Contact with parents

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Although most of my family thinks my father is a narcissist, I think he also has autism. Because he relates to others through his own experiences, which leads to him talking about himself too much. He missed social cues, such as when people are tired of hearing him talk.
He is slightly delusional though, as he tends to act as though he is an authority on all and sundry. If you talk to him about one of his expertises, he will not allow you to contradict him. He is NOT correct in all of these areas, which is why he is not permitted to contact me, and was convicted of trespassing at my house. He doesn't understand that his belief does not dictate reality. THAT has made him toxic to be around.

Life has been more relaxed and 'real' since he has not been around.

[quote="Brittniejoy1983"] Although most of my family thinks my father is a narcissist, I think he also has autism. quote]

I think this is the case with my father too.

I probably don't have to worry about taking care of my mother when she gets older. My progressive back problems will probably make me disabled before her. "Lucky" me!

If I interpret my dreams at night correctly, I do have a connection to my parents, whether I like it or not. So where I stand at this point is that I do want to say goodbye to them when they are close to there death, if that's a possibility.

I know some people like that, who talk and talk and talk about their own interests pathologically. I can see how it is a form of defense in being physically present and emotionally sealed off. By not allowing anybody else to speak, there is less risk of being found out. When somebody else talks, depending on who it is, the reaction is a power struggle or coddling until the attention is brought back to the original speaker. THe conversations in my home were mainly about "WHo Has the microphone?" not about what the person is saying.

At this point, I'm undecided about showing up to my parents' funeral. I'm just not sure I agree with my mothers sentiments about being a mother is the same as being a caregiver to my parents in their old age. It makes me feel like I was not brought into the world but into a dirty transaction.

I'm close to my mother still (probably always will be) but I've cut all contact off with my EVIL P.O.S father.

My parents are not controlling and we honestly have to help them somewhat--not financially but with some chores and things like that, because of my dad's difficulties with depression and what my mom and i think is likely undiagnosed aspergers. I don't mind that because they are respectful of us and our family's needs. They also help us out if they can.

I posted the following on another thread and it refers to my husband's parents and siblings. We used to live just over the hill from his parents and i do think if we had stayed there we might be divorced by now. They were not good for us--putting wedges of conflict between us and trying to play one of us against the other. We were young and naive at the time and didn't always see what they were doing. We have moved away from them and it was the best thing we ever did. We still can see them but it is on our terms now, not theirs.

My husband and i have some extended family who treats us rather poorly. Basically seems that, from their end of things, we are only good to hang out with if they need something from us, or if it is a gathering such as Christmas when everybody gets together.

We are used to it but it still hurts at times. The thing that doesn't make sense to us is that either they realize what they are doing and think it is ok--or...they don't even know they are doing it. They have told us that we "don't care about the family" when we do something such as staying away from the sensory nightmare that is a 3 yr old child's birthday party. (soooo....let's get this straight--we are ok to invite to something that we are supposed to bring a gift to...or if there is work to be done...but not ok to just call to hang out with?? not sure what is up with that. Again...feels that we are only worthwhile if they need or want something from us.)

We have reached a polite peace but are no longer close to them. I often stay pretty close to hubby's side during family gatherings because the biddies clucking in the kitchen are pretty loud for me. It is unflattering, i know, but i have chickens and the sound of women in the kitchen always reminds me of our chickens when they are excited about something. And I have had too many times of these women talking about me behind my back, or the conversation suddenly going quiet when i come in the room. I don't really trust them.

We get together at the obligatory times and i do my best to be nice. I think they truly just don't "get" aspies. They seem to think we are being selfish or just trying to make them mad. They flipped out over my husband watching a football game one Christmas evening--telling him he didn't care enough to eat with the rest. Football is one of his special interests and he thought it was incredibly dumb of them to plan the meal right over the game...so he took a chair where he could see the tv from the table. Wasn't personal to anyone, and seemed sensible to him. But i think it was a typical NT vs. aspie gap in understanding. We don't get together with them a lot anymore and neither hubby nor i miss it, at least on their terms. We do wish it were different, but we aren't kissing up to anybody to keep them happy either.

