Simply said: I want to stop conforming to the NT culture

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I was recently diagnosed and now my life makes sense. I know why I was anxious, why I did not communicate well, why I missed social cues and why I felt like an outsider.

So, enough is enough. I no longer wish to pretend I am an NT. I never knew I was pretending but now that I do know I want it over. I think this means not reacting to NTs the way they expect; it's not my job to make them feel good or to do what they define as correct behavior.

Suggestions please.

When in Rome do as the Romans do.

I think if you don't try, you might be in for even more rejection.

I don't have a suggestion, but I will let you know that you are not alone! I am new to this forum and still trying to figure out if the majority of posts and responses are written with the sentiment of helping Aspies be Aspies or helping Aspies be NTs. I'm not NT; I know that now. I never will be, and your first two sentences of your OP are my exact thoughts. I know now. I really am different.

So, why should I try to be normal? I have spent my whole life mimicking NT behavior-- which I do well in some regards and poorly in other regards. What I am finding out, now in my mid-thirties, is that I actually have no clue who I really am... other than a fauxNT. I don't want to do that. I don't see what's better about NTs. A lot of them are happy, sure, but also ignorant. I also just found out that I have a really high IQ, and that explains a lot, too-- no wonder I see the interconnectedness of all these details in life and no wonder I am so depressed... I think way too much! Should I dumb myself down so that I can be happy?! Is that what it takes?! This is what I wonder.

I also agree precisely with you when you say, "[I]t's not my job to make them feel good or to do what they define as correct behavior." I reject the idea that I have a disorder or a syndrome. I simply reject that label. Am I different? Yes. Is that a disorder? Absolutely not! Maybe (just maybe) the world would be better off if there were more people with my mental acuity. Do I sound like a prick saying that? I'm sure I do... but I might just be right.

I understand. I'm 62 and trying to get a proper diagnosis. My new shrink, in my first session, says my AS is mild. If here the word mild one more time I will go wild. What AS has done to my life can hardly be described as mild. Being who we are is a fundamental aspect of freedom and let's not allow any of us to forgt that.

Ignorance is bliss.

Do you know the price you'll pay and are ok with it?

I very much feell this way. I went through a life house cleaning of sorts and ditched all the things I was doing for society and for everyone else and am rebuilding a life that is more comfortable form me. I feel that everyone else puts themselves firts and now that I know what my needs are...its my turn, My life will turn out non-taditional but to be sure I will be more comfortable and hopefully happier for real, not happy pretend.

I can relate to this, as I'm starting to look for ways not to pretend anymore too. It's exhausting running the "scripts" necessary to keep NTs happy at the workplace, at home, in the market, etc. But if you're going to interact you have to do some - but my question now is: Do I truly have to do all I do?

Like in a work meeting the other day I forced myself to make eye contact, even though it was uncomfortable (sometimes I can't, but when I can I make myself). Well, that's required if you want to keep a job or keep your coworkers from turning on you, deciding you're "stuck up" or an ass or not a team player.

But it occurred to me the other day that I don't have to make constant eye contact with store clerks. They rarely care at all. Now if I feel like it I give them a quick glance when I tell them thanks as I'm leaving, and call it good. And I'm getting the same treatment from them. So all this time, I've been making myself do something that wasn't actually getting me much in return.

So now I'm working out what other things I can drop or do less of, not only to be more myself, but also to not wear myself out and make myself believe I'm so "flawed" because I'm not yacking it up/etc like an NT.

Physiatrists seem to hate Aspergers (aka high functioning Autism); they tip the hat to its existence if they feel generous, or they outright deny you may have it without any relevant test whatsoever. I speak from experience.

Tongue planted in cheek...
Is now the time to push for a new "civil Rights" issue? We could call NTs Asperphobes. We could have an Aspie Pride movement complete with an Aspie Pride Parade performing all kinds of despicable acts on floats. Apparently the general public loves this kind of demonstration and is shamed into celebrating (not just accepting) this behaviour. We can then win any argument by pulling the Asperphobe or racist card!

I used to think: I will never let them see me - they don't deserve to.

I am not sure anymore. If it makes them feel hurt and afraid just because I am not like them, then maybe they deserve to be, rather than me. And if it doesn't, maybe they are deserving to see me and know me, too.

Well, first of all, I have to say I don't know if I'm AS or I'm NT. Maybe I'm NT with AS traits (that's my own diagnose) but I feel a strong connection with all of you.

I tried to be like NT's until I was 27 (I'm 30 now) because I wanted to be "in the world", I wanted a relationship, a good bunch of friends, etc. You know, you have to get a social life to achieve all of that... I moved to another city at 27, a very touristic place with a lot of party tradition and where if you are not NT, you can be seriously bullied. I got friends easily, as I am a good talker; my problem was the maintenance of that friendship... I was always making big efforts (parties, small talks about stupid things as "worst think you did while you were drunk", sacrifying a lot of free time to do boring things with them). I was accepted until I felt exhausted of all the parties and boring conversations, of my phone always ringing, of me always smiling and laughing at stupid jokes... so my group of 6 friends left me because it was impossible to me to follow their speed pace. I left that city, fortunately, one year ago, I left it in loneliness.

