The unique, non-social weirdo...

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Just fact-stating. Nothing written in-between the lines.

At almost 55 years (diagnosed 12 March 2013) having spent my life undiagnosed, forced by my view of circumstance to regard myself as the unique, non-social weirdo that nobody wants to spend any time with... i don't know what to do with Life or "my" life.
i am just another basket case on disability.
Everyone seems to like me, the other renters on this house, the other church-goers.
My pilot died (my late Mom) on 12 July 2010 at 12:42pm.
i'm on auto-pilot it seems.
As an undiagnosed aspie i clung to growing up in a "bubble" of family life, which has now completely collapsed, and i am left alone encased in what's left of that bubble. Kept alive by charity. Kept living by, habit.

i am recovering from long-term depression, still have social anxiety disorder big time and agoraphobia... and aspiness.
If my psych and i hadn't agreed that joining a church would be safe social exercise for me, i would be dead.
i have gone for this church hook, line, and sinker, and willingly too -- they do not mind if i choose to stay away.
It's all up to me how well i follow their Truth. They witness to those who come to hear, they don't preach. Everything they do is for free if you want to read/see it. They've witnessed to every country in the world, and me.
They fit me like a glove.
They are not the problem. i still am.

Sis gave me social anx and depression traumatizing me from my age zero to 27, and i let everything fester the rest of the time.

Then they let this guy into the church (a histrionic narcissist) who chose to give only lucky me public and private insults, put-downs and embarrassments for two years while i turned the other cheek. Now two years after that i find he has initiated this bloody complex in me about getting places on my own -- by public transit which i've taken all my life.
i can now only walk the neighbourhood. How long will that last.
If a cab paid by Disability picks me up to take me where i need to go, i can do whatever i can and bus it home as always.
If i have to bus it out of my area to someplace... i can't do it.
i want to go out, i just don't want to!

You're a caring person if you are still reading this.

The narcissist is no longer histrionic or a bully, and is being worked out of his narcissism. The church and i did well with him. i wish we did well with me.
i was fine when i "signed up." Baptized and everything.
Then this complex of my emotional disorder formed, and i can barely make it to church.
Church -- once the only positive social experience in my life, is now a social house of horrors.
Reading, writing, listening, computer, internet, keeping myself busy all day every day, indoors. The perfect hermit.

Have no idea what to do with people. i can talk with one, just not for long. Then the silence is terrible.
Hmm... guess you aspies know that.

Any idea is a help, however small or however cutting. i'm desperate.
Thank you for your time. edaspie

You should contact the pastor and ask him to come see you at your house. He might have some ideas.

You said that if a cab picks you up at your house, you are able to get out. Would you be comfortable if someone you trusted from the church came and picked you up?

It sounds like you are in a very caring church. I am sure that there are people who will be willing to help you out in various ways.

Please forgive me, I know this is going to sound kind of rough.

But have you considered trying to take public transportation again? Perhaps with a friend a first, so you could feel safe? If I knew you, I would help you in this.

You know the source of your phobia--that narcissist guy! Don't let him get the victory!! !! !

I've read about something called "implosion therapy" which is supposed to be good for phobias.

Ed, would it help at all to re-map your notion of "my area"? Like if a friend from the church will take you around an adjacent area, so that it becomes a bit familiar, can you think of it also as your area? If nothing else, this might help expand the area where you feel free to go by public transit.

Yes, choosing a church has been a very rewarding experience, no matter what the media hates about churches.
There is ONE member, George, who has not given up on me through all these years.
He has called me today with an earnest talk, which only someone who cares could have delivered.
Our new minister is sadly not in the least understanding of emotional (mental/psychological) issues.
It helps so much to think that one single person in this wrong planet does not understand aspiness, but still earnestly cares about THIS one person. No matter if he were to start disliking me now, the things he said have given me meaning.
He said "Everyone knows you have issues attending, so when they see you, they think, there he is, attending despite all his issues."
That one piece of meaning to one of many flailing lives in this world has made my day -- and i am hoping, especially armed with valium and xanax, for the talk to help make me "get to church on time."

You're right, and thank you nerdygirl !

kraftiekortie

Sadly i have no friends. Certainly none on this half of the city who would accompany me through bus riding, although that is a fantastic idea.
No, i let Charlie's bullying "roll off my back," so i thought, but that aspie memory has deeply internalized what i tried to forgive and forget into this complex. With this bunch of people in my church, i'm sure it can be worked out.

Thanks!

tarabtekka64

Re-map my "area."
i had to do that to make it to the food bank a few streets down and around the corner, in a way.
As long as it is within walking distance, i'd say.
The furthest things in walking distance are a Shopper's Drug Mart up the main street near here, and a wonderful park called King's Park that takes navigating a few twists and turns to reach, on streets so wealthy that they don't have sidewalks.
If not this late summer and autumn, there's winter for Shopper's and summer for Kings Park.

Thank you for the expansive idea.
It is difficult, living alone, to think of anything expanding my envelope.

Good to hear!