Hubby is aspie, he drives me crazy. HELP!!

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I can understand that you feel trapped. You have no life experience of living as an independent adult. You recognise that you need to heal, and perhaps know deep down that this isn't going to happen in the warzone of your marriage.

Go to the library. Find books by other women who have made their way out of similar kinds of dependency into a new life, where they discuss the trials and tribulations they had to overcome. It's time you either bit the bullet or accepted that you refuse to do anything to change your own life at this time. Give up trying to change him. You surely know by now that this isn't going to happen. Endlessly detailing his faults won't improve things for you, though it may release some of your stored up anger. You can change your life though, if you decide to strike out in favour of creating a better one.

Challenge your usual ways of thinking, even if only for a day and see things from different angles, perhaps. It's clear that what you do now isn't working for anyone.

Thank you guys. You support is making me cry in the best possible way. I just want to be talked to with some degree of honesty even if it is not pretty. I want to be heard, I want to be listened to. I don;t know how to deal with those things. I am never heard and listened to. I get honesty, brutal nasty, cursing at me honesty at home. Thank you for your kindness. I do plan on responding but I must pull myself together a little better first.


*HUGS, and Thank yall for listening and sharing* I'm listening and will respond eventually.

Part of the reason why I don't ever plan on getting married is because I know I'd be a sh***y husband. I'm a self-centered guy, and I like to have my space. It's unfortunate, but some people simply aren't meant to marry. I do sometimes have fantasies about being a chivalrous gentleman who can sweep a girl off her feet, but I know that that's not a realistic thing to aspire to nowadays.

A relationship is a two way street, regardless if he is on the spectrum or not. If you both are not willing to work on issues there is no relationship.
Now him understanding what he needs to do to make the relationship work because he is on the spectrum is definitely a problem. I myself a have ASD my partner does not. When she really wants something to change or to be modified she and I sit down and have a step by step conversation of how this can happen. Some times I fly off the handle and take a day or two to absorb what she was trying to tell me, other times it makes sense right away and we can move on. I make changes because she needs me to not because I want to, if I had it my way nothing would ever change, but I know they must so she is happy. The process is not over night, is not easy for either of us, but must happen none the less.
The grass is all ways greener on the other side until you get there and step in a hole and twist your ankle.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you know what I am going threw. It is black mail, and emotional abuse, and it is hell. I was under the impression for many many years that this is how it was supposed to be. I had to be the perfect wife. My Hubby would say jump and I would say what how high. But after getting counselors involved in things to avoid having the kids removed, I began to see that this is not right. What is different now then 5 years ago is now I know that this is wrong. I can't continue this way. It is killing me. I have depression, I have anxiety, I have sleep issues, I have weight issues all which seem to do away or at least be under control when he is out of town. What would happen when he is gone for months?

[u] To start with sorry this is underlined. I was aiming for the Italics and hit underline. But it will work this way I suppose.

I have so much healing to do. Even if we do separate and get back together at a later date, I need to heal. I have stuff I need to work on and I know it. I need to recover from the past abuse of others, I need to recover form his abuse. I can't do that while with him. The things he has done haunt me. I need to get past this stuff, but I can't the way things are right now. I need to get over them. Not forget them, but get over them. I need to let old hurts go, let old wounds heal, and move forward with or with out him.

Going to the library and checking out book about others who have over come postiches is a great idea. [u]

tl;dr...

I'm absolutely certain you should try meditating together. Guided, closed eye, [insert your religion here], the goal is always similar. People don't require hours of talk therapy in order to discover peaceful coexistence. That's a sales pitch, I watched my parents go the same route. They occupied different roles in all this but I've seen significantly uglier times than your OP described. Thinking along those lines recently reconciled me with an on again off again lady friend. There are three kids and two of you. The reasoning in this situation should be a no-brainier.

This has been suggested to us as a couple before. I do not feel free to share with my husband what I think and feel and fear his line of questioning and accuseing is not worth the attempt to reach out and connect. We are Christian, and when I ask for forgiveness for things, even small daily things, it feels more like confession time, and I am confessing to my Husband. So meditating is something we have tried and was not successful.

Leave him, OP. Especially if he is being abusive with the kids. Have you visited ASPartners on Delphi? It's a support forum for spouses. You only get one life.

I don't understand asking him for forgiveness as part of meditating? I've read forgiveness meditation can be helpful, but that's with you choosing (if you want) to forgive others because it frees you, and it doesn't seem like where you want to go right now.

From what you're writing, it doesn't look to me like asking him for forgiveness will change anything for the better. You want to get away or change things and get some power back, I think, and right now he's bullying you. Acting strong and rejecting negative comments, at least looking like you reject them, seems essential to gain strength, to heal, and, if you wish, to leave.

I'm sorry. I don't know a lot about computers and technology. Is that ASPartnersonDelphi.com or is Delphi some kind of machine/computer.

He doesn't put his hands on the kids, just like he doesn't put his hands on me, but sometime words hurt worse then hands.

I'm sorry let me clarify. When we have meditated or prayed together. IT consisted of a time to admit the days shorts comings. Small things like I want to do better tomorrow and make time to get the vacuuming done, (because he has OCD, the vacuum MUST be run on Weds and Saturdays) and that turns into a battle of "You didn't vacuum today, but it is Weds, are you going to do it tomorrow, why didn't you do it, what did you do instead" It just causes lots of hurt feelings.

When we talked about our goals during meditation/prayer he would get angry after wards and say "Really, your goal is to be a better sister, or a better daughter, get real, those things don't matter" He doesn't understand that it matters to me. So we kinda gave up on the meditation/praying together thing. It caused more issues then it helped.

oops. My bad,I sent it twice, so I erased this one. Not sure how else to get it to go away.

Last edited by xyz on 01 Jan 2015, 11:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think reading negative things on the website will help you. If you could see him as all bad, you'd be gone by now. You need as you said to heal, to find your strength. Don't confront him, it will exhaust you to argue and he won't let you win even when you're right, which will make you feel crazy. As long as you're there, tell him and yourself with your words and actions that you are a person and to be valued and treated with respect. I think the more you get into the details of his behavior, in your own mind (and maybe especially if you're on the spectrum) the more stuck you get just from thinking about it and trying to figure it out.

There is some good, but gosh there is sooooo much bad. I do need time to heal. I don't know if he will ever understand that. Is that to much for an aspie to understand, I really don't know?

Confronting him will exhaust me , and you are right, even if I am correct he won't let me win. It does make me feel crazy.

The more I get into the details of his behavior in my own mind the more stuck I become. So true. That is so very true.

I just don't know what to do. Well I do know what to do, I just don't know how to do it. I have no sense of self worth, the fear I have emotionally is unbelievable. I know he will not hit me, but the words he uses and the questions he asks. The way he turns the tables and makes me the bad guy. I feel like I can't o it. It is easier to live like this. I know what I have to do, 3 kids are counting on me. I just need to find the strength and courage to confront him, to remain strong, and to continue and not back down even if it is days or weeks that it may take to get this all worked out.

Just type aspartners into your search engine. You will find it.

I think it is humiliating for him to ask you to account for the time you spent not vacuuming! What a control freak!