Adult bullying

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Hi,

I was wondering if you as adults deal with bullies. If so, how have you or are you bullied?

I have a neighbour who covertly tries to bully me. (For instance, throwing garbage or destroying plants in my garden 'by accident' ). I know it's not personal. She tries to pick on everybody who is in some way vunerable. What she fails to realize is that to bully effectively, one must be in a position of power. She isn't and that makes her look pathetic.

Bullies are very, very, very insecure people who are jealous of others. She actually told me so once. I'm a creative person, and that shows in my house and garden. She isn't, she has no feeling for design and colour and her plants always do poorly. And that makes her green with envy. I'm an extra threat to her because I'm aloof. She takes that personally, while my other neighbours accept me as an 'absentminded professor' and think it's rather endearing.

I haven't seen that many bullies as an adult.

There is one local around here who tries to be a bully. He's one of the local farmers who drinks coffee at a local restaurant many afternoons. It's not unusual when someone walks in for him to make remarks about them -- basically he is trying to place them below himself in the local pecking order. Reacting to those remarks just gives him what he wants. I generally don't even acknowledge that he even exists. For someone who wants to be a big shot, being ignored is about as bad as it gets.

I had made connections with a woman at my congregation who appeared to be a nice person who followed scripture and all that. However, I started seeing some red flags with her. This included bad mouthing one of her friends about how he took advantage of her and that he was not a believer. At first I thought it was true and then something else inside of me woke up and said felt that something was off. I was even concerned that she would badmouth me.

We did hang out a few times but A) I did not find that she was that interested in me B) She seemed to disrespect her other friends by ignoring them over the summer and had disappeared from congregation for several weeks. D) When she came back, I asked her where she had been and laughed and said, "I don't know."

Anyway, I was in the middle of a conversation with someone else and she cut in and automatically started accusing me of bad mouthing and cursing a certain group of people. "Can we dismiss the conversation now is not a good time." I then got up and moved and she said, "Curse those who curse your people." Another lady was sitting with me and also thought it was rude and strange of her to talk to me like that.

I called her out by texting her and mentioning that I was done with her and asking her not to bother writing back. She then disrespected me by writing back and accusing me of cursing certain people in the house of God on a certain day. I asked if that was her business. I was also accused of gossiping about her but that she forgave me and said that I needed to repent and may I be in the Lamb's book of life (As for the gossip, when she disappeared over the summer, other people kept asking me if I had heard from her. I said that I liked her but I did not trust her and that something about her seemed off to me. That got around to her) So she was a huge bully.

It's nothing personal with her either. It sounds like she has a certain mindset along with insecurity and has nothing else better to do.

Summer Twilight, you seem to have quite a lot of problems with people in your church, from what you post here Have you thought about maybe switching to a different church? Most are not full of drama like yours seems to be. I'd seriously consider switching to somewhere else if it's that bad.

An individual spread around that I'd placed a report on a work gang of approx 8 guys that they did not wear their safety gear to a senior manager.
I wasn't liked by many and the rumour spread like wildfire. They were quite happy to believe something against me. I was ostracised and graffiti appeared on toilet walls regarding me. I’d walk past people and they’d look away or look through me like I wasn’t there.
Sitting down at a table at lunch would clear the table of other occupants.
The workforce was over 150 guys and maybe a dozen would acknowlege me.
I couldn’t prove 100% who started the rumour but have a pretty good idea.
He was an underachiever who was known as the laziest man in the workplace.
A typical bully, who was quite happy to stab people in the back and needed an audience to make a big man of himself as he did it. The low cur dog.

How to deal with it?
Don't seem to have a problem any more being their boss may have something to do with it

There is a good article from the Minds and Hearts site. Hope its OK with this site to post it. link to site

Last edited by BrokenBill on 27 Sep 2012, 12:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Bet he always has an audience too, they seem to need some poor saps to agree with them

In his case, not much of an audience. Most people just put up with him rather than applaud him. As an example, a few years ago he ran for a political office in a race with three candidates. He got maybe 10% as many votes as second place and 5% as many votes as the winner.

It sounds like he is just someone who is not really a bully but someone who is miserable.

A bully is someone who continues to find something wrong with you as a person and use continuous acts to purposely hurt and intimidate you. He just sounds more like someone who is set in his own ways.

As for the votes, that is too funny.

Nobody was bullied more than I was as a teen but other than a few at work as a 16-21 year old, I never encountered one as an adult. I suppose being 6'6" and in top physical shape and having a nasty temper and face that's almost blood red at times means nobody would dare mess with me. I made the mistake once of refusing to stand up for myself and hoping they will go away if I ignored them but not anymore. Fortunately I haven't had to worry about bullying in a long time.
I ran into one of my former bullies (he's got a wife and two kids but still looks like an escaped convict) and he gave me the cold death stare so I knew he remembered exactly who I was. I gave it right back to him because I know he can't physically attack me anymore and he knows to not say a word to me because I'm twice his size now. He's the type of person that's so scary if he was arrested for murder I would wonder what took so long for him to get caught and what's worse, he was the type of bully that did not need an audience to get his jollies. There were two of them back in the day and they always attacked together and were masters at doing it so subtly nobody noticed.