I have had a problematic relationship with my mother since I was around eight. Although I have not cut her off completely, I do have minimal contact with her and find that I have a more peaceful life as a result. It helps that I live over 2000 kilometres away from her. Things have been that way for almost exactly 14 years.

I sometimes feel guilty about it, less now than I did, mostly due to pressure from others around me who didn't understand, but also because I know she loves me deeply. However, our history is complicated and I do not return that love. As an adult I find her chaotic, anxiety-provoking, emotionally manipulative (I don't know if it's deliberate or not, which makes her even more confusing) and draining to be around. It is possible that part of that is an NT/aspie culture clash. Certainly not all, however.

Maybe don't cut off your parent(s) completely to begin with. Try minimal contact and enforcing some boundaries first. I think if you Google the subject you'll find some good suggestions. If that doesn't work, then consider going 'no contact'.

More generally, it is not anyone else's place to judge a person's relationship with their parent or parents. Very few people go 'no contact' without a lot of personal anguish or extreme provocation. It is not a thing done lightly and there's usually a very good reason for it. It's hard enough to do without having to endure disapproval from others who weren't even there.

I agree. Losing those attachments are really painful. It's tormenting to me. On the one hand, I feel really lonely having lost my family. On the other hand, I feel ashamed for having cut them off. It's hard for me to talk about my pain without feeling the need to explain to the other person what it was like for me and defend against disapproval. My parents were so disapproving I can't imagine somebody supporting me.

Physical distance is important to the separation process. Anything you can do to leave the house. For me this meant cashing $5000 out of my retirement account and taking the first housing situation that came along. I went on food stamps for a short period of time, got a seasonal job at a department store, and later an administrative gig. I started therapy.
I was still in touch with my parents then; last Christmas I went home. Back then and a few times, I went home and would ask for silence or no questions. It was usually my mother who broke the silence or started asking me questions. It was really hard for me to ask for silence or refrain from answering her questions like I was committing a crime or something.

Later on, I decided it was better for me to ask for no contact. I'm very depressed now and it makes it easy for me to doubt myself. But the distance has helped me to recognize my own sadness and not live in vigilant state of protecting the outward appearance of my family by faking a life.

I hear you--nodding, nodding--even with limited contact it is hard. Sometimes i wish they would just explode and get it over with, instead of walking on eggshells around us. I get the impression they are bending over backward not to offend us (actually, i was told by one of hubby's siblings that they do walk on eggshells around me because they are not sure what will set me off). I hate having that reputation but in spite of saying "i am not that hard to get along with--try just being direct" the reputation persists. And they are not direct--still trying to "be polite" and set a good example for me so i will learn how to be polite. I do think our situation is a NT/aspie culture divide because neither hubby nor i can get his family to understand our responses. One brother in law (hubby's sister's husband) talks to us and gets our point of view--but in talking to his mom, i think his mom is a little aspie herself so my guess is that he has been initiated into the aspie club from the beginning.

It never feels good to me when I feel like people are ignoring what I am asking from them and then go on to behave as though they are model citizens.

This is a lot like the way my family would treat me, and my father stated before that they "worked around me" which made me feel like a giant interference. I don't believe either of my parents ever asked me how I felt about something and tried to accommodate my feelings or work around my feelings. I think they just generally thought there was something wrong with me and did their best to correct me. I need some help overcoming this one.

Now, when I have an impulse to do something, whether it be read an article about the cost of a Thanksgiving meal or lookup something about Chopin, I feel like it's coming from a wrong impulse and I hold back from allowing myself to enjoy it, like I could get caught any second. I look and listen for signs and noises all the time as these corrections.

Oh, Esoterica, I understand the feeling. We were in business with my husband's family for the first few yrs of our marriage, so we were around them ALL the time. They were constantly critical or just silently "walking on eggshells" around me. I was trying to adjust to married life and we were working 60-70 hr wks at the time between the business and other jobs; so it was all i could do to keep my head above water. I did not pick up on a lot of the signs that they were unhappy with me until the nasty comments were made that i could not ignore.

