Stimming as an Adult; Disassociation and Mindfulness

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I used to flap my hands. I know I did other things, but I can't remember them clearly. I have always wrung my hands or picked at my skin, hair, or nails.

Now, as an adult, I want to stim, but I don't have something that doesn't hurt my body (in the minor ways listed above).

I tried a rubber band, as a grounding exercise (I tend to disassociate in meetings with large groups). I ended up twisting the rubber bands a lot, mostly unconsciously -- surprised to find myself doing it -- and destroyed every one.

I've tried buying stim toys, but they can't be used in public without attracting attention. I apparently have lost my interest in chewing on things.

Not sure what an adult can do. I used to play with enamel bracelets, but even that totally distracted people in meetings, even when it was silent. I apparently have a lot of anxious energy, but no way of getting it out publicly - which is exactly when I need it.

I also don't find any stims that don't allow me to disassociate that helpful -- by this, I mean becoming zombie-like, with no thoughts, just staring and missing minutes or hours. I love that, and I fall into it quickly when I pick at my skin of hair, but I think it's bad for my mental health. I didn't know there was a word for that until recently, and now it seems like bad news. I've been doing a lot of deep dives into medical research on that, and it really looks like it's at least associated with harmful conditions. I've also been reading how people who escaped cults disassociate easily, and the kind of harm it brings to their executive function (the ex-TM community talks z lot about this in particular, and TM appears to overstimulate the DMN, a different pathway to disassociation than PTSD, making me wonder what the differences are between them and whether autistic shutdowns have any similarity to either -- it's tempting to see that there is, as disassociation is part of the early stages of my shutdowns and I believe they are my mind attempting to protect me from stressful situations). So I want to stop it, as pleasant as it is.

Now I focus on mindfulness techniques instead of stimming...but I'm getting confused about what is best for myself. The mindfulness techniques do help with avoiding shutdowns, but they take a lot of discipline.

I often wonder what I expect to get by posting here. I am not great at social interaction, and anything I reply here is a calculated politeness I force myself to go out of a feeling of obligation amid feelings of anxiety and a touch of terror. If someone writes back, I have to think of a way to show my gratitude, even if what they wrote missed my point (which could equally be my fault in not being clear). But it's actually just shy of physically painful for me to write the response. I get a rush of fear just thinking about it.

If no one responds, I'll continue to assume I'm not really valued in this world, a learned response from my childhood but which is counter-factual to the fairly nice life I have now (and overemphasizes this forum's role in my social life). But I can't help it.

But despite all that, I just want answers. No one can understand but my peers.

I do a coin roll across my knuckles palm up or palm
Down.

I pick at the skin around my cuticles, but in public I try to get my fidgeting fix by rubbing my thumb and index finger off each other. I haven't dissociated in a while, but for a long time it was one of my responses to stressful situations. Mindfulness helps for sure, but as you say it takes regular practice to feel the benefits.

I did the thumb rubbing on the index finger thing with both hands as a child. I'd forgotten all about that. By the age of ten I'd developed callouses on each hand where they rubbed.

I've recently been using Sculpey modeling clay to roll around in my hands while talking to people. It seems to do what I need it to.

Following this thread - I really need to find less obnoxious ways to stim at work. (No one says anything, but I'm sure my leg jiggling, tongue clicking, nail biting, etc. annoy those around me.) My efforts at stopping nail biting many years ago morphed into lip chewing, which is even worse.

Playing with pens doesn't work for me anymore, but I know it's something NTs do and is considered pretty mainstream. Have you tried that? You can bite them and jiggle them and no one seems to care.

For years, I knitted, and that was great...but you can't do it at meetings. Also, I got hand cramps so I had to stop.

The clay I use (http://www.sculpey.com/) fits in the palm of my hand and I get a color that is nonobtrusive, and just roll it around or stretch it. If people notice, they don't comment on it. So far people have thought it was a rock or an eraser (but it's way more fun than that!). At an all-day meeting recently I just starting handing people nearby a piece and they really got into making stuff themselves.

Bracelets can work, and so can keychains (and rubber bands, if you don't break them right away, like I do). This site has some that are normal looking (and some not): http://www.stimtastic.co/stim-toys/

I really loved this one until I broke it: http://fidgetland.com/

This one has an interesting approach to figuring out what works for you (and therefore what normal looking object you can hack): http://fuckyeahstimming.tumblr.com/types

Do you have something you want to try?

I just wanted to say that I value this post - and you for sharing it - because I relate to it. I know I would benefit from finding some stims that regulate me but are not self-harming, and stop disassociating.

_________________
31st of July, 2013
Diagnosed: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Auditory-Verbal Processing Speed Disorder, and Visual-Motor Processing Speed Disorder.

Weak Emerging Social Communicator (The Social Thinking-­Social Communication Profile by Michelle Garcia Winner, Pamela Crooke and Stephanie Madrigal)

"I am silently correcting your grammar."

Thanks for posting this thread. I've just recently discovered that I'm aspie/ASD,and I can't explain how surreal it is to find this group of people struggling with all this stuff I've struggled my whole life. It's like coming home to a place that I'm not sure I want to be, but somehow still feels right. If that make any effing sense.

OK, sculpey (polymer clay) has been great. So has doodling. But both draw attention, although I am starting to care less about that. If you roll a small ball of polymer clay in the cup of your hand, actually...very few people notice. But it can leave a mess on your hands, and after a while, the clay sort of gets dry and less fun.

I'm interested now in trying out spinner rings. This is one I want to get: http://www.critsuccess.com/index.php/shop/dice-rings/futhark-dice-ring.html

I'm curious to see if it will work out, while still remaining subtle. I have thoroughly worn out my ultimate fidget (https://www.amazon.com/The-Sensory-University-ULTIMATE-FIDGET/dp/B0019648V6)

Anyone have anything else they've tried in an office setting?

SPINNING RING FOR THE WIN!

This is awesome. I can stim whenever I want and no one notices. I totally recommend this.

I use playing cards. I don't play cards very often, but just the feeling of them in my hands and shuffling them. I used to think it was weird, but now I know better. And for what it is worth I have my trusty old deck of cards with me now.

I have a problem stim where I twirl my hair repetitively until some falls out, which l know grosses people out in public. Now when I'm out I use zippers, it does a good job of keeping my hand off my hair. I just run the zipper of my jacket up and down. The zipping sound and feeling is calming and satisfying to me. I know it might look a lil weird to some people, but it's better than twirling my hair like a psycho and leaving hair everywhere I go.

Since I posted earlier about the cards, its hit me I have a few others. I flap some bit most of the time I just keep my hands busy. At least thats what I've noticed.

This is what I do with my zipper.