I don't have much to say, other than that I am very similar to you, by the sound of it. I have come over time not to feel my politeness is something imposed or built up out of fear, but that, while I am incredibly sensitive to argument or conflict, my sense of mildness and politeness is really probably in my nature, and is not something to be ashamed of. It serves a positive purpose. Only, I wish I could stop grimacing and cringing at those moments, when I have no interest in communicating but feel the demand to seem not-unfriendly.
Anyway, similar to what you say about yourself, I feel like I'm starting to get a sort of reputation as someone unbelievably mild and dull, but who is prone to rare, uncharacteristic outbursts. It seems to make some people quite careful around me eventually, which, while keeping me at a great distance to everybody, does serve my own interests a bit, keeping people from bothering me.
I became tired of being considered a shy, timid person throughout life. I refuse to accept that that is an accurate idea of my actual nature. It is only what people have called me. Yes, uncommunicative, but I am learning to reject the idea of timidity or shyness. I feel now that it is a different characteristic to being unsociable and sensitive, which I am.
On the few occasions in my life I have reacted in anger or even violence where it was completely justified and even overdue, I have felt regret and empathy for the person I reacted against. This is only true when the provocation was aimed at me, though. Not so much if someone else, a loved one, was the target.
Internally, on the other hand, I am filled with strong and hateful reactions to inconsiderate behaviour almost all of the time. Only I don't express it.
So these are my thoughts.
13 Jan 2017, 4:42 pm
