The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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Hartzofspace, I know how you feel. I recently got married and about a month or so before I started to think that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. He had seen my odd behavior and suffered through my many episodes, but now this was going to be forever. I, actually, tried to talk him out of it about a week before the wedding. I just wanted him to realize that i was not going to change my ways and that it might not get better with time (we have to be so brutally honest, don't we!!). Actually, he is the only relationship I have told that i have AS. He didn't know what it was but after knowing me for a while he got the idea. And I educated him as much as possible with books and material online.

We got married in October on the beach and I had the wedding of my dreams with the man of my dreams! He is the man of my dreams because he TRIES everyday to UNDERSTAND me. No one my entire life has even tried!

Every day will be a new learning experience for the both of you. Just be honest with who you are and tell him all of your quirks and things that bother you so both of you will learn to set boundaries. And one of the best things he can do for you is to just let you freak out and get it out!! ! My husband knows I love lists so he says to make a list of things i want to talk about and he will make a time that is good for him to discuss them. If I don't I will talk about the same thing for hours over and over again.

We still fight sometimes but he is still learning about how to deal with me. And I am still learning to not be so selfish at times. I know it's not easy, but if he didn't love me he would be gone already.

So, I hope you will feel better about getting married. As far as the panic attacks go, I get them alot too. I start rocking back and forth and pull on my ear lobes. When my husband sees me like that he lightly tickles my back to calm me down. Sounds weird, but it works for me.

Sorry for replying so long after the original post. I just joined and saw it hadn't been addressed.

We have considered living separately in the past, but we wanted to make it work. Sometimes I'm not sure if living together is the best option, but we make it work somehow. This may be because we've never lived on our own; we moved out of our parents' houses when we were 18 and got married.

All you can do is try it. If it doesn't work know that you don't have to do the conventional thing and live together. What works for me is having separate rooms, and ground rules about the shared ones/spaces.

I wish you the best of luck!

Joy. not.
let me start by saying I am 19 years into this marriage
and on the whole it has been so much better than the first one.
I would even call it good - though a bit limited here and there.
the problem is that whenever I try to talk about my feelings
my wife, who does love me, interrupts , starts questioning, and otherwise negating what I am trying to - and have not yet finished - saying.
This pisses me off
I try to call her on it as gently as possible and it always goes places that are bad.

So I have learned to keep my mouth shut.
but occasionally - and yesterday was one of them.

Last night I said I was afraid that if we opened this can of worms
I have no idea what the outcome will be.
I can feel myself retreating deeper into my alone bunker.

Have so much going for me here don't want to lose it am willing to work
at things, but not to go where first marriage took me which was years of tension and anger.

Wheeeee

By "starts questioning", do you mean that she starts telling you how you are wrong?

yeah in that general direction -
I have to admit I have some hot buttons regarding criticism
and being told I am wrong, being told what to do
and worst of all being told what to think.

So I survived - am not the only socially inept person in the world.
This I should remember.
Also driving in Manhattan can be somewhat overwhelming
and survival requires unleashing an inner demon.

it seems to me that NT wives want to have fun once they're in the relationship i.e. chat, laugh, hang-out, joke.

- and that's where Aspie's can hit real problems (zero or very quirky sense of humour, no natural small talk, don't naturally attribute any value to 'hanging out', would rather be pursuing their own interests).

I haven't found an answer to this - I'd really value any suggestions? - thanks

I'm fortunate, I suppose--my wife isn't a terribly gregarious type. Loves outdoorsy stuff that doesn't involve gadloads of people. Having said that, the challenge here--she interprets not making eye-contact as a sign of not being receptive to what she's saying. Not true, I suppose.

An answer? Honest communication. That generally helps.

I am a woman with aspergers and married. My husband is pretty good with me although he does exhibit a few aspies trates himself he is to the best of my knowledge an NT.

We do argue sometimes as I get frustrated when he says he is going to do something and then doesn't, he forgets sometimes I take him literally.

I think it would be harder though if it was the other way around

I'm 24 and married, we've been married for 5 years and tbh we haven't had many problems, we work fairly well together. even the in-laws are OK, I have more problems with my family than his. I also have 3 kids, and I'm just wondering if anybody else has kids and if they've had any problems or difficulties concerning them.

Too bad this doesn't seem to be a very active thread, but I am going to post here anyway. I am bipolar and a recently diagnosed Aspie and have been married for 10 years. My husband shows many Aspie traits, but he has some other issues going on so our psychiatrist won't diagnose him until those other things get cleared up. We have an 8 year old Aspie daughter. She is the reason I have my diagnosis. When I was reading up on Aspergers for her, I noticed how many of the traits I have. We have had our rough times, but our marriage is strong now. We still misunderstand each other, but since we know that we do it, it gets worked out easily most times. I guess that's about it.

Too bad indeed the thread is not active. I came here looking for this exactly. Well, at least there is a lot to learn from reading the older posts.