My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law were "trying to keep me happy" apparently...but never directly addressed any issues til i asked. Then i got the barest minimum of explanation and it centered around "you are too blunt and always get mad over things we don't understand." My father-in-law, being the family patriarch, would then launch into "these are all the things that are wrong with you" from my talking too much, "hurting people's feelings" (never mind how my feelings were hurt and i had no idea that i hurt anybody's feelings because i loved them all and would never have hurt anyone intentionally).

My hubby tried to please his parents from the time he was a kid and never could quite succeed either. It was not for lack of trying. But they were always critical of who he was, as a person. His special interests were always termed a "waste of time" and he was pressed into a mold of what he should be doing instead. How can you overcome that? Then when they disapproved of his wife, it was one other thing he could never do right. Needless to say, his family did not succeed in "fixing" either of us.

Best thing we ever did was to put some space between us and them. In time we have removed our standards from theirs and no longer feel we are "misbehaving" when we do things they would disapprove of or think a waste of time. But it took time--years in fact--for me to get some confidence. There are so many things that are not right or wrong--just a matter of preference.

Right down to my sister-in-law's making fun of my enjoyment of nerdy pursuits like nonfiction and history books. The double standard is that she can make a long speech about how she hated Williamsburg VA and couldn't stand one more history museum. This sister-in-law loaned me a stupid female fiction book full of psychological drama that was supposed to be informative about Huntington's disease (her husband has Huntington's and i am all for informing myself about this stuff). So i borrowed the book and tried to read it. But this book was impossible--there was so much drama and very little information interspersed--what information there was I could barely decipher in amongst the "so-and-so felt the most devastating blow to her psyche...blahblahblah...etc." I struggled more-or-less politely through the first 2 chapters but couldn't do it anymore and asked if she had something with real information. I got the "this is what we put up with from her" look although my comment was no more offensive than her rant about Williamsburg (which i thought was in very poor taste because the trip had been a gift to their family from someone after finding out that her husband was ill). So who is the rude one?

Ok, i will stop ranting. I am sorry, i thought i was so over all of this.

I hope you can do the same in time and enjoy the things that make you happy. It is ok to enjoy things and it is ok to be a nerd. I can't get the double standard but it hurts my feelings at times. I try to be classy when i must disagree with them but it doesn't seem to matter to them. They still don't get it and i have kind of given up on it ever happening. So we will just be us and enjoy our own special interests.

The best thing I ever did at fifty plus was put 300 miles between me and my parents they are fine and I am doing much better I should have stayed away when I ran away as a teen my mental health would have been better my internal voice on a bad day quotes them
You I'll never amount to anything
You are as thick as varying from two short planks to pig hit
You are nothing but a big shout... Etc
What prompted me was when it began to effect my children

I live with my dad so we have contact on a daily basis. We get along well now but it hasn't always been that way. There was one point in my life where I was thoroughly convinced that we would we estranged one day. He's said and done some things that were / are deeply hurtful to me and I've probably done the same in turn. When those subjects are avoided, our relationship is fine.

My egg donor / incubator was horribly abusive and neglectful to me and that's why I don't refer to her as my mother. She threw that title away when she decided to mistreat me as badly as she did, as far as I'm concerned. She died in 2014 and I felt nothing but relief when I found out. Prior to her death, I hadn't spoken to her in almost six years. It was something I had wanted from a very early age (kindergarten age, in fact) and the best possible thing that I could have done for my mental health.

Some people find it harder to cut people out of their lives than others but my advice to anybody considering it would be this: it takes something powerful to break and erase any bonds that you may have had with somebody. If you're thinking about estrangement, you likely have (a) very good reason(s) not to want to be around this person. Lots of people will attempt to deter you from cutting someone off but in many cases, it is the right thing to do and will improve your life in countless ways. Family and friendship mean nothing when someone consistently chooses to treat you badly and never demonstrates any genuine remorse or effort to change.

