NT wife AS husband, questions about responsibility/family

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Hello everyone. I am new here and looking for guidance, support and perspectives. I am a NT woman age 50 married to an AS man 51. We have been married for almost 14 years. To say we have had some challenges would be an understatement. When we got married it was the second marriage for both of us, and we each came to the marriage with children. My daughter was somewhat older, and fared pretty well with the re-marriage. She lived with us for until she was ready to move out on her own and never had any major issues with my AS husband. In fact I would even say my husband was a good stepfather, even though he was often distant. He provided well for both of us and my daughter was happy that I was finally in a marriage to someone I could really love. To this day they get along pretty well. My daughter also has a good relationship with her bio dad. On my husbands side, he has two children, both were fairly young when we got together. They were 3 and 6. My husband and his ex had a very contentious divorce, and the dislike he and his ex have for each other remains to this day. I would even call it hate. It wasn't too long after their divorce that the ex moved with the kids to the other side of the country. My husband tried to fight the move but did not prevail in court and instead he got visitation. It was a lot of visitation, but with the kids living on the other side of the country, it was way less frequent, and the visits were much longer.

Those were the early years and when I realized my husband was not like most people. When the kids first moved he was truly crushed. I remember he cried, and that is the only time I have ever seen him cry. I remember telling him we would make the visits the best they could be, and I honestly think we both tried to do that as much as we could. But as the tension with the ex (who is one of the most bitter and controlling people I have ever met) wore my husband thin, and his demanding job kept him from being around much when we had the kids. I started noticing he really wasn't all that bonded to them. He couldn't relate to them. As the years went by he became more of a stranger to them.

During those years my own role with him was a challenge. looking back now that I know he has AS it all makes sense, but at the time I struggled so much to deal with all his AS traits, and feeling alone and isolated. His family who lived close by were no help. They all function like robots, and bottom line is I got no support from them. I was not able to be superwoman and make everything okay with his kids, ex, family, etc... I could barely manage my own marriage. A couple years ago we decided to move and started over in a brand new town. This was when I found out about AS. A friend of mine who knows both me and my husband gave me a book. I started reading and then I balled my eyes out the whole way through that book and several other books on AS. I could NOT BELIEVE there was a name for my husband and the way he was! I had so many OMG moments I lost count. Everything from vocal tics to rigid routine, to obsessions, neuro-sensitivity, to major social problems, to emotional detachment, high intelligence.... it is ALL there.

I remember I was literally shaking the night I decided to share my new revaluation with him. I could barely get the words out, in fact he thought I was about to ask for a divorce! Far from it. I said no, I think you have this condition called Aspergers. He listened for about five minutes nodding as I tried explaining, then went inside and googled AS, came out five minutes later and said- "Yeah, that sounds about right". That's it. He didn't need to have a big talk about it. He said he always knew he was different, and when I told him I think through the years I have become somewhat "aspergated" he just laughed. Like I said, that was it, no big talk. That's my husband though he doesn't need to have big talks. And he didn't need a formal diagnosis from a shrink. That kind of stuff just doesn't matter to him.

Our life and relationship improved so much with my new found knowledge, we manage our own world very well. Jut goes to show, NT's can love Aspies very deeply. I would say I can relate to Ashley Standford who wrote the book "Aspergers and Long Term Relationships".

Now- here is where I want some advice. Since we moved my husband has not seen his kids. They are older now, daughter is 21 and son is almost 18. My husband doesn't really want much to do with them, and feels THEY have had bad behavior through the years. In some ways they have, but much of that is because of their mother. They don't really acknowledge me at all and haven't for years, and have a strong resentment for their dad. In my mind, some of it is justified and some is not.

My question- do I try to intervene? Would it do any good? They don't want MY attention, they want HIS.... so do I have a responsibility here or not? I truly believe I have somehow been the scapegoat in this (not sure why) .... which I actually resent... yet I carry around a profound sadness that these kids are so estranged from us.

So I had an idea of maybe sending them a book on AS. By the way, I suspect the son may have AS too. I can't say for sure since there has been so much distance, but I do highly suspect it. I wonder if that would be a good idea, or if it would just make things worse. I also sometimes want to tell my MIL the same thing, but then I back off. I mean my husband is 51 years old. If his mother doesn't know now.... then I don't see it as something she WANTS to know, and I don't want to risk any backlash.

Sorry this is so long.

Any thoughts would be most welcome.

