How long till you're found different?

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I hate iPad...I typed my post then I opened a new tab to check something and when I came back, the page reloaded automatically and erased the whole thing. Grrrrrrr

So long story short, it seems to take about 10 min for others to find me different. Shorter if I had to speak.

I appear different immediately, because when I meet someone new, my brrrainzzz are so occupied with processing their newness that I have less brrrainzzz left to talk normal or look normal or act normal. Then, as I get used to them over time, my brrrainzzz doesn't spend all its brrrainzzz points on processing their newness all the time, so I have moar moar moar brrrainzzz for other things. By this time, I have already been found out as different, so there is no reason for me to fake anything anymoar, so I just act like my normal self, and I continue to be different, but a moar moar moar high-functioning kind of different, with bester talking over time.

I've always been very articulate, and people tend to see my strengths before they see my faults... and I am also way harder on myself than anyone is on me. Case in point: I had a really bad day yesterday because of a particular personality at work with whom I have many disagreements. Though she is not my direct supervisor, or even indirectly my supervisor, she tries to tell me how to do my job, in front of MY clients. Yesterday, she did that, and I went straight to my supervisor. I apologized to my supervisor today for my behavior yesterday, as I felt embarrassed for losing control of my emotions like that. But my supervisor was cool with it; she didn't even think I owed her an apology.

I am very guarded at work because I work in mental health, with the child/adolescent ASD population. I don't want people (parents, coworkers, etc) to think of me as "being like" my clients. I find that some people, even in my profession, who should know better, shift to thinking of you as "like a client" if they know you have AS. I think most of my coworkers who don't "know" probably figure there's a reason I relate to that population so well, but don't give it much thought unless I specifically tell them that I have Asperger's myself. At this point in my life, I've worked very hard on controlling my own behavior and I can pretty much "pass." Most people probably think I'm just a little moody and probably one of the smarter people in any given room, but in my experience, that's not enough for them to put 2 and 2 together and figure it out. I have told people I work with who I am particularly close to, or in one case to someone I wasn't that close too but with whom I was working with on a difficult case, because I had also shared that fact about myself with the client (most of my clients are on the Spectrum). In that particular case, it was need-to-know information. People respect confidentiality in the healthcare professions, so I'm not too worried about loose talk... but I am still very, very guarded about my condition.

I also realize that I have spent a long time not just practicing neurotypical behavior, but also developing a finely honed sense of clinical detachment. I'm also much better at "reading" people than I used to be... I think I am even better at it now than some neurotypicals, but that is because of practice and hard work. It did not come naturally to me, it was something I spent a lot of time and effort to learn.

I like to joke that "I owe Machiavelli a book or two."

I have hinted to my supervisor at it; a few weeks ago when I was depressed and took off work to get myself right again, I basically told her "empathy is a two edged sword" and "there's a reason I'm good at relating to the ASD population." I've told a few people from my old job, and one guidance counselor who I worked with closely on another very difficult case (this guidance counselor being a school district employee, not an employee of my organization, who had a very close relationship with my client). I've occasionally shared my memories of a similar experience with certain clients who are intelligent or mature enough to handle that information, and it would be unethical for me to ask them to keep it a secret; I would only do this in a case where I could reasonably trust my client's judgment, and only in an age appropriate manner ("I used to be very much like you" rather than "I, too, have Asperger's and I know what it's like." in certain cases because the latter conversation would not have been age-appropriate). However, when appropriate, I do openly discuss it with them, and even in some rare cases, with their families... but this is rare indeed because the client, not myself, must be the focus of treatment.

So I think to most people, I appear as very smart but pretty eccentric and probably not the most socially outgoing person... though my coworkers know they can always rely on me to be a team player, and they respect that I don't like to discuss my personal life at work and the times I make exceptions to that rule are when I have a very close, trusting relationship with a coworker. I also know that some of my coworkers are envious of the empathy I have developed as a result of having life experiences so similar to that of my clients.

I've been there nearly a year without a nervous breakdown; I feel appreciated and respected, not underutilized like I felt at my old job (an Autistic Support therapeutic afterschool program). That makes me, for the most part, a pretty low-maintenance employee, with a profile only as high as my skills are recognized.

