How to be a Good Mate to an Aspie Fellow

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Dear Forum,

I am about to marry a man who I am pretty sure is Aspie, though in on online test that he took at my suggestion he tested Neurotypical. I don't believe it, and here's why:

He is a loner. When I met him (online) he was in a relationship with a massage therapist because he couldn't stand going anywhere to meet anyone. And before that his only long term relationship was with a married woman seduced him.

He has terrible difficulty looking me in the eyes, and when he does because he's trying to please me I can tell it's forced and uncomfortable.

He often feels touching and hugs as uncomfortable and claustrophobic.

His face doesn't seem to know how to express emotion appropriately and naturally (not always). It's as if he's really tense and on guard. For example: I am asking him a question and before I even finish he puts his "confused" face on; I say welcome home, and puts a weird over-large, almost scary, smile on; I talk to him, and he puts his head down and squeezes his eyes shut, etc. etc.

He doesn't know how to use his hands, on me or anything else. It's like they're woolen gloves or something. He doesn't have any idea of how to improve touching me to give me pleasure, and he walks around with cracked skin and cuts on his hands and doesn't seem to notice.

He hates social events and only bears them for my sake.

He spends untold hours on the computer at the office, and more untold hours on the computer at home.

He is tired much of the time.

He says he has stayed with the job he has now and hates because of a failure to act, more than anything.

When I try to talk to him about these things as they relate to me and my happiness, he feels like a failure and gets down about it but does little to change the behavior.

He doesn't notice things. I shaved my p**** just to see if he would notice: Three weeks later, he still had not noticed.

He eats the same things habitually, and his diet tends to the bland unless I am cooking for him. And when I do, he enjoys it.

He does not touch me. If we touch, it's generally because I touch him first.

He is super paranoid of the world and people in general. If he can't find something, his first thought is that the maid or somebody stole it. And then when he finds said object, he feels guilty and like a bad person.


All this sounds like the mate from Hell, no? It is really frustrating, particularly the things that inhibit intimacy and sexual fulfillment. But he is a wonderful, loving, hardworking, honest person who has treated me better than any man I've ever been with. Is this behavior truly Aspie? Or is it Avoidance Syndrome? Or what? And how can I help him to be more neurotypical? Because if I can't, I am not sure at this point that I can really marry him....A lifetime of no kissing and orgasms induced only by myself? Is there any hope of behavior modification?

Help me, Forum!

He sounds very Aspie-like to me! I think you should really decide what is important to you in a mate. Believe me, he will not change just because you get married. Over time, he may learn to relax more with you and become more intimate, so I guess you just need to decide if his positive qualities outweigh the negative ones. If you think you can live with the negative ones then go for it. I would definitely think very seriously about how much you really love him! Good luck!

Deleted as may have given out too much personal information.

Therapy from someone familiar with AS sounds like a great idea.

Last edited by Mosaicofminds on 14 May 2010, 7:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

whether he's an aspie or not, you obviously know your fiance and aren't sure if he's the right guy for you.

if you're wondering whether the behavior is his fault, that's one thing. but if you're wondering whether you should marry him, that's another thing entirely. if you want someone more neurotypical, marry someone who is neurotypical. if you really want to marry this guy, you could try to communicate your needs REALLY BLUNTLY to him and see if it helps, but don't try to make him into someone he's not.

let me repeat that: don't try to make him into someone he's not.

no one should ever do that, to anybody.

Have you set a date yet? If not, set it a good few months in the future, at the very least, because you're going to need some time to fix that little list of problems.

If you haven't tried living together yet, I'd recommend that for a while before tying the knot, if you have no moral objections to it. Because otherwise it could be a shock how much more intense the difficulties will get.

Looks like he's VERY Aspie - those traits you've listed are almost off the scale. And lots of comorbids too. It's the first time I've felt much sympathy for an NT struggling to cope with an Aspie.....usually I just think "get a grip and stop worrying about trivial disappointments," but if I were in your shoes I think I'd be climbing up the wall by now. You have chosen a very rocky road. You must be one hell of a patient lady.

No, he doesn't sound like a mate from hell. Mates from hell are violent and unfaithful etc.

Can you get any relationship counselling from anybody good who understands Aspergers?

To all of you....my deepest thanks. Just being heard has been so comforting to me.

To Tough Diamond...yes, we have a date, and it's at the end of August. We have been partially living together for over a year. It's been very good in many ways, though I know that full time will be another thing entirely. I have decided that I have to control what is mine and make sure that I cultivate and maintain good close relationships with others. As retiring as he is, he has a great need for attention and it would be easy to fall into the mistake of just taking care of him all the time.

Katzefrau, you made me ashamed when you pointed out what I had written about making him more NT. You are quite right and I understand that he is who he is. I just want him to learn -- and I know he can learn -- to do some things for me.