The best thing may be to talk to your husband about how he wants to deal with his kids, and if he even wants a relationship. If he does, bring up the idea of sending them the book so that they may understand him better. While I'm all for family, sometimes even family doesn't work out too well. If he and his kids can't reach some sort of mutual relationship, then maybe they're both better off without it.

Thanks for responding.

I have asked him if he wants to "get in touch with the kids?", in fact very recently which is what prompted me finding this forum and looking for more info on Aspie parenting, or rather lack of it in divorce situations. His response was that he was doing what he wanted to do and that maybe when they are both older (and less under the influence of their mother) they can have a chance for a relationship.

He does not feel emotional about it. At least not that I can see.

I really do feel his AS has had a huge impact on his relationship with his kids though, and it's almost as if I feel guilty not letting them know about it. That's why I also asked, is this my responsibility? In fact why do I even feel responsible if he himself isn't concerned about them knowing? Perhaps because I get the same cold shoulder from them just for the fact that I am married to their father. (for you Apsies out there, that is a common female NT trait-- I have empathy for the kids, thus I want to fix it, even though they pretty much treat me like crap. Empathy can be a very powerful force)

No other responses? I thought this was a huge Aspie community?

Do NT's also post here who have Aspie spouses or family members?

If anyone knows a better place for me to post this, please let me know.

This is a very difficult (but familiar to me) situation. It seems the kids are outta-sight, outta-mind. I would not be happy with his indifference, either. But, I don't think there is any easy solution. I would not send the book or interfere in any direct way, but take an indirect approach.

OK, since you're so insistent...

You are feeling like interfering in your husband's relationship with his kids so YOU will feel better. He is an Aspie and does not have the same social and emotional needs for sentimental attachments to "family" that you do.

His kids are adults, and can now establish an adult relationship with him if they choose. Should that happen, you may help out by facilitating their visits, but otherwise you should butt out except for the occasional holiday card or email to say hi.

One tip... since the kids are old enough, someone should let them know he probably has AS and what that means - then you all can work with it better!

Interesting response that made me think about things.

You are right to a degree, I do think of "interfering" so that I can feel better about the situation. However I also feel sorry for the kids because they don't know their father and they don't know he has AS. If I don't tell them, who will? The answer is nobody, and they will just continue on thinking he is a bad father who doesn't care about them.

The problem is not the AS. The problem is the kids are poisoned by the mother and so it's not enjoyable to relate to them - as your husband told you.

It's not your responsibility to do something about and I wouldn't contact his kids without first asking your husband if that's ok with him. As to telling his kids about AS, that's something only your husband is entitled to do, I wouldn't go there at all.

hi yes this is a tough one. i feel for your situation.

firstly it's great you are loving your Aspie husband (i am one, also age 51); although he may not show it, and although he needs space sometimes (his brain gets frazzled by interpersonal interaction, even with you), he appreciates it i am sure, way down. it's really, really nice being loved by a woman.

i would use logic with your husband. "are these propositions true?;
1. our relationship is better since we discussed your AS.
2. I feel much better since understanding your AS.
3. if 1. and 2. are better in your relationship with me, they could also be true in your relationship with your children.
4. is there any downside in telling them? No."

it doesn't matter much whether it's you or your husband who tells them.

one way of telling them would be to send them the Wired Baron-Cohen questionnaire www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html and say how your husband gets a high score.

my children know, and i think it helps that they do. it also helps me that they know, because when i do something weird i can explain it to myself as Aspie and not have to beat myself up too badly about it

Thanks for the responses above.

Before I came here and saw the responses I had asked my DH if he thought it would be a good idea to tell the kids about him being an Aspie. His response was "What for? It won't matter".... then went on to change the subject. I didn't go back to it. I've decided to respect his boundaries and let him deal with it as he chooses. I will never have a relationship with them anyway unless he does first, so I am tired of putting emotion into a situation I have no control over. It's very draining.

JC I am glad things are working out in your situation. I imagine it helps a great deal that you are with the mother of your children. Distance can make things really hard.

good you've reached some peace about it. i think you're right to recognise that sometimes we try to influence etc things that aren't really ours to own

I really like JCJC77's approach. My husband of 12 years was just diagnosed 3 months ago. We are trying to learn about AS, what things can change and what can't. If you haven't already I recommend reading Tony Attwood"s "A Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome". It was unreal to learn about my husband (and for him to learn about himself) via that book. There were things he had hidden very well. JC is right, its about logic. Another book, "Loving Mr. Spock".
You and not being on the spectrum place interaction and relationships high on our list. Aspie's generally don't. I think also, like any man especially, it's a huge blow to be rejected. His kids not understanding him and the eventual falling out I'm sure effects him more than he admits. I would venture to say, he doesn't know how much himself nor how to express his feelings of failure.

