Anyone here over 40 and single?

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Okay, some of this I agree with, but it is all perception (that it is one-sided, though the labeling makes it seem that way). Men get clingy, too, sometimes.

That's why you sit at the bar. It's also good for avoiding families as well.

Nice to meet you. I love alternative and folk music too. And I can't skate either.

I am not single, unfortunately, but I'm afraid soon I might have to be. I think I've finally learned my lesson. No more men. All they do is engulf and devour--at least the ones I've become entangled with.

I've been single eight years,I was married twenty years and I'm 48,I've been on one date and that was a disaster.I don't know if I could deal with another person plus you get their family also.It would also be hard for someone to adapt to me,I'm pretty inflexible about a lot of things.It would be nice to share special interests but not 24/7 and I don't remember anything about primate mating rituals.

I don't care to.
This thread and a lifetime of personal experience.

Yep. I'm 52 and never married, no kids. I've been in a few relationships -- a 4-year, a 15-year and a 2-year. The first one was my first real boyfriend, and the other two were both with married men, one of whom was a friend of a friend and the other a co-worker. In all cases, it wasn't a dating relationship that moved to something more. All three men were friends of mine that progressed to something more. In every case, the men pursued me, not me them. If it had been up to me to start a relationship with a man, I would never have had one.

I'm told that men flirt with me all the time, but I don't pick up on it. I'm told that I put up a wall of some sort between me and men. I guess if a man is willing to break through that wall, he might just be worth having. I tend to fall for men that are inaccessible, or nearly so -- hence the married ones. I wonder whether that is sort of a defense mechanism for me -- if he's married he won't ask me to marry him and won't be around all the time, so I can have my alone time. It's also a case of married men being big flirts, and I just happen to taken them seriously.

These days, I have an online relationship with a man in NY State (I'm in Texas). We are talking seriously about getting together, and I hope it happens. But at the same time, I'm concerned that I'm too set in my ways now to accept another person into my life, especially something as permanent and close as marriage. Don't know if I can handle someone around ALL the time -- being in my space, touching my stuff, keeping me from my alone time. One saving grace is that I suspect he may be ASPie as well, so he may get all that and give me my space so he can have his.

Well, if it reassures you any, I am in my fifties, and am engaged to an Aspie. We both crave our solitude, so we bought a house which is designed so that his "man cave" is at the rear of the house, and my office is near the front. I can't even hear him unless he comes to my office door. I get lots of down time when he is at work, too, and I try to leave him alone a couple of hours on weekends so that he can regroup. Maybe if you and this new guy get together, you can do something like that? I have never been married before, and it took a very special guy to make me want to marry. I think that the fact that we both crave solitude makes it all bearable. If he had been an extrovert who is always in my face, and dragging me to all kinds of social events, it wouldn't have worked. He hates socializing as much as I do. We occasionally go to an Aspie support group together, or have lunch with friends. Once in a while he attends a high school reunion type thing, and I go along but am always glad to get home. I hope you find this person to be compatible with your needs, too!

I just turned 55 and never had a LTR but I would sure like to find a nice compatible woman over 40! Preferably without any kids. I'm in the southeast corner of Alabama, USA. Seems like 90% of the posts in here are from the under 30 crowd. You can see my profile on page 193 of the Eligible Odd Bods list (under Love & Dating). I was about to start a thread but decided to search first.

Last edited by ALguy1957 on 10 Oct 2012, 3:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

This sounds an awful lot like, "Screw my wedding vows - if I don't feel satisfied 100% of the time, I'll go get it from some other man whenever I want. It's all about ME, baby!"

Some things mean more than self-fulfillment.

... I really hope that's not the angle you were going for.


Me? I'm getting very, very close to 40 and getting close to "ready" to start over again.

I got divorced at 35 and spent 4 years alone. Then 2 weeks after my 40th birthday i met a woman on OKCupid who I am engaged to now. She is really something.

