Whether to become a parent or not

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Anybody with AS have experience of choosing to become a parent?

I think I have a kind of mild AS. Never been diagnosed or seeked a diagnosis but the symptoms all seem to fit and I have believed this to be the case for 20+ years.

I am 46 now. Male. I have never had any aspirations in the direction of parenthood.

w.r.t. relationships: I always have a girlfriend on the go. They usually get bored of me after a year or so and move on when I don't offer marriage or cohabitation which is OK with me as life is a box of chocolates etc.

I love living alone and have never done anything else.

Last year I met this amazing woman. We are still here 9 months later.

She is dead set on having kids and living together. She already has 1 which I thought was good since she would have the clucky thing out of her system. But no, she wants (at least 2) more.

I love spending time with kids when I get the chance and kids always seem to like me. However spending casual time with kids and being able to entertain them is a whole different ballgame from a lifelong commitment as a parent.

Every time I try to get my head around the idea of having kids it makes me feel tired just the thought of all the noise and hassle and the inescapable lifelong commitment and the loss of my solitude and peace and quiet.

Any fellas with AS make a reluctant decision to have kids and have any stories to tell?

I wanted kids, theoretically, but knew practically that I wasn't ready yet, so put it off until I was in my mid 30s.
I still had areas of relative weakness that I wanted to master, but time was running on, so I agreed and we went ahead--now I am nearing 50 and my kids are teenagers and have these thoughts, which may or may not be relevant.

It takes a lot of energy to parent a child. If I knew then what I know now, I would have had kids earlier, like in my late 20s or early 30s. The abundance of energy that young adults have is there in order to support reproduction, I believe. If one is going to reproduce, that is the best time to do it.

If you have sufficient economic means to hire assistants to help raise your child, then I think you are in a completely different situation. You don't need all that extra energy if you can afford that kind of support. Likewise, if you or your wife has a large extended family who tend to share child rearing, then you are better positioned to cope.

The other thing is that you need general husbanding skills. This is more the verb "husband" as in"animal husbandry"--to husband a household is to manage the economic resources necessary for the maintenance of the household. If you are good with planning, finances, budgeting and bookkeeping, then you are well suited to that part of being a dad.

If you have trouble in that area, as I do, then it's a hard road. Once you are a dad, you have immense responsibility. You need to rise to the challenge, it's an absolute imperative. Again, if you are financially secure and these things are not a challenge for you, I think you will be well positioned to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood.

That's energy and money. The third big area is intimacy. Often this is linked in some way with money, in that problems communicating with your spouse of the kind that can complicate money management are likely to cause problems with intimacy too. That means sex, affection and general relating. If you are good with sharing budgetary issues and good with being affectionate, you are really well set to be a great dad.

You can be a great dad when you have troubles in those areas too, but those problems will be magnified by the needs of the parental role.

That noted, having kids is the most rewarding thing in my life and one of my greatest sources of happiness.

I hope you find the right way forward for you. Good luck.

^Thanks for the thoughts.

I have enough for a modest solo retirement but this woman has a lot more money than me. She says she wants no financial assistance but I would have to take that on trust as family law is loaded against the fella when it comes to financial support (Australia).

She has said we can get assistance e.g. au-paire or her family to help out.

She has said she will have kids for sure next year. If I don't want kids she will use sperm from her deceased husband and I am still in the picture w.r.t. a relationship. I do really like spending time with kids. Half of me thinks it is an opportunity not to miss since I don't otherwise have the resources to fund kids without working for many more years. But half of me instinctively runs a mile at the thought of the responsibility.

Maybe the IVF with the frozen sperm is a good compromise. That way if things go pear-shaped with us later on then there is not so much collateral damage. Only other worries are potentially disappointing her and/or my family by choosing to avoid true biological parenthood.

If there is any threads where parenthood as an AS parent has been discussed please post a link.

Seems to be quite an active forum and parenthood is a big life issue.

Had a good look round but could not find anything.

