Appears socially successful but has aspergers?

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I became an expert at wearing a mask and putting on a good NT show over the years (be 40 next week), but it was just that, a show. I was never really good at it and if people probed too deeply I could tell that they could see the cracks. It actually became an little issue when I was seeing a therapist a couple years ago. She actually suggested AS independent of my suggestion. But, then she changed her mind because she thought I was too well adjusted. Mind you, she doesn't deal with Autism or AS on a regular basis. Wasn't going to her for a diagnosis of AS anyway.
The only people that believe me when I tell them I am AS are my mom and sister. that's because they've seen me develop (or not) over the years and it makes complete sense to them too.

I think we could be the same person, after a fashion. Just turned 40 a little over a week ago. A select few have been told by me that I am an Aspie, and I have tended to get the "no way!" reaction more than a few times. Being involved in theatre, and coming from a well-trained (onstage and off) acting background, my only reply has been, with a knowing yet rueful smile, "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

It's almost impossible to get people to understand that a person can be autistic AND be (or at least appear to be) socially well-adjusted. This is why higher-functioning autistics were never recognized growing up.

I started learning to mimic others about 10th grade. Was an excellent actor by my 20's. When I join a new group, club, civic project, whatever, its only a matter of time before I am chosen leader. But its an act, a character I rehearse and play. My public persona. Only people who spend lots of time with me, my ex's, my kids, those people know the withdrawn me. My last ex wife would tap on my head and say "knock knock, is anyone in there!" Anyway, I am very successful socially, but only surface deep. I maintain a few hundred "friends" but remain distanced from them - feels safer.

Started watching movies at a very young age and read (a bit too much non-fiction). Human Psychology is a bit of a fixation for me, so it was natural for me to "learn" how to interact capably in HS and beyond, though there were challenges. I was definitely considered "odd", but I used it to my advantage. I've always made friends, but only over a VERY long timeline...think my AS makes it hard for me to allow people to get too close, too soon. I think many NT's are a bit more willing to go "all in" early in meeting people.

Similar pattern here. Diagnostic tests put me well into the autistic range but I was told I didn't qualify for diagnosis with an ASD because I'm "not sufficiently impaired". OK, I'm 59 and a diagnosis doesn't matter too much now ... but ...

Socially I can function very well if I want to and have done so, give or take the odd wobble, all my life ... but it has become more and more tiring as I've got older. And I increasingly resent the amount of effort that I have to put into it. Occasional acquaintances would never know I'm an aspie. Work colleagues tend to think I'm a bit of a driven perfectionist, but since I work in safety-critical software, I tend to regard them as shambolic muddlers (which a fair few actually are). Almost none of my lifelong friends was at all surprised at my diagnostic scores.

It pisses me off that outward ability to function should be taken as disqualifying me from a diagnosis of AS. However smooth I can make social performance appear, it exhausts me and the extent and frequency of the exhaustion *does* affect my quality of life ... but then that's pig-headed doctors for you ...

when the hell am I ever among ppl??

What you described is very one sided and doesn't take as much social improvisation. So I would say it is possible.

Yup, I was very much normal on the surface when I was I hs, but my life consisted almost entirely of organized activities with lots of structure, so it was easier for me to navigate. Once I got to college, things began to take a downturn. I would pursue a diagnosis, I missed all of my 20s, you have a chance

This ... everything came apart for me once I was out of the structured environment of school. In school the tasks are clear, the social skills of peers less developed and therefore easier to mimic. But the adult world is a different story. I made a few new acquaintances after school, in my early 20s, via the social network from school which continued to exist for a time ... but once I lost contact with the last of my friends from school ... that was it. And there is no clarity or structure to adult life.

people who can fake it, can often make it- at least better than those of us who just can't fake it in the first place.

I think that is possible if you can compensate the lack of intuitive social behaviour with analytical and rational patterns. You can learn cues and behaviour patterns - they're to a great extent regular and repetitive - and apply them in similar situations. Theoretically....

That's how I do it, anyway; I am rather good at small-talk and I can get along with anyone because I adapt my replies to what I think they want to hear and I developed most of my verbal eloquence through reading.
But it's really, really tiring and exhausting for me. I assume, however, you wouldn't notice except that I talk less and less if the conversation takes longer than half an hour. By that time I just don't have the resources to make all those analytical conclusions necessary for me to act socially.
But until then, I doubt anyone would notice anything except that I look into empty space instead of their face.

I only do that when I'm forced into social situations though. I'm finishing my second year at university and I know one other student by name, there... I avoided all group-work assignments and, by now, it seems I successfully discouraged everyone from speaking to me. They're probably surprised that I am such a nice, funny and charming person when I'm in a situation where I can't evade interaction.
Sometimes I wish I could not fake it - that became somewhat of an automatic process - because then they would just categorise me as weirdo and leave me alone.

For me the degree to which faking it tires me is a major adverse effect on quality of life. My systemising traits make me very good at my work (software engineering) but however much professional respect I get for that, it doesn't go very far in making me feel better about how hard I find it to fake social competence.

Yes, I can imagine that this knowledge doesn't do much good there.
My systemising helps me in my psychology studies, too - except in social psychology, ironically, because that is, to me, just an unstructured heap of interdepending and/or conflicting theories that neither support nor refute each other in any systematic way.

I just consider myself lucky in some way, because I seem to be that much emotionally detached that I don't suffer from not having any frequent social contact - the internet is a fully functioning substitute.
I can only guess how hard it must be if you actually want to engage in social activities but you cannot. Whoever has to live with that has my sincerest sympathy.

Even the ability to fake social skills doesn't contribute much, I think - you're just acting in a social play. No one stares at you, and the like, but that's it...

Absolutely! I had one of the most happy experiences in high school of all the people I know including NT's. I never had that many friends before. I met my future wife in my freshman year and 2 of my best friends who are more like brothers to me. I enjoyed it so much I actually got depressed when I graduated.

This provoked much thought. I agree that it is acting in a social play ... but having a significant speaking part, if one may see it in that way, does help to maintain a kind of engagement with people that on the whole makes life more workable ... at least that's how I find it.