Alone To Not Alone?

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Often I think I'm not meant to be in a romantic relationship with a man or a woman (I'm bisexual for those who don't know me), I was meant to be alone. Whenever I try imagining myself in a romantic relationship, I always remember the worst about previous relationships I've had and so it completely turns me off to the idea. I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but I just can't seem to get interested in the idea of having another romantic relationship. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have any ideas and suggestions of how I can get past this fear of having another romantic relationship? I want to thank you all for taking the time to read this thread.

TaupeyAna

Yeah, I partially relate. I'm not afraid of it though, just, it's not meant to be.

I think of almost everything through a lens that's been shaped by Buddhist practice, so sometimes it's hard to communicate with other's who don't share that grounding. Hmm... the fear is likely to be because you don't want to suffer, and emotional pains usually also bring suffering. That's normal. Pain is inevitable, but suffering isn't and we only suffer when we hold on to what we want, or try to push away what we don't. Pain is sensory information.

I think its especially hard if you have been alone for a long time. I was alone for 8 or so years before my last relationship and found it very hard to open up myself to someone new. I dont like change and dont like sharing my space and have such problems with theory of mind thats its very hard for me to join someone in with my life/plans. Especially after some negative experiences it was very nice to have control of my own life and do as I pleased and not answer to anyone. Im a very 'anti social' person and like my time best on my own so I was not lonely enough to be motivated to find a partner. Also being very odd and different meant it would be quite a challenge to find someone suitable or like minded. In the end what stopped the cellabacy was meeting the right person who motivated me to give up my 'freedoms' as he was even better.

So I think if the right person comes along they tempt one out of singledon. But I think if they dont its much better to be content to be alone, than 'starving' for a relationship like some people are.

Nah, you will find yours - all in due time.


I can't relate to this.


Take a break from romantic relationships.
Recap what made those former relationships so bad versus the positive things (focus on the latter).

Cheerfully,
Wallourdes

I have been happy alone but I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me because so many people want to be with someone and I have no interest. Then I wonder, am I going to be like this for the rest of my life? Yes, I definitely don't want to experience a lot of the emotional pain I have in the past.

Thank you LotusBlossom, you just described me perfectly while you were describing yourself. Many people in my neighborhood have asked me why I'm not dating and it's making me feel like something is wrong with me. I'm happy you found the right person for you, you're one of those wonderful people who deserve the best.

Thanks Wallourdes, I have been taking a very long break from relationships but it's very nice to read that I'm not alone in feeling like this. I suppose it is easier to remember the negative things.

no, Im single now like you!

It was not to be, my path is to be alone, but Im very much ok with that.

It's nice to know you're okay with it. I thought I was okay with it too until these people around here keep asking me why I'm not in a relationship. My family does it also, all the time. It's getting on my nerves and I wish they would all mind their business.

I know what you mean, during my 8 year gap, people were always 'going on' at me. My kids therapists gave me a really hard time about it and thought it was most abnormal. I expect for NTs it is abnormal but as aspies we have to redefine what is normal and I think for aspies being alone is very normal

Thank you LotusBlossom.

When I came to the conclusion that I have some level of Aspergers syndrome, it came as a relief. I felt free from having to pursue the same goals as everyone else. Maybe it is also part of getting older, but within the past couple of years I have become comfortable with the idea that I will never be in a very close relationship.

Every now and then someone asks me why I'm single and sometimes it brings back feelings that I should be with someone, but mostly I am quite comfortable living alone. Other people may think we should be in relationships, but if we don't feel the same, there is no reason to pursue them.

I assume most people want to see others in relationships because they would feel miserable if they were single and assume we do to. But if we were to tell people they should find a way to break up with their spouce and we would be happy to help them find a place where they could live alone, there would be little practical difference from their behavior toward us.

You have to live in the manner that works for you and not allow others to push you into a lifestyle that goes against what you need. Living alone can lead to problems - I sometimes go kind of stir crazy when I am alone too long. Having a room mate could help,but there are serious down sides to that too.

When it comes right down to it, you have to try to lead the best life you know how to do at the time. Other people can offer advice, but you probably have a much better idea of how you want to live than anyone else.

I guess if you want to get past fears of previous relationships, it would be useful to pursue friendships with no expectation of a future romantic relationship. (I know, this is a lot easier said than done.) If something changes and you fall in love, then that's great. I think the problems that occur in relationships are often due to misplaced expectations.

Of course take anything I write with a grain of salt. I know practically nothing about relationships, but I'm happy to pontificate about it nevertheless.

whatever qualities it takes to have a relationship or to attract anyone, i seem to have always lacked. i have only come to terms with this in the last few years. i am closer to heaven than i am to my youth, so it doesn't matter anymore. maybe in a future lifetime i will be normal. until then i make do the best i can with what i have.

I don't think I can ever be in one again.



I wish my children would call and come visit more often and I wish my health would improve. But other than that I'm happy while I'm living alone.



I realize now that a lot people see me as this sad lonely woman who no doubt has a miserable life because I have no partner... and that's not who I am at all.



Lately, I have been feeling a whole lot of pressure to have a romantic relationship again.

Living alone can have it's down side, whenever I become ill or have surgery, my doctors admits me into the hospital because they don't want me to be alone. I hate hospitals.

I don't feel lonely like other people do. It's pretty busy where I live and the walls are thin so we all hear what each other is doing. So it's already like having a room mate.



You're right, I do.



I know, I should try to do this, my psychiatrist and psychologist both encourage me to do this too and yes it is easier said than done. You're sure right about people and misplaced expectations.



You know more than you are giving yourself credit for Jagatai and you do know what it feels like to have Aspergers/HFA. That helps a great deal to hear how you and everyone else here feels about themselves and being alone. Thank You.

You're perfect just the way you are AuntBlabby. Thank you for making me feel like there is nothing wrong with me.

and vice-versa
i would have used the D word that sam wheat in [the movie] ghost said to express his love for his sweetie, but a certain radio blowhard has appropriated it for himself and removed a perfectly good word out of circulation.