How does one truly accept being alone?

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The idea of a relationship has always been too highly idealised in my mind, to ever be a reality. I have had relationships, all of them with others on the spectrum, and none have endured. There is a big difference between what I want in my imagination, and the reality of what I can deal with. I found that I could only deal with a certain amount of time spent with the person I was with, and then would be scrabbling to get away and have my own space again. I have also noted that very rarely do relationships not cause some level of stress and disharmony for both NTs and those on the spectrum. They are a commitment and a lot of work to nurture and maintain, in most cases.

I am at a stage where I am content to simply work on building up a network of friends, whom I can do things with when I am feeling able, and having a one to one relationship has ceased to be of importance to me. I have come to accept that it is unlikely I will ever find someone who is so compatible with me, that it could work without causing me emotional and psychological issues. I am also pretty much celibate so that aspect of a relationship is of no interest to me.

I know I'm a bit young compared to others posting here, so forgive me in advance.

I accepted a long time ago that I was meant to be alone. Relationships have never really interested me and when I tried having one, it just caused more stress in my life. Without one, I'm not as stressed and don't constantly have to worry about what my significant other might be thinking. I'm fine by myself for the time being, so being alone doesn't really bother me too much nowadays.

My experience:

1) I don't need a relationship to live a happy, fulfilled life. It is not a requirement. There are plenty of other areas in my life where I can find joy and contentment. I might want a relationship or enjoy having one, but not having one doesn't mean I'm missing some vital thing in my life. Relationships are always extra, for everyone not just me. I am an adult, and as such am solely responsible for my own emotional well-being. Even in a relationship I could not have my partner shoulder that responsibility for me. I have to find my own ways to take care of myself, make myself happy and fix my issues, and this wouldn't be any different in a relationship.

2) Romantic relationships aren't the only type of human contact there is. I have fulfilling relationships with my family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances. I meet people and have fun meeting them. I get emotional support, stimulating conversation and a sounding board when I need them, though I have to be considerate not to rely too hard on any one person.

3) I have a sexual relationship with myself. I am my own lover and can satisfy my own needs. I don't strictly need a partner for that either, and if I ever get horny enough, one night stands are perfectly acceptable and I have decided I do not need to feel any moral hangovers for them.

It's been 5 weeks since I started this topic and I'm not feeling much better, so...

In my case, it's a big thing to give up on relationships, because I do even worse at family and friendship, so without a partner I'm totally alone.

But I shun men nowadays, because I know "something" in me makes them horrible towards me. A few years ago I realized that I'd never be able to be in a functional, satisfying relationship that would be better than being alone - because I bring out the worst in humans. Just imagining what hell I'd be going through were I in a relationship, makes me not desire one. And this coming from someone who'd always had a relationship as no. 1 priority in life.

Also, having been in a horrible marriage for 1 year helped me quite a lot in not wanting to try again. Rescuing cats and loving them to bits made me finally stop thinking of a relationship altogether.

The only thing I miss from a relationship is, because I'm always outcast, I wish I had someone to stand with at work cocktail parties. Other than that, I don't even remember relationships.

I only became able to accept and then embrace the solo lifestyle after my last breakup (3yrs ago). That relationship taught me that essentially all of my relationships had been the same. They all involved me being in highly unbalanced and unhealthy relationship with predatory people. It scared the hell out of me to realise I had drifted from one sociopath to the next. And it also made me realise that I have no real concept of what a healthy relationship looks like. Until I do I will be doomed to repeat the same mistake. It became a matter of self preservation initially, then eventually it became a matter of preference.

I realised that all of my relationships marked periods of massive instability, job losses, financial losses and worst of all emotional rollercoasters that kept me in a state of craziness that ensured I would be unable to see things with clarity. I never want to return to those kinds of times in my life. And now that I am solo I am also free to pursue the things truly impoortant to me without giving it away to follow someone elses life. When I imagine someone coming into my life now I could not freely share it. There are too many things I personally want to do and I need all of my focus to do it. No amount of human company has ever given me what clarity and focus did. Sure I get sad at times and frustrated that I cant easily make a circle of friends. But I no longer pine for a significant other because the most signficant other is the me that never got to exist while I was dating crazy.

I like to sleep alone.

If I were to be married, I'd prefer it if we had separate bedrooms.

