A different 4 Stages of Aspergers – Where are You?

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Went through Mourning before coming to the aspergers realization. Mourned that I would not have the life I long thought would eventually happen. Then found aspergers and entered Relief.

(I just realized that this is a zombie thread- sorry about that!)

I suppose I’ve been lucky- I wasn’t diagnosed till I was 26, and I managed to get through some pretty gruelling life events (good and bad- leaving it there) okay till then. I wasn’t any better at dealing with others though other than learning to bite my tongue most of the time, so having a friend who recognized it point it out to me was a huge weight off my chest. I was also lucky that my family supported me when it became official, and while I learned to integrate that part of my identity and manage my issues.

I’m far more relaxed than I used to be, and while I generally present (publicly) as eccentric neurotypical (work knows there is an issue, and identified something that’s co-morbid and a bit more socially acceptable- if they are cool with that I’m leaving that as it is. They seem to value my work and that’s more than enough for me) Sometimes I have an outburst. Sometimes I have meltdowns. I’m learning to head those off too. Personally, I feel that the last stage, aside from acceptance (or along with) is Calibration. It’s also the indefinite stage, since you can never really turn it off. I’m not here very often because most have been less lucky, and I need to secure my own oxygen mask first, so to speak. My own policy on disclosing is that I’ll disclose to close friends, but otherwise it’s no one’s business but my own.

None really.

It was briefly a relief to know I wasn't just cursed or something, that there was a reason. But it was fleeting as the next realisation was that it wasn't going to go away any time soon. I found no need to tell anyone else and try and garner their understanding at all. Most people will just start judging you for doing that anyway like you are trying to flash some get out of jail free card, and excuse your behaviours. There wasn't a great sense of community either. Coming here is fun, because its another aspect of life to share with others. But I see myself being in disagreement with some sentiments expressed here just as much as I am in the wider NT world too. It's not like this forum has a particular level of agreement about it that doesn't exist elsewhere.

So where am I now? I am in acceptance that yes my social functioning and ability to understand social cues is impaired. That is fact. But that's as far as it really helps. The rest, learning to function within society, support myself, live a good life, hasn't changed at all as a result of a Dx. I just have slightly more self awareness than I used to.

It really depends on the day.

I wouldn't say I ever feel "relief," though--since I was diagnosed with autism and some other disorders at around age 3.

"Momentum," to me, is closely related with "camaraderie." They feed off each other in a sometimes symbiotic relationship.

In order to have either "momentum" or "camaraderie," one must have "validation."

I never feel "confusion," and I never feel "mourning." Why mourn something which might turn out to be good?

"It is what it is" is a healthy way at looking at it. I feel that way sometimes.

I don't think I really fitted that pattern. There was simultaneous relief that my brokenness had a name and explanation, and freaking out with some denial that I had a named thing wrong with me. I think these were all at once rather than in separate stages.

For years I just accepted it as part of who I am, it was useful. Circumstances have got me into disability activism and being proud of who I am, but that's well over a decade since the diagnosis.

Back in 2013
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Relief
Explanation of why most things happened the way it did in my life.
Identity - there are a lot of others that had the same or very similar experiences

Now
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As in the thread I created in General Autism said with the community acceptance of the DSM 5 and negative connotation of Aspergers here and even ToM being questioned Explanation is somewhat less, Identity is heavily eroded so their is sense of mourning and bafflement as to what why that happened and why it happened so quick.

I'm on the Fifth Stage.

"Get over myself."
Yeah, I'm on the spectrum, under obsolete criteria, I was called "Asperger's". Still have to pay my bills. Oh, look, new episode of Gotham. I like cheese. Gotta fart. Pet the dog, toss her ball. Need to edit manuscript for JBC. I hate car payments.

Anyone else get the point?

That's the way I look at it, too. You have Asperger's. Other people have other "disorders." You have the manuscript to edit--do it! Otherwise, you won't eat for a few days.

I'd like to say that , if you're over thirty, then the momentum peters out rapidly and the camaraderie never eventuates

However many steps precede it, I see the final ones as "integration and coherence" and then "empowerment".

Maybe these stages occur after the previously disjointed parts of the self form a coherent whole which is larger and more meaningful than merely the sum of the parts.

I'm around the end of stage three, but two also turned up an attachment disorder, so I probably won't see four. Mama was an aspie, and only wanted kids for camouflage.

It certainly didn't start off with relief. When I received my diagnosis, I rejected it for a couple of years because of the social stigmatisation (and in hindsight my own prejudices) of Asperger's.

I'm a lot more accepting of it now, but that's only through experience, observation, learning and socialising with those who are on the spectrum.

I went through Disbelief/Denial, Curiosity, Fascination, (self-diagnosis), more Disbelief/Denial, pseudo-Acceptance, Ignoring, Uncertainty, pseudo-Acceptance, Fascination, more Disbelief/Denial, Acceptance, Confusion, Curiosity, Depression, Acceptance, Frustration, (real diagnosis), Anger, Depression. Now I'm at Hatred mixed with Frustration and Depression.

Now that I've known my kind of wiring has a name (whether you call it HFA or Asperger's) for the past 11 years (diagnosed by my therapist when I was 35) that I've reached an acceptance. I've also gotten help for the depression and anxiety that are often part of the package. Now my two major emotions are no longer "terror" and "rage," but "fear" and "anger." I don't really give much credence to emotions, so it's not that big of a deal unless I'm really stressed. It's a big improvement from my childhood when I was terrified of virtually everything and always on the defensive.
My family of course don't understand. They have a hard time understanding that I am on the autistic spectrum because I have always been verbal (hyperlexics generally are...) and I have an above average IQ. I come from a large, loud, extroverted bunch who I love, but it drives me nuts to be in close proximity to them - or really anyone else- for any length of time. My family taught me how to maneuver in the "world of normal," but they were never really able to convince me to enjoy it. I crave solitude like a junkie craves a fix. I know my husband generally doesn't understand that, and I'm actually quite surprised that I was able to raise a child (now age 23 and as neurotypical and extroverted as everyone else in my family) and do all the things the "normals" do- including working out in public since age 16, but I just did what was expected of me. If I had a do-over I probably would have chosen a more solitary life path, but I didn't know then what I know now.
It probably doesn't help my emotional stability that I have to deal with people all day at work- but one does what is necessary to survive. Sometimes all that communication with other humans is a huge drain on what little energy I have and the older I get the more I feel that drain. Thankfully most of our business is conducted either online or on the phone which takes the body language element (which I am really horrible at both sending and receiving) out of the picture.
I try to accommodate my needs by taking solitary time (not as much as I truly need, but I try to do it before I get burned out or sick) and by understanding my own wiring. I try not to put myself in awkward social situations or to volunteer for too many things as I used to do. I don't have anyone to impress but me, and no one else's wiring to work but my own. That statement alone is liberating. I am not normal, and I really don't care.

Camaraderie

This is making all the difference, just knowing that there is someone out there who knows what having aspergers is like. That has certainly lifted my spirits, all my life I have been trying to find, a place or person who understands what it is like though experience.