I only share this information with clients if I think it will help the client to understand himself better and make more appropriate, positive choices, or at least inspire them to try to overcome their challenges. This is why I love when I get kids with Asperger's on my case load... they are all very unique, precious individuals, and I'm almost always able to establish a positive rapport with them very quickly. Forgive my presumptuous, but I think this is what makes me so good at this job, at least compared to my neurotypical coworkers.

I am one of those people who looks normal. Then when they see me make inappropriate comments or don't do what's expected of me by this age, then people who I appeared to be clicking with me before tend to seem turned off.

I will say hi to them and they will go, "Hello..." Then they will continue to ignore me.

This has been the case on most jobs where I am allowed to do most duties like everyone else for a while, then when they find out that I messed up once, then I usually end up doing the easier tasks like cleaning.

People seem to be able to spot it immediately. None of my family or friends have been able to see it or tell me what is weird about me, but strangers see it straightaway.

Yes I know what you mean. For example I have had job interviews and dates, one on one conversations, that have gone well. Only after a few days or even weeks at the job does the interviewer notice that the normal "non interview ready" me is so much quieter and isolated from new colleagues.

I have also occasionally met people that become close friends. At first they don't see anything because we are talking together one on one, or on the phone, but after sometime, and starting to go to social events together, they begin to see it.

On the other hand, if someone meets me for the first time in a big group, or maybe just on a bad day when I am not mentally prepared for it, they will see instantly.

i am not sure how long it takes for people to see i am different. i think that people would have no idea that i was different if they did not interact with me, but i think they rapidly become awkward when they interact with me because conversation with me is very difficult, and much of the time, it is not possible to communicate with me.

i do not think anyone thinks i have a mental problem, but i do think they think i am very eccentric and cold and abrupt among other things.
i do not continue conversations with people unless i am asked questions, and then my answers will be sterile in the manner that one may answer questions from a judge.

i can not be spontaneous in my interactions with people. if i enter a social situation (which i only do by mistake) then i am like an ocean liner that enters a harbor who is greeted by darting watercraft who surround me and expect me to "play" with them or maneuver around them in a rapidly handled way, when in fact it takes me miles to come to a halt, and some of them get crushed by the momentum of my pre-decided intentions. my turning circle is miles compared to the 50 feet that the pleasure craft take. (i am not alluding to the size of me compared to them, only to my lack of maneuverability).

it is hard to explain so i will give an example.

i first moved to this area 7 months ago, and i started to frequent my local service station for grocery supplies. there was (still is) a girl there who, after noticing that i had become a regular, was very friendly to me as i approached the counter one day. i had only a one track mind that i was executing during my presence in the shop (as i always do), and so the momentum of what i had planned to do was far too great for me to change my intended discourse, and i think i seemed rude.

i arrived at the counter with my products, and..

her: hi there!! how are you? you a local now hey?
me: yes i got a house nearby.
her: what do you think of the area so far?
me: good. just those please.
her: no worries. (she seemed somewhat deflated by my reply)

she gave me the change and...

her: yeahhh...i love this area. i moved here 2 years ago.
me: excellent. thankyou. (and then i walked out.)

i think she felt maybe embarrassed that she gambled her friendship on someone who just barged through the interaction with no appreciation whatsoever for her extension of friendship. i felt a bit bad about that when i thought about it later, and the next time i went to the service station she treated me like a stranger, and has ever since.

i do not think she questions my mind because i talk in a sober and efficient way, but i think she just thinks i am not a nice person, and she may think i am rude.

i think a large part of my problem with AS is the extreme momentum of my predefined intentions.

As some people have already said, it depends if the situation is planned and focused, such as a work meeting. In that situation I can plan for it and I will usually be ok. If it's a social thing where people are put into a room to 'socialise' (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! !) it's pretty obvious.

@b9, I also do this. I believe it's related to the planned (the momentum you talk about) vs. unplanned situation. For example, I'm planning to put the items on the counter in the correct order, wait to give money at the right time (which I prepared), but instead I am asked a question! What is this madness!! I freeze and emit a worthless response that portrays me an antisocial dick head. Good job, that was close!

I sort of solved this by planning responses to situations that can arise. I know this is a dodgy workaround, but I don't do improv.

I have terrible body (mostly face) language that makes people avoid me, so I'm trying to work on that right now. Most people realise I'm a bit different eventually, but I have strengths many do not, so it balances out.

