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Living alone and loneliness

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Reikistar
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18 Mar 2022, 6:24 am

I love living alone and have for many years, but I still get lonely sometimes. It's harder at Christmas because I feel like I'm missing out (I could go to family but don't have a connection with them so so I feel more lonely there). I feel like I have so many conflicting feelings. I need space but also want company. When I have company I can't wait for them to leave because I'm in overload.

I can't imagine living with someone again. It would be too much. So I don't really know what I want.

Can anyone relate? How do you experience living alone and loneliness?



kraftiekortie
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18 Mar 2022, 8:40 am

I used to live alone. I loved it. but I did get lonely sometimes.

I live with my wife now. Many times, I wish I didn't get married because I liked (and like) living alone so much.



Reikistar
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18 Mar 2022, 9:12 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I used to live alone. I loved it. but I did get lonely sometimes.

I live with my wife now. Many times, I wish I didn't get married because I liked (and like) living alone so much.


I guess the grass is often greener. I suspect I'd be the same. Even the prospect of being in a relationship makes me crave my freedom but once I have it, wham, I'm lonely again.

Appreciating what one has is probably the key. I love my home and space and would find it unbearable to share for any length of time. I know there are so many benefits to living with someone too.



kraftiekortie
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18 Mar 2022, 9:23 am

No doubt in the notion that "the grass is greener at the other end."

Another pertinent quote, from the Rolling Stones: "You can't always get what you want."

But still....I do believe decent and moral people should be able to "have their cake, and eat it, too."



Reikistar
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18 Mar 2022, 10:15 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
No doubt in the notion that "the grass is greener at the other end."

Another pertinent quote, from the Rolling Stones: "You can't always get what you want."

But still....I do believe decent and moral people should be able to "have their cake, and eat it, too."


I believe the same....but I don't know what cake I'm looking for, or which would be okay or make me react upon eating it!

I'm leaning towards living alone, staying single, and getting my needs met in different ways other than by a relationship. But I admire anyone who's able to form a good solid relationship over time.



kraftiekortie
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18 Mar 2022, 2:50 pm

When I was younger, I was involved in a few "friends with benefits" sorts of relationships----they were sort of fun at times; but many other times, they left me with an empty and sleazy feeling.



kitesandtrainsandcats
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18 Mar 2022, 5:08 pm

Reikistar wrote:
I can't imagine living with someone again. It would be too much. So I don't really know what I want.
Can anyone relate?

Yes, have been divorced for a decade after a 6 year marriage and do relate.

Quote:
How do you experience living alone and loneliness?

Right now am too tired from the ME/CFS to give enough of an answer other than saying that a snese of lonilessness does happen attimes.


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HighLlama
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19 Mar 2022, 3:55 am

Reikistar wrote:
I love living alone and have for many years, but I still get lonely sometimes. It's harder at Christmas because I feel like I'm missing out (I could go to family but don't have a connection with them so so I feel more lonely there). I feel like I have so many conflicting feelings. I need space but also want company. When I have company I can't wait for them to leave because I'm in overload.

I can't imagine living with someone again. It would be too much. So I don't really know what I want.

Can anyone relate? How do you experience living alone and loneliness?


I relate a lot to all that. I love living alone and find it pretty necessary. I do get lonely, but try to keep up regular contact with my few friends, within the limits I desire. For example, I usually hike once a month with one friends. It's nice having that time and having a semi-regular schedule. I also have a job with tons of interaction, which I find increasingly distressing, so I crave a lot of alone time when I'm not at work. For me, the problem is too much unwanted interaction, which prevents more of the interaction I desire.

I don't really get lonely on the holidays, but I've never liked them, either. I think if I do feel lonely then, it's because of social pressure--not because of my real wants or needs. It's easy sometimes to feel we should live an NT lifestyle, because our whole lives we've been given their view of being (love, work, hobbies, etc.). I just try to stay in touch with my feelings and ask why I have them, to see if they're legitimate or not.

Also, it's easy to imagine most people feeling accepted in a social setting on holidays, and it's so hard for us to find acceptance. So that can make you lonely too. I guess, then, we just have to think of how and where we want to be accepted, to work toward that.



Reikistar
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19 Mar 2022, 4:50 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
When I was younger, I was involved in a few "friends with benefits" sorts of relationships----they were sort of fun at times; but many other times, they left me with an empty and sleazy feeling.


Your actions clearly didn't align with your values if you were left feeling like that. I had a couple of FWB arrangements at different times, both of which only happened once each, but I don't regret them. I just realised afterwards that I didn't wish to continue and that was that.

When I said I could get my needs met elsewhere, I wasn't talking about sexual needs. I meant needs for emotional connection, companionship etc, which I can get from my animals and my friends. Lack of sex is frustrating for me and I wouldn't rule out a FWB again if the situation arose, but not right now.



Reikistar
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19 Mar 2022, 4:50 am

kitesandtrainsandcats wrote:
Reikistar wrote:
I can't imagine living with someone again. It would be too much. So I don't really know what I want.
Can anyone relate?