Hey there

I feel the same. I wish there was a pill to take away all my desire and longing for someone. I wish being used by friends/people was not enough to deter me. Whenever things get too bad I go and see a hooker but even that feels empty and hollow.

I see people in their thirties and they are all paired off and I keep thinking why I am not at the same stage of life. I feel like I am in a marathon and I am so far behind the NTs out there I just want to stop and give up the race. I will never get close because with Asperger’s its like carrying a heavy backpack and eye patch that slows you down and distort your perceptions.

To make matters worse is I have some semblance of people skills; I studied Cary Grant and have become adept at using that persona to carry off the appearance of being normal when I know I am genetically defective. I manage to joke and have funny rejoinders when people ask “why haven’t I got a girlfriend” e.g.

“Because Ann Hathaway hasn’t returned my calls”

“Because I am looking for someone as amazing as me, the search has come up empty so far”

Or if I am really pissed off

“Because no one wants to date a Pakistani”

I think the only semblance of relief I get is dedicating more time to my interests and hobbies and hope they fill this gap in my life I have. Or at least give me temporary amnesia. If its any consolation exercising regularly helps with my mood but it also increases my libido so that’s a trade-off.

If someone on here does manage to find a cure for being able to live without relationships please pm me I will be willing to pay good money for it.

I am new to this website (joined today). I am a 60 yr old guy, married with two adult kids (they are still kids to me, even though they are 30 and 34 yrs old). My wife is NT. I read your post and I understand your frustration.

Acceptance of ANYTHING you "wish-was-otherwise" can be very difficult. It is very important to recognize what we can change and what we cannot change.

I would love to be able to feel comfortable around others. I would love to be able to make "small talk" in groups and participate on a comfortable level in social settings. I would love to be less "awkward" in EVERY aspect of my life.

Many definitions of Aspergers include an "inability to empathize with others". This "trait" may be a common factor with Aspergers, but I believe some of us have the opposite problem. We tend to over empathize with everyone who has arrived on this planet and has to figure it all out.

I was drawn to this site by the name "wrongplanet". It resonates with me. We all arrive on this planet with a toolbox full of "tools" to help us navigate in this realm of existence. Some of the "tools" were "passed" on to us through genetics. Some are "learned" through social interaction and social conditioning.

Nonetheless, we all do not have the same "tools" when we arrive. I am trying to accept the fact that I did not receive the tools necessary to function smoothly on a social level on this planet. There are many tools we can "acquire" through learned experience and many we simply cannot "acquire".

Those missing tools are a constant source of frustration for many of us. It is these missing tools that spark my sense of "over empathizing" because it is part of our "common ground". Common ground includes our struggles as a species in general. Regardless of whether we are Aspies, NT's, cancer sufferers, have ALS or Parkinson's ... were born with no arms or legs ... as a species we all have to deal with the "crap in our heads".

We all have to deal with our individualized genetic components to help us navigate our existence on this planet.

We all must figure out and learn how to behave with respect to our individual sexual desires (or the lack thereof), fears and anxieties that we have unknowingly chosen as very small children, all of the instincts and related components that we are supposed to "manage" while on this planet.

Very difficult for many of us. Yet, it is part of our "common ground". It is what we share. It is more than enough reason to empathize with one another. We may be different on many levels, but our "common ground" remains unchanged.

Accepting what we cannot have or do, is not always easy. Try remembering that we ALL share our list of "cannot have's and cannot do's". I cannot play the piano. No matter how much I want to play the piano, my brain will not allow my hands to work independently of one another and each play a different part of a song on the piano.

I cannot read people in social situations. No matter how hard I try, it will not change. These "tools" were never in my toolbox. They cannot be acquired, no matter how much I want them.

Another aspect of our "common ground" is that we ALL want things we cannot have. Your suffering is no different than anyone else who does not have the tools to "get what they want". The good news is that IT IS OK TO NOT HAVE WHAT YOU WANT.

I know you don't want to hear that you "should just accept that you will never have a relationship" with anyone. Have you considered that your position of "not wanting things to be this way" may be getting in the way of having it ??

Sorry for building a clock instead of telling you what time it is, but sometimes building the clock is the best way to truly tell time.

be well ....

I can accept the fact that I am single.

I really feel you on this post.

This is literally the reason I finally joined this site (been lurking about two months).

I struggle with this every day.

