Petrified about referral for diagnosis

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My psychiatrist referred me for a psycho-neuro evaluation. I told him what was going on with me in a short email. He did not even ask questions. Just referred me. It is all in the Kaiser system. I know this eval is very expensive and he would not casually refer anyone out of curiosity.

I am in mental turmoil about this. Really shaken up. I am afraid of either a positive, or a negative.

If positive I can give up hope that maybe someday before I did there will be a pill to make me feel unbroken.

If negative then I don't have an answer. My self-diagnosis has started a dangerous course of events I can't stop. I have confided in a few people that I am self-diagnosed with aspergers. One important one I did not use the prefix "self-". My disclosure includes 2 therapist friends who think I have assessed this correctly. There would be so many wrongs I will now have to right. How?? And there is still no answers to the long suppressed questions about the perceived defects in my basic nature.

As I write this I don't even know what the f**k this is all about. I actually cannot remember the details of what asp is all about. I just remember the scores: 35, 36, 36, 40. And the heart connections I felt reading aspie stories here and there.

No more. Have to do something mindless now.

It sounds like you've had a real shock. I wouldn't worry about the self-diagnosed vs doc-diagnosed thing. Many people with this self-diagnose themselves. So long as you have a reasonable amount of self-awareness, it's easy enough to figure out, I think. I like that - sure I'm weird, but at least I KNOW I'm weird. Many NTs go through life completely unaware of their quirks, living an unexamined life. It's one aspect of life we Aspies are often quite mature about. Though not always, of course.

I'm not diagnosed, though I hope to get a diagnosis in the next year or two. When I can afford it. However, both my sons have been diagnosed through the public system (it doesn't do adults), and by the time it happened, I was expecting it because of what I knew about AS and autism. I was afraid of the diagnosis for my eldest, at first. I thought it was a terrible thing to be told. Then I realised it was only a label. It didn't change him, and I like him anyway! The only thing it did was give me a pattern that finally fit him. When I knew what that was, it meant I understood better why he was awkward on certain things, that he wasn't being a nuisance on purpose. I could also look at tried and tested solutions that had worked on other Aspies, and that eliminated quite a few problems. When I recognised that I had the same traits, it meant I could use similar solutions on me. No, there wasn't a pill, but there ARE strategies to make life easier, and people on the spectrum have glorious strengths too, you know! When you stop fighting your basic nature, you may find the good points about who you are. Read around this forum and see how many people say they'd never change their Aspie-ness, even if they could.

Relax a bit. Tell your friends that self-diagnosis is a norm in ASDs, and that the doc is just confirming what you know. Or don't tell them when the official word comes and let them think you got your diagnosis when you first said it. And if you're correct, and the doc confirms it, then look very closely at the detail in the diagnosis, research the thing a bit, and find way of working with, and around your true nature. You may find some really good things about yourself, and you definitely should find ways of easing some of your current troubles.

Thank you for your feedback. I KNOW I am being nuts about this and am not stopping, as though I could command STOP and obey. I stumbled on this dx less than 2 weeks ago. I took the 50 ? test and had a true WTF? moment. Read more. Did every test I could find. Fit fit fit. There was elation in finding some understanding. Long buried memories surfaced and made sense. I felt forgiveness to my past selves.

Now, days later, I question everything. Doubts abound. The long suppressed memories are alive again. And doubt. If this ain't it? I have told a few people this is going on. I already feel humiliation about such an error.

Madness.

I was initially very scared about my referral too (which was two years before I actually got diagnosed!). It helped me to think through in detail what the consequences would be of a positive result and also of a negative result. I worked out what I would do in each case and how I would feel. Thinking through all possibilities helps to get rid of my anxiety.

Regarding the people you have told that you have Asperger's, you probably don't need to say anything more about it. The assessment is your affair and you don't need to tell them the result. And what you've told them isn't really dishonesty if you really feel like you have it. I've always known I had AS, loooong before my diagnosis.

I think you need to trust your feelings more. You felt it was a good fit for you, and it probably is. The doc might say it's mild, or that it's PDD-NOS, but it doesn't sound to me like you'll be told it's all in your head. I think it's very unlikely that you would have to go to your friends and say it isn't ASD after all.

kvinneakt - I was petrified about the process as well. How did I deal with this? By being prepared. I simply documented as much as I could. I ended up providing the Psychologist with 50+ pages of text, describing me (online test scores, therapy history, anxieties, ocd traits, social interaction difficulties, sensory difficulties, motor difficulties, work difficulties, special interests, stims, rituals/routines, etc.).

I suggested a number of "conditions" (to the Psychologist) that I wanted to be evaluated for including: Extreme Introversion, Shyness, Aspergers, Nonverbal Learning Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Avoidant, Schizoid, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. As there is an overlap in terms of commonalities of behavioral symptoms.

I was nervous going in to the evaluation. I was nervous while awaiting results. I was wondering if it wasn’t Aspergers, then what? Minimally, I am glad my search is over.

I was scared s**tless too.
I was impossible for me to find a psychiatrist that specializes in Asperger's in adults who at the same time was associated with the social security system, so I settled with someone who knew a bit about it. Since I am female, 43 and highly intelligent I was afraid my compensatory mechanisms would fool the psychiatrist. So I wrote close to 30 pages (although I really, really made an effort to make it brief, ahem!).
I was worried if he would say that I didn't have it after all and/or that he would think there was something else wrong with me and that I should get medicated. Fortunately, after two sessions I had my diagnosis - and I didn't even have to get argumentative He didn't pull out the prescription pad either.

Now, I can see that I worried way too much (but I wouldn't risk being taken by surprise).
The diagnosis is a tremendous relief! Finally, I am not lazy, spoiled or suffering from a lack of discipline. Actually, I can't help it - I have autism. Not that I expect people in general to be more understanding or forgiving. Rather, they will probably accuse me of faking it, because I appear too normal at first sight (they really should see me at home, ha!). But now I can see why things have not worked out for me the way I expected, and I am now hitting myself over the head much less than I used to.
But yes, you can't become 'unbroken' or get 'cured', but at least you can get a realistic view on what you can and cannot do and navigate accordingly. I think this is very important. You can try to avoid situations you know you handle badly, instead of trying to 'pull yourself together' because 'everyone can do that and so should I' etc.
You should focus on things you are good at, and with a diagnosis you will be having a good 'excuse' to try to avoid tasks and situations where you have a certified neurological disadvantage .

If I could video myself when I can't stop stimming there would be no questions.

I was afraid that I would have to struggle to get my diagnosis, because I am a good actress who has built a database of comments to use during the dreaded small-talk situations etc.
But I got my diagnosis right away - and I don't even stim heavily. I just twirl my hair, click my nails and stuff like that - none of which I did during the interview (that would have required multitasking skills, hehe).

So try not to worry too much. You got referred no questions asked, so perhaps the test is just a formality.