Family reaction to adult AS

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Those of you diagnosed or selfdiagnosed as adults:
What members of your family did you tell, if any? How did they take it, what was their reaction? If you're married, how does your spouse feel about it?

I have not (and probably will not) tell my parents or other relatives. I'm from a working-class, rural background and to them these kind of issues are things to be hidden away or denied whenever possible. I have brought the subject up, as casually as possible, to my husband, but he seems to REALLY not want to talk about it. I don't why. I don't think I'll mention it again.

i am from similar background, my parents and brother are quite low educated, although i am gonna gain PhD this year.

i tried to talk about it to my brother and my mom. my mother told me not to be silly, she thought i was trying to tell her that i am mentally ill. my bro tried to help me convincing me that i don't have it. he explained the traits i was talking about, trying to explain the meaning of AS, by our father's education. and i must say that that could make some sense but it would explain only a little.

well, i am adult, i don't even live in the same country as they do, i don't need their understanding.

silly or mentally ill...

yes, these are the two ways my family would be likely to view me.
As for which one my husband thinks I am, I have no idea. He is a little Aspie himself, so maybe that's why he doesn't want to talk about it?

I come from a similar background. I haven't told my parents about my diagnosis. I did tell a cousin because I thought she would understand and take a hint as I am certain she is Aspie and her son is majorly Aspie. But she insists he is "just a little slow in maturing". Half the family seems Aspie so I think they would revolt at the suggestion that they are not normal. Also my step sister has a AS child with various personality disorders who my dad thinks is a horrible brat so I don't dare tell Dad that I also have AS. Actually I think dad has it too, but he's very high functioning yet he has some extreme sensitivity issues.

Well, nobody undertands what autism, mild or not, is about. To tell people you are autistic is to present them with a problem that lies outside their horizon. So the unanimous reaction is to answer you, oh no you are not that thing, whatever they think "that thing"is. Something similar happens if you say you have some fatal sickness.

Very interesting thread, Rynessa.

I've just worked out that I'm an Aspie, about two months ago. I was reluctant to tell anybody at first - I once tried to explain that I thought I had dyscalculia to my husband, but he said something like, "Well, if you read enough off the Internet you can make yourself believe anything, can't you?" - but I was beginning to realise that I didn't want to go through the rest of my life being misunderstood and being the only person who understood why I was who I was.

Then I had one of those blinding flashes of understanding - I realised the reason my son had had the problems he's had is probably because he'd inherited Aspie traits from me - and I knew I had to tell my husband. He was actually OK about it at the time - looked at the quiz with me, talked to me about it - and I was so happy. But recently I had a hard time with something, and when I said "Well, it was a tough thing for an Aspie to handle!", he just mumbled and changed the subject.

There was a post on here where somebody said their husband puts his arms around her and tells her he knows it isn't easy being an Aspie. I wish I could have that, but it guess it's going to continue being me, myself, I. I sure as hell ain't telling anybody else, I can assure you.

I have no wife or relative or real friend. In fact I would hunger, long, thirst, want, yearn for someone to put her/his arms around me, and hug me tightly. But how is this possible if no one can understand how I really feel, what I really am, what my life has been all along? No Mother Theresa's hug would mean anything for me. And the greatest absurdity in our condition is the fact that, in the last resort, we are probably unable to reciprocate love. We need love desperately, but can we give love?

Only told my dad, so far. Mainly because
he shows a lot of the traits, and I'm not
really in contact with others too much.

He doesn't really buy that he has any of
it, but because of all the OTHER screwed
up things about me, 'tis harder for him to
see.

My "diagnosis" came from my family. My sister and my mom are convinced that I have it. I don't have a formal diagnosis, but I have a lot of the symptoms.

If I do have AS, I've had it all my life and nothing changes. I'm still in partial denial. I could use someone to relate to.

I can certainly relate to what you say. I basically get hugged only once a year when I fly 2000 miles to see my parents and grandma. I think the lack of any affectionate physical contact with others does cause me harm. I never have anyone to talk to either other than people online or doctors, but then I am paying the drs to listen. Since I last saw my family in April my most recent physical contact has been only a very severe slug in the arm at work from a very-Aspie guy who did that for reasons unknown to me. But it hurt! I have a lot of medical problems and stay in near constant physical pain. I can't help but think that pain my diminish if someone I liked would be affectionate with me.

