The hurtful things people say...

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Sorry in advanced if this ends up being a long post. I'm just so angry and hurt right now.

For most of my life I have been someone who has held strong opinion, particularly about the few things in life I care about. But I have learned through some pretty horrific life experiences that it is in my own best interest not to share 99% of my opinions if I want to live in peace and harmony (and OMG do I). I know many will say that it is wrong to stay silent to keep the peace but I think it depends on what your priorities are. When I was younger my priority was being heard and being understand. After over 50 years of this I finally realised that people can only meet you where they are. People will NOT understand me, and people will not "hear" me, if they don't have a similar shared life experience. So I stay quiet.

Just a little bit ago, I was sharing a story with my husband of over 20 years about a person who had made a comment about something that I am passionately against. I told him that it took every ounce of energy I had not to comment, and he said in a very rude, offensive, dismissive way, "Yeah for you it would be". I was shocked.

Here's the thing. Yes, once upon a time that might well have been true. But I get NO credit whatsoever for the fact that I have long ago evolved past needing to express my every thought to every random person whom I happen to disagree with. I'm not even on social media anymore for exactly that reason.

Never mind the fact that I am taking strong Psychotropic drugs to "regulate my mood", which as it happens does nothing to change my feelings at all. They just help stop me from expressing my feelings. I can't even cry and haven't done so since starting them about 18months ago. I feel like crying right now. But I just can't.

I feel like my husband is still punishing me for the sins of the long distant past. He formed an opinion of me years ago and still reacts from that same place. Either he doesn't see the changes in me at all, or he is just projecting. After all, he is the one who is on forums all day long expressing every single random thought he has in a vain attempt to garnish some form of peer approval. I have almost no human contact at all at this stage. And I know that this all must sound like a form of abuse to some people. And it is. But there is a strong back story which would take me forever to explain. I have made my bed and I am forced to lie in it. But that doesn't mean that from time to time, I don't feel the need to vent.

Thank you for listening.

*hugs*

I don't know what else to say. It sounds like he's probably being immature and toxic, but I don't know enough to be sure.

Dad was like that. Would keep a rap sheet on you, and verbally abuse you about something decades ago - that you dont even do anymore, or never did at all.

I'm sorry to hear you're in a situation where even the person in your life who should be the most supportive, isn't.

I'm afraid I don't really have any helpful advice on how to handle this, but am sending hugs as a fellow crew member here.

He could (possibly) be a narcissist or borderline sociopath who always needs to be right about things, and seeks constant and unquestioning approval.

As for the person who made a toxic remark about the topic you're passionately against, I'm not sure if that was online or face to face, but certainly people often make very mean comments online because they feel they can be as rude as they like if they are faceless and sitting behind a computer screen. But some people are just as offensive face to face and sometimes it can truly be tough to just walk away without throwing something at them.

Thanks guys!! !

I wasn't really looking for advice. There's no much I can about it... or should I say, am prepared to do about it.

I just needed to vent. I don't often speak out in "public". Online is as public as I get. Whilst I don't technically have agoraphobia, I rarely leave my house these days.

I mean back story or not, I still doubt there is much that justifies the abuse.

And not sure you have to continue bothering with that bed, if you don't want to, but not trying to be pushy I know things like that can be complicated....either way still vent here. Talking to others online is better than no human contact.

You are correct. Nothing justifies the abuse. But I have made my decision to stay for my own personal reasons. It is in no way an uninformed decision. And of course it still bothers me. I do deserve better. Or at least, different. And I am eternally thankful that I have found a community that can understand me. I have never had that before.

I'd imagine it would be healthier if he'd deal with his problems since it seems like you've probably done so with yours.

SO true. But part of his own disfunction is the belief (or at least the behaviour), that the issue is with me.

Been there, externalizing one's own problems is a common way of protecting one's ego. I've caught myself doing it and I see other people do it regularly.

I tend to be pretty blunt.

People assume it's because I like causing trouble, but it's actually because I want things to be better than they currently are.

Though it's also pretty likely I have PDA and that does mean I automatically tend to kick back against authority and conformity, too.

Any chance you might have PDA?

I do sometimes have the self-awareness not to say anything, now, but it's taken a lot of effort to get this far.

Sometime in communication with someone we have a relationship with, we can get caught off guard. However, it can sometimes be useful to inquire further to clarify. In the situation you cite with your husband, you might have asked if he thinks you are as unrestrained as you once were and if he sees no improvement. If he says he sees no improvement, you might say, "That is disappointing because I have worked hard to improve in this area and could use some encouragement."