Married to man with asperger's and need some help here!

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Lately, it's gotten worse. He used to have interests like music, and plants...but now, he has become obsessed 24-7 only with enlightenment and tells me to consider him a buddhist monk. He rarely talks to me anymore unless it's about some monk's teaching or book about it. I feel really lonely. He always says no if I try to initiate affection or sex but when he initiates it he expects me to always say yes and I can't because then I feel used. He used to be so loving, never forgetting to say I love you or kiss me before leaving and then lately I have had to remind him. It seems like he ignores me and avoids me. He gets really easily annoyed too at anything that I say. This is driving me nuts. I think he only does this to me, and he isn't like this with people he works with. How can I get him to open up and be interested in other things? He has also changed his whole personality and now we have nothing in common. It looks like a midlife crisis but he's only 34. I don't feel the closeness we used to have. I have never seen him be this distant and obsessed, it is only recently this happened. What can I do??

I think the magnitude of the problem you are describing is beyond the scope of what can be addressed in this forum. IMHO professional counseling is appropriate for what you are describing. If he refuses then you should go by yourself.

What you are describing is not a good way to treat a spouse, and being aspie does not excuse it.

When my wife says that I'm like that, I usually feel depressed. I usually cycle into and out of mild depression and when I'm depressed I just don't have the mental energy to socialize and keep the executive function going. Then when I'm a little bit withdrawn of course my wife get a little bit needier, which then start a "death spiral" that's harder to stop the longer it goes on. Finding a counselor that really understands AS/NT relationship dynamics would be a godsend to you both. Even if you can't find a counselor that's good with AS/NT relationships, you should be able to find one that can help you cope with him. Remember he is the way he is and it's not because you failed to do something or did something. You also can't judge whether he loves you or not based on his behavior when judged from a purely NT prospective. His emotional palate maybe muted compared to yours as well. if your emotions are a box of 64 crayons, his may only be a box of 8 so you can't always expect too many subtle shades.
Right now I'm on a low dosage of antidepressent which helps alot, I also take 1,000 IU of vitamin D which seems to help me too. At least if the vitamin d isn't helping, at least it not hurting anything and isn't expensive either.

I can see the attraction of buddhism for an Aspie. It cuts across conventional thinking and gets you into a place where NTs are at the same disadvantage. It seeks to reduce the chronic state of tension that many of us find ourselves trapped in. But it can also provide an excuse for wirhdrawing from life.

It's harmless (and may be beneficial), but the idea isn't supposed to be to make it a 24/7 thing at all. One guru had a problem student who meditated all the time....nobody could talk him out of it because he reasoned that the more he meditated, the sooner he would attain enlightenment. So the guru sat beside him and began polishing a stone. When the student asked what he was doing, he replied "I'm making a mirror."

A married person who flips so completely onto an alternative path is not really acting like a married person. I'd say he needs to be warned that the two paths aren't compatible, and that if he wants to keep his marriage, he'll have to get his special interests in perspective. It's not as if he'll achieve enlightenment any quicker by being all extreme about it. There's a set of questions somewhere which seeks to test individuals for "guru suitability" - the most devastating question on that list is "how does he get on with his wife?"

I know from the other side of a coin, being AS married to an NT wife, what you may consider as "talking etc" could well be interpreted as continual attacks by him, so the defence mechanism is to withdraw. You say you have to remind him to show affection, do you show affection witout being prompted? I know my wife loves to point out where I go wrong, what I'm not doing, and I guess in her world she's doing it all right.

Do you feel it's all "his fault"? My wife complains I don't initiate things as well, but last few times I had she's "too tired" or "sick" so I stopped trying and now I'm a bad person for that too.

There is probably a lot of frustration on his side as well.

There is probably a lot of frustration on his side - it's exquisitely set up to be a lose-lose situation, being aspie. You're made aware that there's something missing, but working out the detail of what it is is just as hard for aspies as it is for their partners. The complete absence of reliable ways to do anything about it is discouraging, too. I keep my hopes alive by imagining that the neurotypical world's understanding of and acceptance of "mild" autism can improve, given time and good information, but the evidence so far is pitifully slight.

Hi, I'm an AS woman with an NT husband.
What happened recently? Did he come under stress (work, family) or did you two have had a disagreement that you thought was not so important?
If you can't find anything that might have set it off; do find counsel. Couple counsel if you can get him to go.

Melody-S is right: being Aspie doesn't excuse everything.

Sorry to make fun of your serious situation, no disrespect intended! It is just like holding up a mirror, to read your story.

I have experienced this over and over again. I become completely obsessed with an issue and would even wake my wife up, early in the morning, because it have had some epifany on the study of Genes that i was conducting, as a hobby. Most NT's don't appreciate this level of entusiasm with narrow subjects and it may even frigthen them to experience their spouse change so dramatically.

My only advice is to let it pass. My interests are intense, indepth and extremely annoying for others while they last, but eventually they pass.