People at work used to hug, but the company put a stop to that one! Oh I take that back I did get a real quick hug over a month ago from a lady at church. But what I need is loving bear hugs. I think drs or physical therapists should be required to give bear hugs to autistics (that want hugged). And I mean hugs, not tying or swaddling someone up. One time years ago one of my female drs hugged me. I can't tell you how nice that was. One of my male drs put his arm on my shoulder and squeezed it. I think that was his way of giving a safe hug because you know male drs have to be terrified of getting a harassment charge brought up against them. But it was nice to get the shoulder squeeze because he was letting me know he understands what hell I am going through and how I am all alone facing this.

I am in very much the same situation, even the distance is more or less the same. Moreover, I don't pay any doctors to listen. I've got used to it, I just don't need anyone anymore.

My husband agrees with my self-diagnosis. His family doesn't seem that interested in learning about it, and won't believe it unless I'm professionally diagnosed.

I have two brothers and one of them has also self-diagnosed, and agrees with my self-diagnosis. I don't know what my other brother or mother think about it, and my father is dead but was most likely an Aspie.

This is really depressing to read. I would quickly divorce my husband if he treated me like that.
As far as my parents go, they are just dumb. It's too frustrating to count on them. My son is autistic, classic autism. My mom's comments range from "you've done so well with him" to "you're lucky he was never severe" to "wasn't (your husband) saying he isn't really autistic?"

I've brought up my own Aspie traits and every time it's like the first time. I don't get an argument, but an "oh?" and the subject is dropped
I could tell them I adopted my son from Kalahari bushmen and they would say, "oh?"

.
It's at least two years that i try to bring to the fore the problem of autism, mine and autism in general. Asperger? never heard of it; I try to explain. It is like being gifted for music. they don't put you in an orchestra if you are not gifted for music. And our society is a huge orchestra (making horrible music).Or is like being shipped di China without knowing a word of Chinese, but furnished only with a dictionary. For each commodity you need you can find a word in the dictionary and buy some bread or get an information about a restaurant, but making friends? I was two years in American universities. Did I make any friends? No. The idea that you must have an istinctive capacity to read in the mind of others to really make friends, and that the others too must have some guess about what passes in your mind, doesn't pass from academic lectures about modularity and cognitivism to the public at large. So you receive only some ohs, and the subject is dropped.

Last edited by paolo on 07 Oct 2007, 5:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I attended college 4 yrs and made no real friends. Well a couple of class acquaintances, but not real friends. I managed to piss those two off somehow. I'm amazed when someone tells me they are still hanging out with friends from highschool or still maintain contact with a highschool or even elementary school friend despite now living in different towns. I haven't spoke to anyone nor for that matter even seen anyone from my schools days in the past 19 years! My own cousins don't even have contact with me except for one who I think is also on the spectrum. We at least email every month or two. But she doesn't come see me when I visit back home because she won't leave her house much. And none of my other cousins come to see me then either, only my aunts and uncles do. Weird family.

I can't tell you how much it meant for me last spring when two of my aunts and one uncle came over to eat dinner when I was visiting my mom and grandma. My uncle called his wife and said come on over because I was there and there was plenty of food. She actually drove over! I only see family once a year and takes 10 hours of flying to even get there. I don't know why rest of family avoids me, not sure if maybe they are all AS or if they hate me for being the bold one to move 2000 miles away. Perhaps they thought I abandoned the family?

quite frankly, i am afraid to tell my family, because their view of autism is 'rainman' and they cant possibly see any of that in someone who can talk and live a functional life. My stepmom knows there is a mystery to me that she has tried and tried to figure out. I am afraid that they are going to say that I am just trying to justify my 'lazy' or 'underachieving' behavior. Every time i think about telling them, i start to feel angry inside. I am tired of being misunderstood and would love my stepmom to know, but i dont know if she would believe me. She communicates well with books, so i could try that route. As far as sisters go, i think i would let Mom take care of spreading the word.