes me crazy. I have a drum too, & even though I could be every bit as obnoxious, I am trying to maintain my sanity without stooping to their level...though I have a very strong desire to practice my drum under their window...loudly! Were they the only neighbors on the street, I'd probably make their lives hellish, but because there are quite a few other nice people, I am doing my best not to lose my temper & retaliate.

Oy. Gotta love passive-aggressive mothers. I thought we had the market cornered on those here in the States. Guess not.

Don't know much of a way to deal with that one. Just try not to let her get to you. She's got her own issues-- and no, they aren't your fault.

I'll second that. Take your time and be patient. I lucked out with my first place-- I wanted a trailer, ideally with a porch, that didn't leak and was within walking distance of a convenience store and public transportation. The first place I looked at fit the bill-- and it only leaked once in the eight years I owned it.

I think the Guardian Angels of Autistic Teenage Chicks were looking out for me.

I've moved three times since then, and never got that lucky again.

Be patient. Be willing to accept "imperfect," but don't settle for what just won't work. Roll your eyes-- when she's not looking-- and ignore Mummy's manipulation. It's YOUR flat, and you're just as much a person as she is.

I'm always willing to say "NO", but I'm more interested in getting her to change her attitude and drop the manipulation.

I have been living on my own since last year it is a lot of fun but can be a pain to.

Well, my mom lived to be almost 91, & was like that to the very end. I do my best not to do that crap to my kids. They need to make their own choices, but I do give them advice as needed. Sometimes they listen, others they don't.

This sounds just like my interactions with my friend/roommate, who is also my landlord (as her and her husband are the property owners). She's generally aggressive all around and has a bad habit of telling other people what to think and how to behave, and it's said in a very condescending, mother-like "You do as I tell you" tone. I know she does it out of caring for the other person overall, and it's very difficult to disagree with what she's ever saying, and some people don't have any qualms with it (they don't mind being told what to do), but it gets under my skin pretty easily when she pulls that stuff on me.

I find that I have to walk a fine line with my roommate. I don't want to say something that will ruin our friendship or that will get me kicked out of the house, even though I may feel like going off on her occasionally, and there are some things that she does get to have final say so over because it's her house, but she doesn't get to have final say so over my personal being, so sometimes I also have to pick my battles and decide when I want to stand up to her. It's probably the biggest point of contention in my life right now, because I'm still pretty intimidated by her in general. The same situation comes up with mothers trying to be too buttinsky into the lives of their sons or daughters trying to raise their own child, so it's a pretty common situation.

As regards to your mom, I've venture to say that what you really want to concentrate on is being aggressive about speaking your mind regarding what you think about the flats and what questions you have, but resist enacting aggressiveness against your mom right now. You will not be able to change her, at least not during this relatively short period of home-hunting time, and you do value her input, so best to let her speak it. Just don't be afraid to speak up a bit more loudly for yourself, but do so in a manner that's about your needs, not about opposing her. Also, I doubt you are offending the guy showing you around. It's his job to sell you on a property that will meet your needs. You may eventually need to make a couple comprises on what it is you want, but unless he is aware of your wants and worries (rather than your mother's), then he will not be able to adjust the search to find a better fit for you. Keep in mind when you are expressing your wants and needs that you are doing it so that he can hear and is aware, not because you are trying to show up your mother. If you have questions, don't be afraid to ask them and get answers from him. That's why he's there, as an information guide. If your mom says something like, "Oh, why would you bother him with a question like that?" just stand your ground and remember that you are asking him the question and you expect him to answer regardless of what your mother says. Hopefully she'll come around and accept that you are starting to act more like an independent, grown up woman.

Learning to loosen the reigns a bit is hard for a lot of parents. I didn't really give my parents a choice. When I was 18 I was so upset with my dad, and my co-worker friend likewise with hers, that we went apartment hunting one weekend, put in the deposit on Monday, and I told my parents on Wednesday that I would be moving out that upcoming weekend. I was crying when I told them, and it hurt all around, but it was something that I had to do for myself, and at the time I really didn't know how else to exert my independence, so I went all out. It could have backfired, and I could have lost my family over it, because I wasn't thinking completely of the consequences. All I knew was that my dad's reigns were too tight and felt like they were strangling me, and I had to make that stop. Luckily, everything worked out fine.

Good luck with your hunting, and thank you very much for posting this. Coming up with my own response has actually helped me get into a good mindset and solidify in my mind some things about dealing with my roommate that had previously been causing me some major mental issues recently. So, it's helped me just as much - that's one thing I really like about these forums. Again, thanks and good luck.

I'd love to answer this in more detail and I will do so at a later time but...

Or a man, even...

You just get that apartment for the sisters worldwide.

Doh!

I get the impression that your mum is trying to encourage you to be polite around the estate agents, sounds like it's linked with conforming to rules for social behaviour. Speaking from experience, estate agents tend to expect people to praise the good points of a property whilst being polite about the negatives.

Maybe you come across as being a bit too agressive when you express your opinion - but you are entitled to your opinion, especially when it's about something as important as your new home.