So I'm back... schedule distruption

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Even if you don't have much of a schedule that you stick to most of us tend to have our activities that we do and the process of moving outside of these activities to welcome a new one whether temporary, annual or whatever is hard.

I went to a convention this past weekend.
Had lots of fun even if I wasn't overly social.
My friend came down from MA, we cosplayed and hung around, lost of people took our pictures even though none of them really knew who the heck we were playing as. It was a good time but even though none of the people there was directly involved with me I still find myself so drained. Even though I had a good time, I wasn't too panicky or having too much trouble functioning I still found myself a bit testy by the end and really glad to get home and away from people.

This got me wondering.. Will I be ready to go back to school? Will I be able to get help alone?

when I'm this introverted, I need this much time alone, I need to pay attention to my 'obsessions' or 'get away's' I need my world, my structure, my way of things, ect. Adding outside stresses like, I probably need to go on disability for awhile, I need to get some sort of help even though I've been resenting this fact for YEARS and still do. Its so hard to swollow, the fact that there are things that I cannot do alone, that I need to LEARN because observing and connecting, equating and piecing things together from a distance isn't cutting it.

Its really hard to get help and as confident as I might seem I'm also pretty against myself. I get frustrated easily if I can't have power or control over things or if I'm imperfect. Ifd I show vulnerability. I automatically close up. I automatically pull up a guard, I disconnect, I cannot do anything in a personal station I must do things objectively or I shut down.

It brought up the most ridicules things too in my chain of thoughts and connections, memories of being commemorated for my intelligence but still slandered for my incompetence. Did anyone else get this in the past?
"I know you're smart so why can't you just f*****g clue in?"

Its just even though this event has been planned out for almost a year and we're already planning for next years convention it took so much out of me and we even stayed in the hotel for quite a good amount of it. I don't know, now that I'm focusing on who I am rather than who I am acting to be like I have for so long I'm realizing how bad I am not just my AS but other things too. I'm realizing how much it does distrupt me from grasping simple everyday things. How much it wears me out, ect.

You did some amazing things. To me they are. You actually spent a night in a hotel. I used to live out of them for months at a time. Long trips by car from state to state on almost a weekly basis. No way can I do that again. I'm working on it though, not that I have any need to anymore. See here's the thing, we're capeable of a lot more then even we think we are at times. Lesson number one in army basic training, you can do it. You don't need to join the army to learn it, but that little lesson was one of the most valueable ones I have ever learned. Where there is a will, there is a way. So, if I have have the real need to do a motel and a long trip, I'll figure it out, till then, I won't worry about it.

100% disability is a life style change. Not doable for everybody, too many money troubles if they do. It works for me, but then I don't demand much in the way of material things. Could I work? Humm, yeah, but I'd probably end up doing something pretty stupid. It wouldn't be too long before I did, that I haven't much doubt about. Show me a social injustice in the flesh and I'll go off the deep end, fast. Anyway, disability can be good till you get the coping skills back up, either by yourself or with a little help. I used to work long enough to get the unemployment, then recoup. I didn't know about this stuff back then, but had figured out what was good for me inspite of the label or lack of.

"I know you're smart so why can't you just f***ing clue in?"

Got that one all my life. Made school a living hell. High IQ, then why are you so bad in school? I didn't have an answer.

Good to see you again.

That's the nature of introversion,but you're "lucky" to also be intelligent;in addition to elaborate self-torment,you'll be able to find workable solutions.

I think all arts and creative work can form a "laboratory" in our minds to work through things like you describe.Do you find the acting and persona building of cosplay teach you anything about yourself?

When I was 19,my version of that was being in a band for a couple of years,fulltime.We even shared a house.I spent most of that time in a catatonic introversion,stimming and chain-smoking and thinking and hiding.I was also informally diagnosed at the time.I was unhappy,but I wouldn't have learned important things about myself if I hadn't been in that situation.I learned that I can deal when I need to,but that I also have more choices than I often fully appreciate.

Whatever is "different" about you will make some aspects of life more work for you than "normal" people.This is your life,use choices to your benefit.