This is difficult with me too. Even though it's a completely messed up relationship and always has been, they make out as if everything is perfect and so are they, so me wanting to limit contact is therefore something wrong with me, not them. They maintain this family closeness that is really just emotional manipulation. I'm guilted into staying (reasonably) nearby and seeing them every week - fortnight, when really, it would benefit me much more to be free to go wherever I have to to make life better for myself, not have to hang around for their convenience.
I think that is another legitimate reason for minimising, not exactly severing, familial contact. I am trapped in a situation that is not good for me, unable to move further away to better it, because they expect me to be accessible. That, I believe, is what the counsellor would call "living for other people" and apparently, isn't a good way to be.
I know it feels like a ball and chain, like I could make a go of things if only I wasn't tied down by them.

That absolutely was the case with me in both of the cases where I considered estrangement although I only followed through on one of them. They both definitely felt like ball and chains that were tying me down and stopping me from growing in the healthy direction that I wanted to go in.

My egg donor either could not or would not allow herself to entertain the idea that her actions were the reason that I didn't want a relationship with her and that it really had nothing to do with me at all. In a way, her refusal to acknowledge any wrongdoing on her part hurt more than the actual abuse and neglect that she put me through.

My dad is the same. Certain things that he says and does makes me think that there is a part of him that knows he's made a few mistakes with me but he'd rather walk on hot coals than say it out loud since that would be confirming it. He likes thinking of himself as pretty damn close to perfect if not entirely perfect and I think that's probably what his self-esteem hinges on.

Before my mom died last year in the fall I had not spoken to her in over 18 years. This was a choice I made myself when I left my mom's home after high school. It was no secret that my mom did not want us three kids. I think it was just during a time when abortions were super scandalous or else I'm sure she would have had one if she could. My mom never played with me or my siblings. Never hugged me, she kissed me only once when I left for good and on the lips which I found creepy. Everything was about her. I learned to clean the house she never would, do the farm chores and hide up in my room immediately afterward all night every night.

My mom was inappropriate in a lot of regards I won't mention here. She always had abusive alcohol boyfriends that we had to deal with either touching us or watching her get beat up. Then go bail them out of jail the next day, every time. She left us kids to our own devices. If we wanted to eat then we ate whatever we found - As I was young I would just open cans of stuff (couldn't read the labels) and eat whatever was inside.She was violent. She was small but would literally kick in your door. She used to terrorize us kids at night. I remember being in 2nd grade and being so tired for school because she came into the room and swiped all our toys/games onto the floor from the shelf and yelled; "now pick it up!" at about 3am in the mornings. So many things wrong I contemplate writing a book. Oh and she had her boyfriend at the time legally adopt me then a month later shot and killed him. So I got to witness that as a young kid. She never sought counseling for me but rather said it wasn't her that did it was commando snipers up on our neighbors roof. After his death we got $1000 each month from the Navy (Used to be a serviceman) until I was 18 years old. We had to leave the state immediately then I couldn't go to school for awhile because my registration would be a clue of where we were. My sister told me later that my grandma had to pay a $50k bribe to have something done, I'm not sure what that would remove my mother from any blame legally. We moved by aunts and uncles but then mom did really bad things to them so they disowned us. I looked them up recently, seems all my uncles and aunt died years ago.

So much to say but when I was 17 I got out of there. My dad you may wonder what happened to him. He divorced mom when I was three years old due to her craziness (pulling guns on him, getting him fired from work , etc) and hid out. He used to send me letters - I found some hidden while cleaning one day. I read them then replaced them. Later I contacted him when I got older but he was scared my mom put me up to it and that I was trying to get info from him.

Do I feel sad that I cut contact? Absolutely not. Everything thought/idea I had was "stupid". "Why would you want to do that?" I had one set of clothes she bought me from age 12 to 17 to wear to school. That didn't help how people treated me. She died in the fall and I always hoped one day she would appologise and want to start over but she never did. I was told that she was telling the rather small town I lived in that I was a crack whore too junked up in the gutter to remember her phone number to call her. She got checked into mental places and attacked wards, last thing before her death she committed arson and they put her in a care home that specializes in combative residents.

Most of my life I feel like I don't have anyone. I feel very sad and lonely. Specially around holidays or birthdays. My siblings are alive but mentally unwell too. I don't speak to them either. Although I feel lonely I never regret my decision to cut off all contact.