From a female Aspie perspective who is now a single mother. I didn't intend to get pregnant but it happened and my ovaries wanted babies.

It is HARD work. Extremely challenging but with immense growth potential. It's extremely draining especially when she has meltdowns. She is one of the reasons I stopped being a chameleon and stayed true to myself and discovered who I actually was.
It's terrifying. You have a little person dependent on you for pretty much everything. So if you're used to your space and independence, and enjoying it, get ready for it to be violated over and over again. Pursuing your hobbies (going to shows, getting away for the weekend, spending hours isolated working on a project, impromptu trips) is absolutely not possible if you want to give them the attention they need and actually raise them. So self-sacrifice is a BIG issue. Kids teach unconditional love and if you have issues with feelings, they'll force you to evaluate them and they'll test your boundaries repeatedly.
My daughter's father is an Aspie as well. He needs his space, his independence. However that absolutely doesn't work with kids, therefore the burden of raising his two kids fell on his family and me. And I can tell you it's still a source of tension and argument. He's clueless and now scrambling to learn responsibility and how to be a parent to his eldest (who isn't mine. He's divorced).
So if you don't want kids and are in a committed relationship with someone who does, DON'T lead her on. Her desire for children is not going to go away, she may change her mind after kid #2, but isn't going to change her mind about having another kid after kid #1.

Thanks for the input Labradorite.

It sounds as challenging and difficult as my worst fears!

I hope you get the support you need from your partner's parents/family.

There is a parents board with a lot of discussion you may find interesting. There are many NT parents of ASD children there, but also ASD and BAP parents of NT and ASD children. A broad range of parenting challenges and issues is disscused.

The stickied threads at the top are worth reading:
viewtopic.php?t=153968
viewtopic.php?t=121250
viewtopic.php?t=166142

^There is quite a few interesting posts in those threads. Thanks for the links.

Having kids is hard for Aspie's and NTs!

I have 3 and I'm Aspie (F) and married to a NT. I think the number is important too. There is a big difference between having 1, 2 or 3 .... With 3 you have little time for yourselves

Another thought is money. If they are your's biologically you will have an obligation to provide financial support. I am not saying you wouldn't want to do so anyway, just something to consider.

I've always been good with kids and always wanted them - in fact I "role played" by myself pretending how I'd be in various situations in my mid-20s. I didn't realize my problem was very mild AS or PDD-NOS (I'm right on the borderline) till my mid-'30s, by which time I'd given up on having a girlfriend to some extent and realized it'd be through adoption if I had one. I could adopt, even now - I'm 45. (In fact, I went forward and prayed about it and became so set on it, started to really look into it, etc.; then I just felt peace that it hadn't worked out but that I have a child in Heaven. You can read about it [url]tomychildinheaven.blogspot.com[/url] if you want.)

Thing is, it's hard; i know about how I'd handle a lot of things, but you need a child with certain tendencies and only you know which ones. For me, I realized I'd have likely needed a girl because they tend to be more verbal and could express themselves better. I'd likely go overboard trying to figure out what a problem was and asking question, but I'd also admit I really didn't know, so I'd need one who would be honest about such thigns, etc..

Anyway, it didn't work out, but if you get along well with the kid she has, it might work out. Just realize that it does take lots of work and you have to be very open and honest and also very consistent when it comes to rules, very loving so you can help them see it's not just about rules but a war relationship with you, and so on.

So, if need be, try to find a fictional parenting style that you think suits you - try a few on, mix and match. I had one cousin say that, minus the OCD cleaning, he thought I was a perfect match for Danny Tanner of "Full House," BTW. I ramble a lot, I sometimes miss little things (that aren't dirt), I can be overly doting if not careful, and I tell very corny jokes and think they're funny.

It's not just a matter of whether you want to be a parent ... but because it affects other people, you should also consider whether you would be any good as a parent. There are ways to test this out, babysitting, being around young children, etc.