I agree with counseling suggestions, as I know from personal experience that this is ruining in relationships with women. In retrospect, my obsessions tends to be in "full colour" when I am feeling stressed or am having emotional problems of some sort. Then this indulgence calmes me down.

Not a good strategy though, so get him to couples therapy asap, but be sure to tell him that it is because you love and miss him, and not because hé has done something wrong. I Will bet you, that it is all due to lack of self-esteem issues on his part.

Best of luck!

I'm new to this site and may come off as cold hearted. I have the same problem with my aspie husband and i hate it. There is no excuse for some of the things he does ie: yelling profanities at my 14 yr and 13 yr old sons because they were being a little too loud, pushing our 4 yr old son off his lap because he doesn't feel like interacting with him "right now", yelling at his 10 yr old son for crying. I try really hard to understand his actions and when i talk to him i am straight forward and to the point....then I get yelled at. There's no emotional or social reciprocity.......having friends is illogical. I try to teach him what I need and even try to show him affection when he's not pushing me away. If he doesn't try to change a little bit, he will truly be left to fend in his own world. Another thing I must add.....my 4 yr old is autistic as well as his 10 yr old son.

Ask this question to yourself: who wanted the kids? Was it him, or was it you? If it was primarily you, which I suspect it is since having kids is a CHOICE and it is clear you wanted them because you have so many. I can kind of understand the disconnect from the children, it may have been something he did not desire. While the yelling and abusive behavior is unexcusable, I know where it is coming from. He is probably having meltdowns from the sensory issues related to just being at home with several kids and no place to escape.

I am kind of cold hearted regarding this as well. Autism comes with alot of sensory issues if they are not properly addressed, can make us melt down. Being in a home with several kids is a recipe for meltdown for somebody with these sensory issues. I would really advise him building a soundproof room or maybe some type of refuge outside the house he can escape to and be alone. There are also times we do not want to interact with people, we really do have to be in the mood, and this includes children.

You barely have an understanding of how being on the spectrum works, and I feel bad for your autistic kids partially because you have little to no understanding. You seem unsympathic and barely understand what being on the spectrum entails. You complain about the things he cannot change. This does not excuse him for yelling at the kids, but it makes you a rotten person for not being the least bit sympathetic regarding his sensory and social issues. If you were actually wanting to work this out you would understand this and make adaptations to minimize interactions with the kids he is obviously not that into.

My advice for the both of you is divorce, both for his health and your kids health. Because it is clear the kids are causing the sensory issues that are just going to make things worse for him and the longer these sensory issues continue the worse things are going to get. He needs to be on his own, and being with somebody so insensitive to the sensory issues, WHICH HE CANNOT CHANGE, which are associated with being on the spectrum the worse things are going to get. In the meantime for the sake of your kids you better start understanding these sensory and social issues because your kids on the spectrum probably have some as well, and right now you are cold hearted and unsympathetic regarding aspects of being on the spectrum, not the type of woman to raise autistic children.

Last edited by starygrrl on 02 Mar 2011, 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't want to get too much into this as I don't have enough details, but in my opinion you should seek professional help fast - that behaviour towards the children is abusive and by the time the effects start to show it might be too late or get too complicated. I don't know your husband and his own struggles, but I admit in this kind of situation I would put my kids first.

To me the situation is very clear. He is at that point near mental breakdown because the sensory situation with the kids has gotten to much. Like I said, I deeply suspect she is the one who wanted these kids, and he is not handling it well, especially with four of them around. Yes the behavior towards the kids is def. abusive, but at the same time I understand where it is coming from. Without any escape from sensory overload situations this type of situation can very well happen. That is why I suggested they need to split, I can see exactly why this is happening. I am not going to say this is entirely his fault, because its not, she is not exactly the most sympathetic person either. She is completely dismissing the sensory issues though and thinks they can be fixed, they can't, they are very real. Instead of actually understanding the situation and its causes though she is being viscous. The truth of the matter is he being around the kids is unhealthy for him and the kids being around him is unhealthy for them, and I think this situation is probably unresolvable. The truth is he probably has no manner of escape from this environment, so it is best they split.

I am not sure professional help is what she needs, unless by that you mean a good divorce attorney. But this family is problematic to its core, on both partners side.

Well, the situation is not clear to me and I don't want to make assumptions about who wanted kids (I can only imagine she didn't rape him ) and which one of them is more selfish or ignorant of the other's needs. Pointing fingers won't help any of them, they both need to take responsibility instead. A professional could help them see if they can make their family life better for everyone or not.

But I'm very concerned about abused kids as they'll live with the effects for the rest of their lives. It's the only reason I posted.

Being abused as a child, I definately agree with the last sentiment.

I'm very sorry that happened to you, I'm also speaking from experience. TBH I'm astonished how many people here were abused as children.

I'm astonished at how the topic changed to something brought up by a replier in the thread.


Back on topic: I agree that the "phase" may pass over time. I have interests that change periodically but even so they are completely engrossing during the time that I am involved with them.