I was 22 the first time I found someone I felt really, truly compatible. Couldn't tell you what it was, other than a deep, solid feeling. Before that I wavered back and forth between "Should I just f**k someone and get it over with? Should I try to have a meaningful relationship even though meaningful friendships are next to impossible already?" But then I found someone who made me feel comfortable enough to try sexual things with, and subsequently work through my body's apparent difficulty in dealing with other people's sexual touch. I still have to acclimate to new people's touch, making at least the first few encounters physically frustrating, though mentally and emotionally amazing (usually). Since then I've had a few relationships, a few casual sexual encounters, and am now single/without a steady, trusted sexual partner for the first time since I was a virgin.

In short, I'm going insane.

I'm having to come back to terms with the possibility (and thus the reality): I may never have a meaningful, safe relationship with meaningful, wonderful, emotion-high sex again. I may even be completely alone the rest of my life (I've had some severe issues with groups of friends, leaving me feeling unsafe anywhere in the city I live and work in, to the point of my deciding to move states as soon as I can get the money together, so I'm also dealing with a more ultimate aloneness). But.... I need to accept that.

I need to be okay with being completely, utterly alone.

And not because I want to deny myself the wonderful things I now know for a fact exist. And not because masturbation is a full replacement for sex (it's not, unless you're having extremely emotionally detached sex, are asexual or somesuch. It's a good sexual release, but good sex is an extremely intimate connection. That's why we seek it out to cure our loneliness). Not because of any excuse or denigration of the thing that I want (intimacy).

Because I am a whole being who makes their choices with a full mind, not one half-drained by fear. I will not let the pain of being alone control me. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it really affects me on a daily basis. I've gotten used to saying "Well at last So-and-So loves me" and using that to get past other difficulties, and now I am without that crutch.

The other thing I've realized? The only good, meaningful, deep relationship I've been in fell into my lap out of nowhere. At the time, I had rather come to terms with just being by myself. I think, at least for me, accepting myself, and the fact that, unless something I had no control over changed, I would always be alone, is what let me be open to who people really are. Because I wasn't looking for anything, I could see everything that was there. And, in that open state, I happened into the path of someone who was one of the most amazing things to ever enter my life.

I need to find that state again. It's like a zen. A feeling of both the finite and the infinite, where nothing may happen, and that's okay, and everything may happen, and that's okay. I believe I can get there again, it's just a matter of self-discipline, along with self-care. And if I stumble into another wonderful thing, I will be able to turn my full, unclouded attention to it, and enjoy it to the best of my abilities.

I liked AngelRho's response.

I accepted I am a person of solitude immediately when I figured out that is what I am. Maybe your ambivilance comes from not knowing for sure that is who you are, and afraid of living as something you are not. I was like that when I was proposed to when I was 19 years old. I was at a road split and I did not know which way to go, nor know where either branch of the road would take me. I made the wrong choice to marry, but I think it led me to finding who I really am faster than if I said no. Lucky for me we did not produce kids.

We divorced after 3 years. I went to college. I read a book titled 'The Introvert Advantage' by Marti Laney. That led me to discover a lot more about myself. This is a very short summary of my journey, but are important highlights. Accepting your life first starts by understanding who you are and accepting who that is as a whole. Wanting a partner in life does not need to involve romantic relationships that live in the same house. It doesn't need to involve just one person.

I'm not interested in any kind of personal interaction long-term, so I interact with people on my own terms like: I only ask or answer questions in real life pertaining to a task or work project; I need time and freedom of choice for any personal matter so I do this online with strangers. I construct how, when, and why for interctions -- control freak is a term I hear a lot, but I need to do that or risk being overwhelmed and melting down. That leads to not being productive or constructive. I have to expatriate myself because of it, and see it as a tremendous unfair reality. However, like being stuck in a marriage I didn't belong, I'm stuck in a country I don't belong. I may discover I don't belong anywhere, but I have to at least explore my options before I make that claim.

The movie Ants or Bugs Life, at the end the viewers' point of view is panning back to show the whole story took place at a garbage can in a park. Our human story is bigger than our neighborhood or state or even country. Try panning out and finding new options to problem solve. I can't take credit for this idea -- someone from school told me this. It was hard to apply this to my life at the time, but the idea stuck in my mind and eventually I figured it out. That is how I came up with exploring other countries to live, since I don't fit here.

what is your age OP? because i often times have strong difficulty accepting this