help, please

Post Reply New Topic

You have a whole community of people who are concerned and want to help any way they can. That's more than most folks could hope for. You can do this, just breath

you guys are lifesavers, you really are. if i didn't have WP i don't know what i'd do.

thank you.

i'll keep you posted. wife gets home soon.

i just feel sad. i want so badly to integrate. it seems it's beyond me. i give and give and try so hard to be a good person and i am forgiving beyond belief because i've done so many things like this that didn't really hurt anyone but made them unhappy or angry or disappointed or whatever. i just am disappointed in myself and disappointed in these people who espouse to be Good Christians but still are so ready to judge and throw my life away like i'm worthless.

NTs help each other grow up and face their fears by daring each other, and by bullying each other, tormenting someone who dislikes worms with handfulls of them until they are acclimatized and achieve reactions within the normal range expected of an all-purpose companion. It is a blunt tool, but effective enough that it can sometimes be almost the only one they have. If it does not work - someone remains afraid of the dark, or motorcycles, or whatever, they seem like an alien species, not really subject to human rights.
Fortunately, people are getting used to accommodating others with food allergies and other special needs, so you might get included as someone with a short endurance in social situations, and prone to getting extremely tired and cranky long before most people.

this makes sense in light of what i've observed over the years. to me it was just painful teasing and borderline abuse, but i am willing to consider there was some primitive positive socialization going on that i just missed, especially since i'm so clearly NOT socialized properly now (and not for lack of trying).

i tried the "face your fears" approach for many years before finally just giving up.

i do think it was a mistake for me not to have my own car there, which was a result of a complete lack of planning, let alone poor planning. i tried to be spontaneous; i tried to be "normal." this pretty much always ends disasterously so why i try to do it, i don't know. i just hate being the "rigid" one who has to have her own way with some things.

at any rate i am prepared to apologize but have also been advised by multiple people to just pretend nothing happened unless it is brought up. and Wife and Husband seemed fine with that last night. A little less discouraged and depressed today. I can definitely offer a sincere apology - i really had no intention to create worry or anger in anyone and feel badly that's how it's turned out. on the other hand (and i will keep to myself) i do think the poster who observed, why WAS there a big fuss and a manhunt? i am after all a 48 year old adult, not an eight year old child who needs to worry about being kidnapped.

after some consideration of the social dynamics i observed there (and which were burning me out) the "hostess" of the event who was being very rude to me from the beginning, and who was very loud and obnoxious and domineering, was probably the driving force. i suspect she is a drama queen - well i know it from other sources. at any rate i am no longer welcome at her house, which is small loss to me, i never want to go back there anyway! i couldn't stand her!

feeling really low today. mostly just physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted. i programmed a couple of suicide hotlines into my phone just in case this takes a dip. no, i'm not in any imminent danger. i've been dealing with these thoughts for decades. i have recently found hotlines can be helpful though so i'm doing what i need to do to take care of myself. if the thoughts gets any more intense i will call one. i wouldn't post it here either if i was remotely seriously about it. please no pep talks, they tend to have the reverse effect. i just feel like every time things get a little better i do something to make them ten times worse. if i can make it there weeks here i get my disability check and can leave for somewhere, pueblo or st louis (cheaper, bigger cities) or just head to the east coast. there was some work on my truck i was really hoping the Husband here would help me with but i'm not hopeful about that anymore given all that's happened the last few days. my surroundings no longer feel peaceful or serene, just another trap. although i have a vehicle to escape in, i have no money for gas yet.

One reason it is often hard to know what's going on is that fairly often, a situation is mostly about someone else, with you as an unwitting stand-in. If a mother is not satisfied with the way her children left home, she may invite surrogate children and then find fault with them, in order to play the part of the one who does the rejecting, rather than being rejected. This is not a conscious plot. She is "only trying to help."

Wherever there is an imbalance of power, as in renting space or keeping a job, you may be dealing with a bad parent trying to re-do some mistakes. Trying to "fit in" makes us vulnerable to getting used that way. These games of make-believe only need a few points of similarity to anchor the imagination and make you seem "just like" some other, very different person. As aspies, we are hard to know, and very different from even each other, so we will always be seen as similar to other, better known characters as the closest guess.