No, it isn't. That statement sounds kind of harsh. I am certainly not advocating that a married person should take such a cavalier attitude towards their marriage! What I meant to say was that a person shouldn't marry unless they are sure that their needs are going to be met at least 75% of the time. And if they are already married, they should give every effort to work things out. These are things that I learned after being in relationships where maybe one or two of my needs got met on a few memorable occasions. One guy was even violent when I asked him to spend more time with me and not spend every single night at the nearest bar. Also, in a healthy relationship (like the one I have now,) I hardly ever have to ask. My husband enjoys doing things for me, and I reciprocate as much as I can. There is nothing wrong with seeking self fulfillment; it just shouldn't be at the expense of someone else.

Yup. Never was great at socializing...

Had a couple of LTRs, both failed. One was undeniably due to my inability to confront and cope with symptoms of BPD and depression complicated by ASD... and the other was my g/fs inability to cope with it, as hard as I tried to do good on what happened years earlier. After that was a long dry spell as I began to withdraw...

Always kept only a handful of friends I seemed to connect with more meaningfully, and it's most likely many of them are high-functioning Aspies as well, as likes do attract. Don't seem to get along with NTs very well without a lot of compensating behaviors, and that exhausts me.

Have had bisexual relationships in the past, but none LTRs, those have always been women. LTRs with men historically for me haven't worked out. Doesn't really matter since avoidant behaviors keep me from enjoying socializing, male or female... which I'd like to work on, with professional guidance, going forward.

THANK you!! A lot of people may say that, but few people seem to DO it. It's childlike but standard human behaviour to put one's self first... only maturity and caring about someone else that will cause someone to fulfill their partner's needs as well (or even first!)

I'm glad you agree! Nowadays the norm is to be selfish, and healthy self regard is often confused with this.

Yes, 41 and single.

Single since 2006 by choice right now.

I can't help but laugh at myself when I think of all the men I've dated with whom I thought I had a relationship but found out I didn't. I'm thankful to some of these men because they told me directly that there was something going on with me they couldn't understand. It was a bit painful at the time, but I realize they were trying to help me. But some of these men were A-1 certified jerks, though, and I'm putting it nicely. My new term for such people is users, abusers, and kooks. (Oh my!)

Now that I understand my Aspergers a bit, I can see why I've always had so much trouble with relationships. I don't understand what to do or why I always do something wrong or why I'm being treated the way I am. It actually helps me to know it's just Aspie cluelessness, which I think is a good trait because we have a way of approaching life without knowing all the answers. We are constantly fresh to the world.

I did get married to a man, since departed, who accepted me the way I am. Sure, he wasn't always clear as to why I was so sensitive or naive, but he loved me and accepted me nonetheless. It was hard being married, though, because he happened to be an alcoholic. He had a generous and loving heart, but alcohol made him unpredictable, cranky, and sometimes downright mean. He wasn't physically abusive, but I couldn't handle the marriage very well. What I do appreciate is that he had my back, no matter what. He was a huge family man and his family considers me family, which I like.

A few years ago I decided to stay away from relationships because they are so confusing. This latest realization was prompted by having dated a man who is the second biggest jerk I ever dated. He surpasses the jerk who only pretended to like me to have a place to live--otherwise he'd have been homeless. The first biggest is a guy who hauled off and punched me in the eye. I called the cops but they did nothing, and I never saw him after that.

Anyway, the second biggest jerk was so messed up he played mean "pranks" on his best friend, who was very naive and may well have been an Aspie, come to think of it. The jerk would compare me to famous people he considered ugly as if he were paying me a compliment. He made fun of me in the middle of romantic moments. He'd also pretend to not know something just so he could get me confused enough to start stuttering. This jerk ended up egging my truck for months on end after I stopped seeing him. It was really unnerving because I considered it an act of aggression. As you can see, his immaturity level was so low we'd have to go into negative years to see where he's at.

Finally, after this experience, I decided I had not one clue about relationships and it was just better to stay out of them.

Today, I'm not closed to a relationship, but I'm not particularly looking for one, either. If something were to happen, I'd have to have a wait and see approach. I don't have a blanket stereotype about men. I take people one at a time, and I work to not let my past experiences infect present ones. So, for example, I don't believe that all men are immature, abusive, alcoholic, users. I think that the particular men I was involved with were those things.

Some people are jerks and some people are amazingly wonderful. I seek to have friendships with the latter at this point. I'd expect to seek the same from a romantic relationship.