I've known some people on the spectrum who were good parents, but then those who were bad parents were significantly awful. Don't do that to a helpless child.

I have a.s.d, s.p.d and a.p.d and am a single mum to 4 children. 1 n.d ,3n.t. I have support from social services, and a keyworker who spent long time getting to know me and my needs. We have moments but I love my children to bits and they have taught me so much. It is hard I have a time out space for me and they have young carers support to help them socialize as I struggle to teach them things like that. Your diagnoses should be the decided it is possible If you do it your way. My children are amazing and kind of straddle two worlds so very tolerant. You will have things and ways to cope and their is always help available.hugs

I honestly don't recommend it. If you know you are an aspie, then don't put yourself through it. I'm 26, and have a 2.5 yo son and a 1.5 yo daughter. I didn't know I was autistic until 6 months ago. Having kids certainly was a wake up call that there is definitely something wrong with me.

Part of my autism includes difficulties with:
- sounds
- situations you can get away from
- attention in public places
- social situations
- eye contact
- expectations on you from other ppl
- etc

All of the above and more are amplified massively when you have children. You have to see all the relatives, and have people over. You have to go into public places with them, and they draw massive attention, especially when they kick off, which they do, all the time. Car journeys, or bus trips, or when the misses goes off, you are stuck with their loud screaming and you cant get away from it. The screaming doesn't go away until they are over 3 yo. If you have two kids, that's extended.

If I could go back, and new then that I was autistic, I wouldn't have had kids. Life has been truly hell for me, and still is. My misses is burdened with over 80% of the parenting duties because we've learned that its just easier if I dont involve myself too much. Its better that my kids see me a little less, but the time spent with them is quality, vs me being there all the time and emotional chaotic.

If we go out with the kids, then I literally have anxiety attacks every few minutes. If they scream/cry in the car journey, i cant even talk, sometimes I have to pull over and get out the car for a bit. We avoid areas of high people density, because if the kids cry and people look at us, I have to eject from the situation. But if I stick it out, then im in a foul mood for the rest of the day.

Things with my 2.5 yo son are getting a lot better, I enjoy his company. He is still 40% unbearable though. Kids are good from 3 years on. Its just that first hurdle that is near impossible to get through. Life becomes something that you are just trying to survive, just getting your head down and getting through. Surely anyone who knows they are autistic, wouldn't willingly put themselves through it? I wouldn't have if I could go back, I'd just make peace with my limitations and enjoy the freedom that not having kids brings.

Me and my misses used to go watch movies when the cinema was empty, go for walks, go to museums and old English stately homes. We cant do any of that any more. Our relationship is all but dead. Mainly because having kids around makes me unbearable to be around. I don't choose to be this way, I'm autistic, I was born like it. I could get by relatively normal when the kids weren't around, now the expose my weaknesses and put me on display for everyone to watch how I cant cope.

Don't underestimate kids. Don't fool yourself that its OK. Don't fool yourself that your autism is only mild because they will certainly put it to the test.

I can't imagine a more beautiful moment than holding your own baby in your arms
To think of the joy and the wonder that baby infant will bring into your life

This will never happen to me

This is why I post here
Because I am damned, worthless, useless and stupid

and that is what a not-father is
just an empty space
that eats, s**ts, masturbates
and waits to die

slightly off-topic but i felt compelled to reply to syzygyish...

you wrote:

but your signature line says:



PLEASE take your own advice, and be kinder than necessary to yourself.

^^^Thanks for the honest opinion Archy.

I think I am leaning towards suggesting she goes ahead with the IVF.

I always enjoy kids when I spend time with them and they seem to like me but I think that is a whole different ballgame to parenthood.

I think my chances of making a success of our relationship would be greatly increased simply by my knowing that I can walk away without ties and baggage if things don't work.

I am quite happy living alone; just cohabiting will be a big enough challenge. I am only contemplating this parenthood thing because she is a catch and probably the best woman I will ever meet and it's what she wants. I have no desire to become a parent myself; actually quite the opposite.