As an adult, I find bullying does happen but in a different way compared to grade school. Adults often bully people in more un-obvious or passive aggressive ways compared to obvious and outwardly aggressive ways in grade school. The fortunately thing you'll is adults don't like bullying and it doesn't happen as often but when it does the bullying is in a passive aggressive ways. Some examples of this type of bullying is: people you know talk bad things behind your back, they cancel plans on purpose, or they something insulting in a backhanded way. Sometimes these kind of adult bullying can be worse because it's harder to detect until your attacked and sometimes it can be more hurtful because you may think some of these people who do it are "friend" in order to cover up to obvious.

Not counting children, I can count on the fingers of one hand the people in my life who haven't bullied me. One neighbor, three friends (the fourth one tries every time she gets drunk-- which is all the time-- but she's so far down it just makes me want to hug her), and my senile old granny.

Daddy wasn't real big on bullying-- he would lose his temper and do it sometimes, but he always apologized. A lot of people told him he wasn't a very effective parent because he wouldn't use force to get compliance, but I appreciated it.

Everybody else-- husband, in-laws, the rest of my family, medical professionals, my stepmom's relatives-- you name it, I've been bullied by it.

It's usually effective. My husband gets his way, I'm constantly trying to please my in-laws so I won't be a bad person, I live in terror of doctors and nurses and school teachers and police and bureaucrats (and bank tellers and cashiers and....). I haven't seen my stepmom in over a year. She told my grandma last week that she loves us and misses us and would like to see us. It's not going to happen. Because of the bully.

It's a fact of life for everyone. Most people have the benefit of safety in numbers. When you're different in any way-- whether that's being an Aspie in a neurotypical world or an old lady with moderate-and-getting-worse dementia or an Italian miner's widow in a predominantly white upwardly mobile small West Virginia town (or African-American in the wrong part of the South, or Chinese on the Great Plains, or an American Indian when Europeans decide the land belongs to them and dominance is their manifest destiny)-- you can pretty much plan on safety in numbers not being on your side.

You keep your head down and your mouth shut and your affairs in order-- you keep the letter of the law, you keep your emotions on a very short leash, you make sure there is always a support person you can run to and someone who will speak for you, you keep a relationship with a good lawyer, you have advance directives. You get away from people and you stay away from people-- and that's waaaaay easier said than done. Or you just accept that it's only a matter of time until the bullies tear you apart and take over your life.

Because no one is going to take up for you, and very few are going to accept it when you take up for yourself.

Nobody likes that. I don't like saying that. Other people don't like admitting that. But the sad fact is, that's just about the way it is.

You try to be happy anyway. You can be remarkably happy with your head down and your mouth shut, with a healthy dose of staying the hell away from people thrown in.

I don't deal with bullies as an adult, only online. I just try and ignore it if it happens and not let it get to me. I know those bullies will say mean hurtful things just to hurt me and it may not be their true opinion. That is what I call a troll. Sometimes they do it to other mean people online but yet they also do it to innocent people. Plus people who are not nice people also tend to think I am dumb and ret*d and not smart and thy also say nasty things to me or about me. I just ignore it. I don't care what they think.

I was a budding young professional with a few years of experience under my belt. I wanted a change of direction within my field so I gave up my government job and went to work in an established private practice. I was manipulated and bullied from the beginning. Oversupervision on tasks I was knowledgeable and skilled in, undersupervision for more difficult cases which actually put the patients at risk and me in a very difficult situation, implied and overt criticism, jumping in and taking over patients with whom I was progressing well with, not allowing access to resources at critical times such as computers, admin support, and therapy resources, inappropriate comments about my clothing, lifestyle etc., forcing me to work nights and weekends, blaming me for things which were not my fault, general intimidation, not allowing time off for sick leave. When I stood up for myself I was fired - I was shouted at and abused, and then given my notice with a curt letter blaming my lack of ability, after everyone else in the practice knew.

It caused a serious psychological injury which affects my ability to work in my profession even to this day, five years on. They knew exactly what they were doing and exactly how to get to me, since they had once been there themselves. Now if I want to go back I will have to do reentry - how humiliating when I used to be at the top of my game.

You are 100% right that is a great explanation.

Point is, we don't leave this behind after school, it goes on but the hallmark of adult bullying is talking behind the back and convincing others it is true which some can do well, and ignoring you.

Anyone that is reading this don't let the bullies get you down, it is hard I got rid of one today who I thought I loved but that person was for five years bullying me. But you all deserve better.

Way to go. Block them, don't go to the site and get out of your brain that their view is important.

It takes practice I am have villified online and it erodes self-esteem but leaving sites when I am tired of them and not going back to read is great.