In saying that I would send the book. My inlaws are reading it, I don't think my dad will. He doesn't get it and probably never will.
We have three young children, our oldest being 8 has anxiety issues. Mostly from the lack of stability from us as parents. A LOT of tension and stress in this little house because something has always been off and we didn't know why. Now thankfully she is seeing a family therapist and we have through art and role play discussed "daddy feeling aspie". It is a far cry from him just getting up and leaving the room for hours to play at the computer. I'm sure she wondered if he loved her!

With each child came more stress which led to health issues, surgeries and more stress. He hasn't been able to hold down a job for the past few years so we are really just trying to pick up the pieces and do the best we can. I'm thankful for my husband that he is willing to get help whenever I've suggested we/he needs it. Now we know why:)

I think it would really help your husband's kids to know that there isn't anything wrong with them, they didn't drive him away. He loves them but has a hard time showing it as they would expect. All those things. I will say the aforementioned book does focus on children with AS but, my husband as I'm sure yours is is a self-admitted child;) Many of the traits still apply.

My heart goes out to you. I can identify in many ways. One day at a time. We can't let this define who we are, my husband really really wants to be a good husband and father. He has his good days and others not so good. Good days are when he's up out of bed and not spending all day at the computer. His point of interest is video games and role playing games. Things I didn't understand he really did think about ALL the time! lol. All I knew was that they seemed to come before me or anything else. Its hard being second. SO there is something very freeing about knowing about the AS for both of us. I think it would be good for his kids and let them come to him or he to them. If it were me unless it was totally against my husband's wishes, I'd send Christmas cards at the very least. I'm so sorry they have treated you so poorly. I have been blessed with awsome inlaws that I am almost closer to than my own family. I also have found support in the church. Though this is such a particular thing you really have to look for the right support. I would never join anything husband bashing. LOL so this ended up being alot about me but I felt that you needed to hear that you are not alone! My husband is 33 and I am 35 and yes, we just found out 3 months ago.

Anyway I look forward to your reply. I actually came on here to see if there were any Aspie parents out there. There is NOTHING on how to parent when you are an aspie. Very frustrating. I say the best thing we can do is stay informed and have compassion. I think its easier to have compassion for others than my own husband sometimes lol.

The kids need me to actually do something rather than be on here so i will end this for now. Feel free to write me back:) I will be praying for you and your family for peace and understanding as well as protection. Never give up! Fight the fight!

Dmomma

Hi Dmomma great post (especially that very good first sentence lol).

It is a hard road being an NT with an Aspie partner. Very hard. But if your husband is onside that is great news. I am 51 so we're a few years ahead of you. Things I have found useful;

- awareness of my deep interests. I sometimes come to hate them; I am so keen (in my case, normally trying to save the world e.g. by working out how to prevent mental illness), but at the same time I have had growing perception about them which helps me control them a bit. Again, logic; in the right time, I suggest you suggest to him that he audit, in the cold light of day, what impact his interests have had. Has he saved the world? Has he really had fun? Has he fulfilled God's command to love others? Or have they been, actually, largely time down the plug hole? an escape from tougher reality? If he gets an inch's perspective it could help him a lot. Sometimes I am able to put them down because I know my wife needs time.

- even though I can't take part when my family are having banter and fun (with jokes flying here and there, sometimes about me, which I can't keep up with), I have learned to sort of not throw a spanner in the wheels. Which is a great step forward. I can be with them, I can drive the car, keep the wheels on the road, maybe buy the food in the restaurant. Above all I can stop myself dragging the atmosphere to a serious place. So I mostly go quiet and let it run. And that's ok. I kind of like to be part of it, in amongst it, even though I'm not. Even if I'm laughing a few minutes behind them. It's still a lovely loving thing. In the old days I would drag it serious, or get up and walk away. Now I try to hunker down, hold tight, and just stick in there, even though it's very hard for me, and I just try to not disturb anything, to do no harm.

- it's good if possible to have other adult figures being big in your children's lives, to further dilute the Aspieness. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law live nearby (we moved here especially) and have been very big sources of love and normalcy in my children's lives. It might be church youth leaders, sports coaches, etc; good for the children to have a spread of contacts if possible.

May God bless you and your family.