Im terribly depressed

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Well i have diagnosis of severe levels of OCD and ADD. I dont know if i have aspergers, i am not going to my doctor for a long time( i fear doctors ). I dont have any friend except an imaginary one. I couldnt develop enough social skills so kids generally beat me up both in elementary and highschool. One of my doctors sent me to a hospital bcs of my imaginary friend since that time im not going to doctors. Now im grown up but i failed in every job i entered. I couldnt finish my university. All in all i became an alcoholic. I drink bcs only when i drink i forget that the only thing i communicate is imaginary. Im terribly depressed and sad. I try to talk with people but i cant, im just looking their faces blankly, i try to speak but i cant. Something, some invisible thing choking me. People think im ret*d but im not. I dont know what to do, i tried to suicide but im just too damn coward to finish this misery.

You sound extremely isolated. Somehow you need to find a way out of this, as the start of a recovery process. Alcohol in excess will increase your depression, so consider how to limit this. Your depression is a powerful signal from your inner self that you must make some changes in your life, which has contracted to a painful state.

I know it is hard to do that when depression drains energy like a leaking bucket. However you must do something differently. Could you join a Meet Up group if there is one in your area? There are lots of support groups on Meet Up for young people experiencing depression and anxiety. I don't know if you have a special interest, though if you do, that's another Meet Up possibility. Make real contact with others in some way when you feel up to it - often at night, depression lifts a little, and that might make it possible to ring a helpline just to talk over what is happening for you with someone who listens. You need to connect, to be heard, to find somewhere that you do fit; you are in crisis now, and often crisis is the turning point to recovery. You have begun to reach out by posting here. Keep going. Keep us updated on your progress. May your change process begin.

Alcoholism is the first and most important thing to combat. Groups and institutions that help to fight alcoholism also take care of other psychological problems, because they know that all goes together. Seek help asap. There should be local AA around. Alcoholism is an ilness and it's damn too serious to try coping alone.

I wont go into the effects of alcohol as i have been at the receiving end of that, and i mean that in the least judgmental way possible, but unfortunately was a part of my life.....But i see you mention that you can not seem to get your words out... have you maybe tried to type your feelings and thoughts etc on a laptop or something similar? I mean that in relation in talking to a specialist. I would certainly suggest detox first my friend! Dont under any circumstances go cold turkey straight away! Like any drug addiction you will need to be weened off it over a period of a short time. Will depend on the advice given to you... But you have already started your first steps and that is by sharing your experience and pain on here! That is a huge step!! Now you just have to keep the momentum! You have enough things to contend with! This is one you can do without! Don't give up! it is not an option!! !!