People are also conflicted internally, making their behaviour at odds with their words or otherwise inconsistent.

wise words indeed.

well i guess NTs are good at pretending nothing happened, because that appears to be exactly what's happening. she did invite me on a rather long trip to "town" (vegas) to pick up some necessities and maybe she wanted to talk about things then but i'm just not ready for three or four hours alone with her, plus having no escape route (again).

she told me it was okay to ride the horse, which i think is a good sign.

i've been working my butt off cleaning the kitchen, cooking dinner, mucking out the horses stall, even helping install a fence in the back.

frankly i feel like i've made myself almost too useful to be "fired" although now i feel more like an indentured servant than a hanger-on.

anyway back to season 4 of Supernatural (for the 2nd time around). thank god they've got wireless internet and my laptop is still clunking along.

There are some people who I usually ignore unless they have been saying the same kind of stuff in different moods, on successive days. I guess they have frequent morning - after "What was I Thinking??" moments, if they have any recall at all.

When you have to claim the space you need, or otherwise spoil whatever illusion someone had about you, a new identity has to emerge. Perhaps you have moved from "family" to "help" status, maybe not. When people stop drinking socially, they usually need a whole new set of friends. Try to find a replacement for that sharing time in the car to give her a chance to talk without having you trapped.

good idea and i will try to find some no-pressure "hang out" time with her around the house or locally.

one of their neighbors dropped by today, someone i happen to know they hold in high regard, and i had a really good conversation with her on the porch, got an open invitation to drop by anytime. so hopefully that will get back to her or her husband. it's really only this one person/couple who has developed a righteous hateful attitude toward me.

quite honestly i'm thinking about going to the local church, not because i'm christian but because i think it would behoove me to be "seen" and become a known quantity. and it's short enough that i can tolerate the exposure. i would have gone yesterday but i was really too wiped from the whole night before.

may have found a jeep lover who will fix entire jeep (including small issues) in exchange for parts and beer (not sex). more will be revealed. feel like time is running short.

well apparently the "little" things i was doing weren't enough and i have now entered three weeks of indentured servitude because "noone doesn't work around here."

tonight or tomorrow i'm getting the SUV ready to live in. probably have to stick this out until i get my check because i've got no way to buy food or put gas in the tank until then.

Ahh, Recognition at last. (If you can keep the score sheet honest.) At least, there's some rules to refer to.

ah, well, more is revealed. truth be told, i let my ex know where i was (yes, my stupidity and emotional need) and he showed up and insinuated himself into the good will of the people who live here. now he is not only telling them falsehoods about me behind my back, but is holding my truck keys hostage so he can work (using my jeep). i could, i guess, force the issue, but it would mean me moving into the jeep with no gas money and no place to go. so i'm considering letting it ride for the two weeks it will take until i get my check and can leave free and clear. i'm pretty sure he will give up the keys then, or, i can get the law involved (the jeep is after all in my name). if i start all that up now the drama will likely cost me a warm bed and hot shower and something to eat.

it's so painful and sad to me, i'm almost numb. i feel so stupid. i let a moment of loneliness be my weakness and now i pay the price.

You do not have to pay the price for this particular screw up forever, or even for very long. How does this yahoo have your jeep? Is he staying with 'the nice Christian family" now too? What the heck is going on?.

When I am going through a huge crisis, I often reach a point where I am incapable of seeing positive options. It's only later, either when the crisis has passed, or has evolved into a class one catastrophe, that I can perceive that there were options.

Can you see what some of your options are? Are you currently capable of accurately measuring their potential effect? would you like input from others, while being able to accept that there are nice clueless people who will recommend that you simply pull out your Visa or Master Charge, rent out a mini McMansion, and emotionally recuperate there while planning the rest of your life?[honest, their intentions are good. they are simply clueless]

What could help you? You are truly cared about here. And you are not as stuck as it feels like you are. You don't need that guy, And you do not need to take your own life. And you can be open here about your needs. Maybe together, WP members who care can provide it

Call the cops and press charges of grand theft auto against that twerp. Maybe a couple years locked up in Lovelock Prison with O.J. and the rest of the tough guys will teach him what it's like to be on the receiving end of a screwing.