Mosaicofminds, yes I have talked with him more bluntly and careful and specifically than I ever have with anyone. In a way that is one of the intrigues for me in this relationship: Years of therapy have helped me learn that I have the right to speak my heart about things and that my feelings are valid. With him, each thing I have to say generally has to be repeated lots of times to really be heard. Perhaps this is good practice! The trick is to repeat a lot without getting impatient, because the NT has trouble not feeling that she is simply not being listened to. It is really hard, my Aspie friends, to come up with a whole new way of interpreting human behavior. For us sometimes it's really like dealing with an alien, the rules of engagement are so different. You say it correctly, Mosaic, that the narrating of everything can be hard on spontaneity, particularly in bed. I do say "I need you to look at me", "I need you to hug me", and when I do, he does.

To angelbear, I love him more than I ever imagined I could love. His goodness is so pure and clean, and his devotion so touching and dependable. Furthermore, he's an excellent poet, has a wonderful aesthetic sense and, did I mention?, he's very good-looking!

Being with him challenges me to remain somewhat independent in this relationship. And, as a language teacher, I am fascinated by what he teaches me about physical cues in communication. That said, I am going to take ToughDiamond's approach and look for someone who really understands Asperger's to see us as a couple. My mate is really resistant to therapy of any kind, but what would help me a lot would be someone saying definitively after meeting him in person "YES, this fellow is Aspie and here's what to do".

You folks have helped me a lot. I am grateful to you.

Hope you find a good one. And if Hubby won't come along, you might still get something out of going there alone. He's probably not just being unnecessarily awkward there - lots of Aspies find they get nothing out of counselling. But some counsellors aren't very bright, so please choose carefully. In my experience they have a nasty habit of taking the lead when they don't know what they're talking about. Don't forget you're the boss in that situation. I heard of one self-styled expert who seemed to be doing nothing more than talking NT women into divorcing their AS spouses - even diagnosing them as AS when they weren't......seems that she'd once been married to one, thrown in the towel, and wanted everybody else to do likewise. It might be an exagerrated rumour, but please be careful.

If the counselling doesn't turn out all that good (or even if it does), you can always start threads here with specific questions. One problem with counsellors is that few if any of them are Aspies, so they can't really see it from the Aspie point of view. We can do that bit. Also, Hubby may be more comfortable with emailed communication with a counsellor....we're often much stronger with the written word than we are in realtime face-to-face encounters.

I'm almost moved to tears by your commitment to making it work. You must love him very deeply, and if so, I guess you have no choice but to go for it. As you've already said, you can't make him over, but that doesn't mean you can't expect some give and take.....I think all relationships are a compromise and it cuts both ways.

Dear Tough Diamond, I take your warning seriously. I had to search high and low before I met a counselor for myself that was bright enough to help me in my journey. Indeed I went through four before I found the one I've stayed with for six years! And I know that my future husband is very very bright, so he likely feels as bored and dismayed by the average counselor.

Your note about writing better than speaking could not be more on point! We fell in love via email, writing every day for two months before we actually met in person. Then we continued to write a lot. Even today, he wrote me a note because he knows I am struggling, and in it I find his true voice, the voice of the soul I love so much. Since we began living together, however, the writing has all but stopped. I want to change that because his "voice" is best heard on the page, and without the written word I feel he sort of "goes away" -- for me.

I am also moved deeply that you understand and can feel the commitment I have to this wonderful man. He is like a wolf in the forest, with the same need for solitude and the same passion for his small family that the wolf exhibits. Your understanding and that of the other Forum members has calmed me and given me the comfort of knowing that I am accompanied, and my gratitude is profound.

I am, by the way, a language teacher. This journey has special significance for me and I will let you know what transpires.

I'm sorry DoeRoo. Not my intent.

best of luck, whatever you do.

Your being so open expressing your fears but also your willingness to accept him and to communicate with him tell me you will do just fine. It may be tiresome at times, I suppose, but well worth it for both of you.

And you get bonus points for using that cool Yuffie avatar.

"Your note about writing better than speaking could not be more on point! We fell in love via email, writing every day for two months before we actually met in person. Then we continued to write a lot. Even today, he wrote me a note because he knows I am struggling, and in it I find his true voice, the voice of the soul I love so much. Since we began living together, however, the writing has all but stopped. I want to change that because his "voice" is best heard on the page, and without the written word I feel he sort of "goes away" -- for me."

I wonder if writing notes to each other again could help you communicate and also give you another, non-sexual way to express intimacy. I bet he would love to hear how much his notes mean to you and would be quite happy to start again if he knew.

I am a huge fan of love letters/email myself.

Your fiance is blessed to have someone who clearly loves him so much and is so committed to making the relationship work. Best wishes.

You said he took one of those online tests to determine if he's an Aspie, but the results made him out to be an NT. The only real way you and he will ever find out the truth if he has Asperger's is if he meets with a psychologist, who can properly diagnose him.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

I'm sorry DoeRoo. Not my intent.

best of luck, whatever you do.[/quote]

Es ist nichts, Katzefrau! Really. You were right, and I thank you for being a good teacher.

Thanks much for that advice. Would you say it's worthwhile? I could see a benefit in him hearing that he shares a perception of the world with others and that he's not as isolated as he might think. But do other Aspie's find diagnosis useful at all? I wonder.

Thank you so much! Indeed, this past weekend I suggested (in an email) that we start writing again. He got it. Good idea! Love letters are wonderful, and I thank you so much. You have a kind soul, I can feel it.

Gracias, Icecypher! Saludos a Aguascalientes!