"I know you're smart so why can't you just f***ing clue in?".I've heard variations on it,and it's just a stupid,loaded question.

Yes, I keep thinking for some reason that 'disability' on my "record" will scream "this kids a f*****g ret*d!" when people go on disability for many reasons from having to relearn new skills because they cannot do their job anymore due to injury to having personal troubles that they need to work out.

It does, make things frustrating. I don't gather information thats not feasible in my way of things so things often "slip my memory" because I see it as useless and why store s**t I don't need. I adapt quickly to new idea's and such but if they don't work for me at the time - I drop them. I still need to finish HS, health nutrition wise is still a little weary. My concentration abilities are now (though getting less so) limited due to the crap I put myself through last year especially. I can make it though, I tend to pile things on top of everything. Figure I can perfect everything in one day. I said it to someone though, I need to remind myself of it. If I reach the END right now than I die, if I reach the END right now and still live than that obviously wasn't the end, so than if I'm working to fix everything and march my damn way in search of the end as I see it currently disregarding any information that may improve this end in my theory and life I'm carving my own tombstone and there's no damn point in living after the end. Baby steps dammit.




The person I cosplay as is very similar to myself and someone I admire a lot. He is comfortable to "be in character" because he's real and as I said, we're a like. He's human, flesh and bone. Has flaws ect, and I swear he's so HFA/AS is hurts. Anyone that knows ANYTHING about Autism can tell just by watching him almost immediately.

Friend made a joke about me being his younger "mirror image" it was sort of what brought light to a lot of things as I grew an interest less in his music and talent and more in his psychology and thus found a lot of me - who I really was rather than what mask I presented. It was a good weekend because I was not acting, I wasn't pretending or striving to be something other than myself at all. It did and still continues to tell me about myself. For the longest time I would suit myself to someone because I was just a mess so I'd almost "consume" someone else's personality. Adapt to everything they were and became their replica in some pathetic attempt to make work inside the external social realm. He really changed it all which is odd because I've been a fan of his work for almost three years and JUST am noticing these things, I guess also at the point of my life that I was at it was inevitable that I was going back to zero. A bit of a nihilistic veiw but I do have my nihilistic beliefs, it seemed that was my way - too stubborn. Until I destroy myself completely I refuse to face who I am, maybe I am terrified of it. Angry and possibly frustrated as my vulnerable points and my flaws. My real deep flaws and inabilities. Lord forbid I'm human.

I'm sure this sounds crazy and I might regret talking about it but than this is why i usually post in this forum anyways. I have some pretty deep seeded issues.

Loss of Identity I guess would be one amongst thousands.

I know I'm capable, I know I have options and lord, I've been in life threatening situations so why is accepting help seeming SO MUCH more difficult? Because its personal. I'm ME this time not some card I picked off the street, not some character from a book, not some mediator or objective judge. Its my pride when it comes down to it. That sucker punch to the gut that I am so intolerable and afraid of weakness. Loss of control, loss of power, imperfections. Blah blah blah.

Thank you for the welcome back methinks and postpaleo, living from place to place is hard indeed. Taxing but shows you a valuable perspective and insight on the here and now. Life is no where near a basket of f*****g roses and you learn this there better than anywhere else. It can be real s**t sometimes.

I haven’t read a single word of your post
but I WAS wondering if you were lost
or something

:)

Agent...nice to see a post from you.
You are not a ret*d.
You are entitled to time out whenever you need it. It's part of who you are and you should never feel 'different' because it's what energises you.

xx

Thanks everyone.
its been awhile sense I've been away and in that kind of situation.
I learned a lot from it and I'm getting on better now.

Yes, but not put to me quite in that way. Every report card stated that I wasn't living up to my potential. I did very well in school, (until I fell apart at college which is another story), but I was still labeled as a student who could do "so much more". What does that even mean? How much more could I do in 7th grade? Read more books? Learn to play more instruments? Tackle extra assignments for fun? What?

That word. POTENTIAL. Such a heavy, vague, tragic word. Marry a man with Potential. Why don't you live up to your Potential? You have so much Potential! Potential, potential, potential, potential. If I keep saying it, will it begin to make sense?