"Autism Night" at a Restaurant

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My husband, toddler and I were at a restaurant last night and noticed an "autism night" flier on the door as we went in. Covered with puzzle pieces, you know the deal. My husband's an aspie, our son and I am NT. I make a joke about how maybe we should come back on that night. My husband said maybe we really should look into who is running it and see if it's advocacy-friendly.

We read it more carefully on our way out. It turns out it's for autism parents and it's a time for them to basically let their kids run wild because the other parents will "get it." My little brother has HFA and I clearly remember how he'd get under tables or walk non-nonchalant into the back room whenever we'd go into a store. So I know that it does take extra effort when a kid is autistic. But I don't know. Something about this made me uncomfortable. I imagined all the parents sitting together talking about what a rough time they had having autistic kids and making awkward jokes about them. And then I imagined the possibly autistic grandparents and extended family having to witness all of this. Are these unkind thoughts?

What do you adults think when you see autism parent events like this?

It might just be a well-intentioned meet-up of sorts initiated by the restaurant or one of the organizing parents. I worry that the restaurant doesn't know what might result. Maybe the restaurant owners and staff have hosted this event before, and it worked. I dunno.

Given my own aversion to loud restaurants in the best of circumstances, I would be reluctant to join in.

Sounds hellish and likely to result in meltdowns all around. Must to avoid.

I agree with Adamantium it sounds hellish, I'd have a meltdown if all the kids were running around wild, and I think I would want to avoid it in any position, be it that I were a parent or one of the kids. Yikes. As a child I know I would have hated this and be screaming get me out of here within minutes.

When I saw the title of this thread, I actually thought it was something very different -- a night of library-like quiet in the restaurant!

When the staff would be extra quiet with clanging and banging plates around, the diners all talk in hushed tones, and anyone with autism would experience a very quiet restaurant instead of the usual noise, loud kitchen sounds, and loud conversations.

It sounds as if the intentions are good, but it does strike me as rather naive. Maybe everyone would have a lovely time being their natural selves and not having to pretend to be 'normal' ... on the other hand it has scope for turning into a nightmare, with people getting injured, not to mention the meltdown potential.

Is there a way of finding out if they've done this before, and what it was like? The restaurant is still standing, so if they had evenings like this before, presumably it didn't get too out of hand.

I agree. Good intentions, but not the best idea. I wouldn't want to be there.

Ahh. You have the eye of a detective.

Eep *shudder*. Just the thought of that makes me almost have overload just thinking about it.

<< that's a french village-event, children running around while adults eating and drinking, eventually they'll fall asleep in their (grand-)parents labs, while youth enjoys itself with horrible music that's bombarded over the whole thing

my brothers and me, were dragged everywhere but it was always father meltdowning us out of these occasions, you knew always that it was coming at some point - but it was not understood why that was -
We Go Now ! !

That's what we thought when we saw the flier! I would also hope that at "autism night" no one would stare at anyone else.

I think it's sad that you have such a low opinion of parents of autistic children. I have knowingly been an "autism parent" for about 13 years and have found that most really do have their children's best interests in mind. But even if not, it isn't actually in the parents' best interests to get their kids really over-stimulated anyway, because they are the ones who have to take those screaming kids home. Generally, unhappy kids = unhappy parents.

I also don't know any parents who make jokes at the expense of their kids. Sometimes we will tell funny stories about our kids, but not at the expense of them. I don't know what kind of "awkward jokes" you have in mind. I've never heard parents telling stories like "Guess what my little ret*d did today? He cried and banged his head because his swimming class was cancelled. What an idiot! HAHAHA!". Usually at these kinds of meet-ups, parents do tell cute-funny stories, but they do that whether the kids are autistic or not.

I do object to your sentence about the parents letting the kids run wild. I took my son to the movies today. It was an autism screening. What makes it an "autism screening" is that they leave dim lights on, turn down the sound, and they have laxer behavioural standards. My son can't sit still the whole time- he likes to get up to jump and flap his hands. He also occasionally makes a vocal stimming noise that sounds like "eeeeee!" when he's happy. He couldn't be in a regular theatre. Having an autism screening allows him one more activity that he can do. He had fun today. He did not "run wild", but he did behave in a way that is not appropriate normally for a cinema. Not because he's a brat and I'm a lazy parent who doesn't care, but because he's autistic. If you want a silent movie environment, the autism screening is not the one for you, but they allow some kids who ordinarily cannot do many things a chance to have a good time. Restaurants are similar because there is a similar behavioural standard which cannot be met by many autistic kids (I know I certainly would never dare take my kids to a restaurant!! !).

Wow, you said a lot of loaded things that I clearly did not say. Such as "ret*d" and "brat" and "lazy parent"...

I guess that's why you guys need your own night at the restaurant.

I agree.

No you didn't say them. I did. I felt that you implied them. However, my response to you was emotionally charged, and it should not have been as that is not an effective way of communicating. I apologise for that (and also regret it because it because my point was totally lost). Anyway…

We know that you did not attend the event, but rather got this information from the flyer. As such, the following statements of yours, all appear to be assumptions with little to no evidence:





They're people you've never met, nor observed, yet this is what you automatically assume about them.

The content of your assumptions is where I got that you have a low opinion of them. Nobody has ever said parents are letting their kids run wild in a restaurant and meant it in a good way. In your imagination, these parents are letting their kids run wild while they sit around and chat. Their conversations consist of what sounds like complaining about and making fun of their autistic kids. They are doing this in front of their possibly autistic relatives. That sounds like they are inattentive, lazy, uncaring, etc. to me. Those are my interpretations, not things you said specifically.

Raising an autistic child is a challenge, but what really makes it hard is the people in society who make it harder. Since autism was recognised, people have always blamed and demonised the parents one way or another. I feel that if people in society would help parents of autistic kids, rather than demonise them, it could increase the quality of life of many autistic kids. (Note: I am not using "demonise" in a religious way).

I hope I am wrong about my interpretation. It doesn't matter if I believe you or not though- hopefully when you interact with such people, you are kinder than you came across here. As a sociologist, you may have a chance to actually make a difference. I know you are focussing on adults, but realise that those adults were children once raised by parents or guardians.

You said what I was thinking too. Taking my aspie son to a restaurant can get really difficult because he can't sit quietly and wait for his meal, he can't not spill something, he can't tolerate the noise of the other diners and the music. So I imagined a rather quiet restaurant where the kids would not be stared at. When we have the sensory movies near me, the super loud sounds are turned down so they are easier to tolerate. It's about being helpful to the kids, and therefore helpful to the parents. Not just packing everyone in to gripe together. It is very, very stressful to go out and feel that everyone is staring at you and judging for not doing a better job parenting.

I'm fairly certain I mentioned that my little brother is autistic (and my husband, other relatives, friends, and mentors). I had to spend my teenage years pulling my little brother out of the back rooms of grocery stores and explaining to him why you can't throw a small animal like a baseball. My late brother and I had to take care of him because our mom wouldn't. And thank goodness he is autistic, or else I doubt he'd be able to take care of our mom, who is mentally ill. I could never be as kind and sensible as him. But people who are looking to get mad will find a way to get mad, I guess.

Which is the great puzzle piece of autism parents.