I'm a 29 year old guy living with my boyfriend. We met at a seminary concerning gay health and I liked him right away. I flirted with him and we hit it off, and eventually, he moved to my city and we have been living together for about five years now.

We certainly have had our ups and downs. The beginning was great. Moving in together, however, put my boyfriend so close to me that he started noticing my quirks, and eventually, some of them bothered him more and more. He finally suggested I might have AD, and I read all I could of it. He was right. The rift between us wouldn't mend properly, though, and he became cold, angry and distant since he found me unreliable and considered my judgement very impaired. I got deeply depressed, as anger directed at me makes me completely dissolve. I started having panic attacks, and when we decided to break up, though it was painful, it was also a relief.

Half a year passed. I worked in another town but we kept in touch. Eventually, after having dated others, we decided that there really was nobody else we really wanted to be with, and got back together again. He had read up on AS and regretted the misunderstandings our differences had created.

Today, we're still together, and most of the time we're fine. We know each other better than ever. I get all the space I need as long as I avoid feeding my OCD tendencies and zoning completely out of real life. I decide when I want to join in his socializing. He's happy with doing a lot of stuff on his own or with friends. He knows he has to give me unmistakable messages to be sure I understand him. Sometimes he even asks for a written summary if we talk of something important. It's fine - it's a way to cope. You need to find tools to circumvent your challenges somehow.

I have realized that I am simply not supposed to have a lot of responsibility in life. I handle decision making very poorly, and leave my boyfriend to make decisions on our behalf. I think he would have preferred if I was not as helpless sometimes, but he knows this is simply part of me. Children would never work. I need peace, stability and consistency in my days if I am to do well. Limiting unneccesary stress is vital.

I still have ups and downs. Sometimes, I get anxious when It seems to me my boyfriend is upset with me. That kills me. But if I manage to talk about it, it subsides. Like others, sometimes I question my sanity when he tells me we've discussed something or I've done something, and I can't remember at all, but all I can do is trust him. I find receiving criticism hard, but have improved. I try to just pull myself together instead of silently melting down. I am improving, but then again, when I am down, I often wonder if we'll last.

The worst thing I know is when my boyfriend tells me he is upset with me for some reason I truly did not see coming. Realizing whatever mistake I've made freezes my blood to ice. In fact, that is exactly what it feels like. The shock of it will leave me a restless, fussing ball of stress for a week at least.

Enough rambling. In general, I am very lucky to have a boyfriend who understands me so much more than most others, and who wants to be a part of the solutions we find for our problems. We're doing pretty all right. The thought of marriage sends a shiver up my spine, but we'll see what happens.

I have this exact same problem with my husband. It takes me a while to get out what I'm trying to say, so he interrupts and misinterprets because I hadn't finished yet! So frustrating... He also seems subconsciously convinced that I'm the only one with a problem communicating, which is obviously not true!

Sounds like a trivial suggestion, but have you two explicitly laid down the rules for communication of important stuff? Me and my boyfriend has had a lot of trouble with it, and we've found methods to communicate better. This will probably be different for other people. For instance, I can't communicate well on intricate subjects if my boyfriend is looking me in the eye. It puts me on the edge and derails me. When we have these talks, I will for example sit behind him with my arms around him or lie spooned in bed. That way, I feel more relaxed. When he says something that is particularly important that I understand, I rephrase it back to him and ask him whether I interpreted him the way he wanted me to. This makes me feel vulnerable, because I feel slightly handicapped doing so and it is never fun discovering I have something completely wrong, but it is way better than the consequences of an ugly misunderstanding.

It sounds to me that you need to lay down some guidelines as to communication. Tell them that you need to be able to finish your train of thoughts and that comments or questions must come when you have completed entirely. Tell them that the patience to allow for this is the greatest communication favor they can do for you. NTs together with aspies need to be patient to make the most of their relationship. That is their contribution and me and my boyfriend would never have lasted if he was not. Communication can be hard for us aspies in general, and trying really, really hard is our contribution.

I just spent the last three hours reading this entire thread. What an incredible collection of stories, even though most of the thread is from 2007 -2009. I wonder what happened to all the contributors?

I'm NT married to an Aspie for over 10 years. Second marriage for both. He is my best friend, and I love him dearly. He does not have an official diagnosis, but we both know he is definitely an Aspie. For me the realization was really healthy for us because it helps us both to better understand our differences. Understanding is the key.

Question- do all or most Aspies have a parent who was also AS?

If so did the parent (in law) realize they were AS?

I ask because I think my MIL is AS, but I don't think anyone in my husbands entire family have ever uttered the word or thought about AS.

You're definitely right about that - understanding is the key. The biggest problem between me and my boyfriend was when we did not know I was an aspie. He was driven crazy by not understanding the choices and prioritizations that I made. Learning was great relief for us both.

I think most aspies have relatives with the same condition. I'm pretty certain that my dad has it, but he was not receptive to the idea. He's sort of from a time when there were no diagnoses, and doesn't make much of them now. Diagnosing AS and the co-morbid disorders seems to be a new thing.