Now I'm in my town, searching for a job abroad. Sometimes I walk around the town and I feel disconnected, but I don't care anymore. I see people, but seems I'm not in the same town as them, they are living their NT relations; families, couples, bunch of friends... while I observe them, and I don't want to know them. I don't want to imitate the NT's anymore, because finally I know what happens if I try it. It's too much effort and... Why you have to force yourself to enjoy something you hate?

Thanks for sharing that, BanjoGirl.
I am somewhat older and have been through a very similar history. I work in IT which keeps social (meetings) activity to a minimum. I really tried hard over the years, including a fifteen year marriage, etc. I have been in solitary now since 1998. I have no family, relatives or friends, and I don’t say that proudly. I don’t see that I had a real choice. Overall it’s been manageable, often enjoyable. It’s amazing how much a cat (low maintenance) can contribute to my well-being.
So, hang onto your principles, and say what you mean. I (we?) understand and appreciate the real you

Maintain Objectivity and try not to think in terms of *me and them.

I know exactly what you mean because I am at the same juncture.

I have decided to live more in my own method, the Aspergers card is legitimately ours to use if we have the condition. There is no rule book to life, despite what some people would have you believe.

I say live in a way that makes you comfortable and happy.

Be like Frank Sinatra and do it your way.

Thanks to you to appreciate my comment Richwendt!

I discovered how big was my social "disconnection" while I was living in that city, and it's true, there is not real choice, I left that city in loneliness but it was not my choice, I wanted the opposite situation, but it's what it is, as you said.
Maybe one day I'll make friends or I will have a relationship, I don't know, but I'll never get another "big immersion" in the NT social world. Their games beat quite hard.

Good you have a job where you have very low social contact, and good that you manage and enjoy yourself. I enjoy myself quite a lot too. I liked your "low maintenance" reference to your cat, I had to take care of two small and noisy dogs three days and it was a nightmare.

Regards

It's a difficult question, to be sure. I see myself as being my own person, someone that no one forces to be something I am not. I tried that game and all it got me was frustration and annoyance. However, I did learn some things about social interaction during that time and many of those lessons have stayed with me as a part of my personality. As far as it goes though, I now refuse to go to parties or throw them, dress to conform to society's expectations (but I usually try to at least look clean enough to not be mistaken for a homeless person!), or engage in useless drivel like watching sporting events (for the most part). To me, this is not an aspergers thing as I made these decisions long before I ever even heard of the disorder. No, this is about being true to myself and not forcing myself to be unhappy just to make others like me. I am not uncivil, and I have learned how not to insult people unknowingly most of the time. However, I will still say what needs to be said without lying 90% of the time as to me it is better to be truthful and honest than deal with the consequences of trying to cover for a lie. The only difference is that now I know how to use tact when saying it. It doesn't mean people aren't hurt at times, but at least they are forced to confront the truth of their actions. The people who know me, know I am like this but choose to be around me anyways. That's the nature of true friendship though. It's not based only on feelings but rather on choosing to care for someone and them knowing you have their best interest at heart and responding in a reciprocal manner.

As far as it goes though, I don't tell everyone the truth about what is on my mind unless they ask for it. I find that I don't need to lie to them, just not volunteer what is on my mind when all they want is someone to listen. You may be terrible at lying, but you can learn discretion as to when you will speak. As such, I now get along with most people in my life and no longer have any enemies. I may not be on everyone's social calendar, but I am someone people want to talk to because I won't BS them and I genuinely do care about their problems should they choose to tell me about them. I have also learned that sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Plus, I have also gained enough humility and self-esteem to know that some times the smartest thing you can say is "I don't know." After all, I now know I am not always right, even if it seems like I think I am.

Hi, I'm new to Wrong Planet and it's really interesting the number of threads that I strongly identify with. It's very reassuring.

For me, conforming and behaving according to social norms is exhausting; it leaves absolutely no space for anything else. I'm really very good at passing as "normal" but it's come at a high price. All the things I value or make me feel content are set aside so I can fulfill some unwritten expectations. Perhaps this would be a reasonable price if, after all this effort, I considered myself happy and fulfilled or successful, but I'm really not. Only my family and partner realise the monumental effort it's taken to achieve 'adequate'. On the other hand, the reaction if I tell other people I have Aspergers is typically "but you seem so normal!". I think it's meant as a compliment but I find it quite offensive.

I'm coming to the conclusion that passing as normal for normals sake is not a productive use of my time and energy and actually there are loads of things that I would far rather be be doing. I guess it's about finding the right balance. I do want to be in the world, I feel I have a degree of responsibility to participate, however, I would like to do it on my own terms. Of course, I'm so accustomed to walking to the beat of someone elses drum that I'm not currently sure the best way to adapt.