Suspected AS-wife moved out. NT husband+2 kids stay at home.

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I'm just seeing this post and glad to read you two got through that rough patch.

I am 47 and just now realizing I likely have ASD. My husband and BFF aren't surprised, but most everybody else is. My own therapist said I am too "warm". I have been masking so well I've fooled myself. The professionals I've seen over the years didn't suspect ("mood disorder" I was told). It became evident to me b/c I noticed my daughter's more stereotypical "cold" type ASD and I got burned out at work which exacerbated my behavior (intensity).

My mom is likely ASD. My parents were frequently on the edge of divorce and my mom did pick up and leave a few times. My mom insisted they remain married despite her flight instinct. When we kids left the house she got her own apartment for 5+ years and loved it. She said she'd never had her own space. My parents are together again now but it's bumpy for them - neither are aware of my mom's ASD and downplay my dad's anxiety. As such, they both have unreasonable expectations of each other (IMHO). Kudos to you to noticing your wife's strengths and weaknesses.

As I consider my ASD, it's hard to consider my limitations b/c I want to be "the best" person. I am always reminding myself I'm human; it's hard to consider my limitations and ask for help. (Plus at work right now, I have a boss discounting my strengths and calling out my weaknesses. It's awful.) At home, I'm trying desperately to see my strengths (creative, driven) and not ruminate on my weaknesses (big reactions). My husband takes care of the kids as much (and in some ways more) than I. My mistake is that I feel bad about taking time for myself or to be assertive, but of course if I don't I'm that much closer to "meltdown". Just figuring it out myself.

"She shack" is trending now. Has your wife established one?

Yes, that: her own room (not separate residence), a space she can go to. In the USA upper to middle class men have long had "man caves" (their own space) for hobbies or alone time, and now "she shacks" (a space for a woman) is becoming popular. It's not really a shack, just a space --- I take it the alliteration is appealing. Although for people with discretionary income and land, it probably is a real shack. I don't have one, but then I just hear the term for the first time last week.

Well, my wife actually doesn't even insist on her she-shack anymore. She just wants to have space and piece when she does her Yoga and when she needs some time alone. For that purpose we clear out our the living room, stay out of her way during her yoga. When she needs time-alone she goes to bedroom which we seal so no "intruders" can come in. But, as I said, we will try to create her very own room. It will take a while because we need to build an attachment to our home, but we will do so.

MarkP, the story of you and your wife is so cheering up
I know you and your wife have been through really hard time but it's so good to hear of you genuinely loving each other and willing to work through all the trouble and misunderstandings.
My best wishes for both of you

MarkP, I am really pleased for you and her, and the rest of your family. I'm glad you have been open to suggestions and are now more aware of what has been happening. I'm glad you have reached a better understanding. I'm sure she will cope much better with the space you are already giving her (which is excellent, keep that up) and having her own room to recuperate in also. Also, you're very welcome. If you need to come back and ask for more advice from here, do not hesitate.

My partner offered to make me a room where I can retreat to with drawing studio next to my computer but I declined cause when I'm home I like to be with him even though when we are both on computers we don't talk much though we play a lot of games together.

I'm really glad things are working out for you two Mark You've done a lot to figure out what's going on & to learn how to deal with it & adapt. I really wish more NT partners in relationships with Aspies were like you. From what I've seen in the L&D section & other sections of this forum there tends to be two main types of NTs who get in relationships with Aspies(at least posted a lot on this forum anyways). The NT is very critical of the Aspie & doesn't really try to understand & accommodate & resents the Aspie for not being normal. Or the NT does everything they can to make the relationship work while the Aspie is a total jerk or a$$hole who doesn't really care to put forth any effort into tying to compromise or accommodate their partner & the NT uses Aspergers as an excuse to justify their partner's abuse(in some cases the partner likely is not an Aspie & the NT is looking for a reason to believe that their partner isn't really a bad person; & in other cases their partner is likely an Aspie who dealt with having a rough life or childhood by becoming selfish & wanting everything on their terms). It's a shame I don't read about many stories like yours Mark where you both put forth effort into trying to understand & make things work by finding ways to compromise.

I'm a little late to the party but the story resonated with me deeply. I have a wife of 6 years and we've known each other for nearly 15. No children.

I'm a diagnosed aspie with a self-defense mechanism to rebel and run away from situations which seem unsustainable. In many ways this has helped me a great deal as I refused to give into the symptoms that accompany asperger's. When I was diagnosed 15 years ago with depression and anxiety disorder I didn't submit to a lifelong prescription of anti-depressants and benzo's and in my eyes this was a very good thing. I wasn't going to submit to the opinion of some authoritative doctor. When in school a teacher would tell me I was a menace or a bad person I'd reject them and their opinion altogether and this helped me maintain a healthy ego. I read the stories here of so many who lacked that rebellion mechanism and it seems they have had a much more difficult journey.

My wife and I started family therapy prior to me getting individual help and that was a big mistake in our case. The nature to rebel and to disagree with anyone telling me what I "need" to do caused some pretty serious setbacks and created a very uncomfortable level of personal stress. I was unable to talk to anyone for 5 days after one session and it was then I put my foot down and refused to go until I had my own personal support system in place.

I say this because a positive diagnosis can help your wife and that the methods for improving an NT/NT relationship don't always work with an ND is involved. And reading how your wife has that rebellion/run away aspect about her that family therapy could be incredibly difficult. My wife is incredibly intelligent but she (and our therapist) needed a lot of instruction on how to approach me and simply knowing that we are an ND/NT relationship was not enough to get the necessary understanding to make progress.

I do feel the AS individual needs time and guidance to understand that the lens they've been seeing the world through their entire life was a lens that didn't fit and in order to find peace, reduce depression and anxiety, that they need to take the personal time needed to readdress their areas of quirkiness. I had a nice meditation practice I started nearly 20 years ago to basically reprogram my brain to be better at certain challenges without knowing that I had asperger's. Some of it was helpful but some of it has created formulas in my brain that cause it to act a certain way that is helpful for me personally but detrimental to those who I live with. These were all fine mechanisms when living on my own but now I have a lot of work ahead of me to challenge those and rewrite the script that my brain runs on... Had I know why I felt so different back then I would have gone about it a little bit differently and respected the difference in my brain instead of trying to program myself to act like everyone else... Now it makes me feel like I'm in perpetual jail but am excited to rewrite all of that and come out a more free person.