It depends on the situation . . . the less I talk the less obvious my differences are. I think people usually realize once I've had a conversation with them. I don't make any effort to be other than myself anymore though; things are much less stressful that way. I get funny looks sometimes, but that's okay.

Initially I make good impressions upon people. Before my diagnosis, four months ago, I was always puzzled that I could never maintain this initial goodwill. It seems to take a little longer for others to identify me as different, a month or more, but they eventually always do. It is such a relief to finally understand why this script has replayed everywhere I went my entire life.

How long till I'm found "different"?

About long enough to say, "Hello".

@b9 - I totally know what you mean about momentum. Or as Shyengineer says the planned vs unplanned things.

I went on a date this evening. It went OK, not fantastic but OK. But I was kindof relieved when we said goodbye to take our different trains home though. Not because the lady was not nice or unkind or anything. I had just over reached my limit of forcing myself to be sociable and after about 3 hours it was mentally wearing me out. I guess she might have started to pick up on it.

So anyway, it made me realise something, an average job interview for example is maybe 1 hour to 2 hours, and is much more structured and planned in many ways. So people are less likely to notice me being different during this time. If it does not go on too long the job interview is actually less stressful than the date !

Well, I can see I'm on the "it depends" train. If I'm mid-stress, it can take seconds. If I feel low stress, it can take anywhere from minutes to days.

The outcome is pretty predictable, though. Most often, rejectors are just not really good people. Tolerators are a bit better. I like open-minded people best, people who can see my difference as an asset.

People who can get past my quirkiness might be keepers. Then I have to find out if I can manage to be around them without getting overwhelmed. Then it's a matter of figuring out if I can trust them. Apparently most people do not make it into the inner sanctum of trust, but I do have two friends I know I can trust with anything. I feel very grateful for this.

I've finally learned that people who can't get past my quirkiness are not friends and are therefore not worth my time. Along with this realization is that people at work are not my friends either, no matter how much they seem to act that way. I have made friends at work, but they are not in the inner sanctum of trust. I trust them for work-related issues, but I cannot count on them the way I can count on my two friends (such as phone calls mid-crisis; perseverative hammering out of issues; misunderstadning social aspects of things; not getting jokes; making jokes no one else gets but they love anyway, etc.)

Most people have me pegged as a non-responder more or less on sight. They make allowances for me for a little longer, but that runs out fast.

I have known i was different since early childhood but it wasnt until the last few years that I got a good handle on what is happening,, I used to think it was all up bringing,, but after researching aspergers and getting scores that indicate Im proably on the spectrum Im starting to understand just how different I appear to be at times.

I only have people notice any differences when it comes to crowds/large social gatherings or noise. Depending on how comfortable I am with them, I'll either explain why I'm uncomfortable or I'll just excuse myself, saying briefly that I don't like crowds (many people don't), and take a break from the crowd or if I'm at a movie theater, I'll put in earplugs and just mention that my ears are sensitive (I've found this is a great way to survive otherwise intolerable volume levels). Some people will understand and/or at least not ask any questions. Others will ask you to explain yourself and depending on how well I know the person, I'll explain more or less. I find that if I don't know someone and all telling them would potentially accomplish is making both of us uncomfortable, I'll just be honest and brief and go on about my business.

Unfortunately, in my personal life, I've had people closer to me who were less understanding. My father was awful to me about my symptoms...cruel and verbally abusive. I also had an ex-girlfriend who, when she found out about the specific diagnosis, seemed to use it as a target for her judgments about me. In both cases, these are people who were cruel to begin and attempting to use my diagnosis to hurt me was just an exercise of the cruelty that already existed in them.

I've sometimes feel bad that my being different seems to bring out intolerance in others, but I've realized over a long time and a lot of learning experiences, that they just were cruel/nasty/intolerant people to begin with and though it's unfortunate that there are so many of them (it really does happen too often), I'm lucky to see this is how they are now rather than getting close to them only to learn later after investing time and effort that it was never worth it to begin with.

I know how you feel in that it's hard being judged. It always happens too often and when it does, it hurts and it's so unnecessary, but keep in mind that anyone worth being close to you will think you're great for who you are and won't see you being different as a fault, they'll see it as beautiful diversity that they're happy to have in their lives.