Yes, have been divorced for a decade after a 6 year marriage and do relate.

Quote:
How do you experience living alone and loneliness?

Right now am too tired from the ME/CFS to give enough of an answer other than saying that a snese of lonilessness does happen attimes.


Thanks for replying. I have M.E as well, it's very difficult to live with.



Reikistar
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19 Mar 2022, 4:53 am

HighLlama wrote:
Reikistar wrote:
I love living alone and have for many years, but I still get lonely sometimes. It's harder at Christmas because I feel like I'm missing out (I could go to family but don't have a connection with them so so I feel more lonely there). I feel like I have so many conflicting feelings. I need space but also want company. When I have company I can't wait for them to leave because I'm in overload.

I can't imagine living with someone again. It would be too much. So I don't really know what I want.

Can anyone relate? How do you experience living alone and loneliness?


I relate a lot to all that. I love living alone and find it pretty necessary. I do get lonely, but try to keep up regular contact with my few friends, within the limits I desire. For example, I usually hike once a month with one friends. It's nice having that time and having a semi-regular schedule. I also have a job with tons of interaction, which I find increasingly distressing, so I crave a lot of alone time when I'm not at work. For me, the problem is too much unwanted interaction, which prevents more of the interaction I desire.

I don't really get lonely on the holidays, but I've never liked them, either. I think if I do feel lonely then, it's because of social pressure--not because of my real wants or needs. It's easy sometimes to feel we should live an NT lifestyle, because our whole lives we've been given their view of being (love, work, hobbies, etc.). I just try to stay in touch with my feelings and ask why I have them, to see if they're legitimate or not.

Also, it's easy to imagine most people feeling accepted in a social setting on holidays, and it's so hard for us to find acceptance. So that can make you lonely too. I guess, then, we just have to think of how and where we want to be accepted, to work toward that.


Thanks for your reply. I do have good friends and wish I could see them more. Once a month would probably be ideal for me as well. I can't be active but lunches out are good. Christmas is quite triggering for me because of my upbringing as well as social pressure - I feel like everyone else has loving families and not me. I can go down that rabbit hole very fast so I try not to. You're totally right that we feel we should be leading a NT lifestyle when that might not actually be what we want or need, only what we think we should. I'm definitely going to try and think about what I want and need and where I want to be accepted in life. Thank you.



kitesandtrainsandcats
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19 Mar 2022, 6:38 am

Reikistar wrote:
I have M.E as well, it's very difficult to live with.

Aw man, wish you didn't have this crap. Yeah, um, I simply do not have the energy to do a relationship.
And the there is the thing about how simply doing the living with another person turned out to cause so much stress.

I lived alone for about 17 years before getting married and have lived alone after that for about 13 years after that.

During the first round I was either in school, working retail, or both.
Living alone turned out to be a necessity for decompressing after working in a crowd all day.

I don't work now.

With the mess my health is now I mostly stay home. It would be nice to have some companionship, and help, but having someone living here would be overload and would get there fast.


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kitesandtrainsandcats
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19 Mar 2022, 6:43 am

Reikistar wrote:
I can't be active but lunches out are good.

Do understand that, am having creative writers group and lunch out today.

Quote:
Christmas is quite triggering for me because of my upbringing as well as social pressure - I feel like everyone else has loving families and not me.

That concept is understood.

Quote:
You're totally right that we feel we should be leading a NT lifestyle when that might not actually be what we want or need, only what we think we should.

Ya know, I'd not yet had that thought in such clear terms.


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Reikistar
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19 Mar 2022, 6:52 am

kitesandtrainsandcats wrote:
Reikistar wrote:
I have M.E as well, it's very difficult to live with.

Aw man, wish you didn't have this crap. Yeah, um, I simply do not have the energy to do a relationship.
And the there is the thing about how simply doing the living with another person turned out to cause so much stress.

I lived alone for about 17 years before getting married and have lived alone after that for about 13 years after that.

During the first round I was either in school, working retail, or both.
Living alone turned out to be a necessity for decompressing after working in a crowd all day.

I don't work now.

With the mess my health is now I mostly stay home. It would be nice to have some companionship, and help, but having someone living here would be overload and would get there fast.


I don't work either and go out quite rarely. When I meet friends they either come to me or we have a quiet local lunch. I get overloaded so easily too. I was dating someone until recently who was very understanding of all my limitations and was prepared to give me space, only do what I'm able etc, but it was still too much and my health has declined. I think there's some sort of link between autism and m.e. I have a friend who has m.e and two autistic children. My son is very severely autistic and has moved into assisted living. My dad and uncle were both undiagnosed higher functioning autistics or perhaps aspies. Not to say m.e and autism are the same as they're clearly not, but in my case I can see where the overload I feel may link to both. I get the severe fatigue, flueyness, aching muscles, heart palps, weakness etc, but I also have all the signs of autistic burnout and clear autistic traits including stimming which I did more as a child. I'd love to share my life in theory, but in practice I need to be alone.



Reikistar
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19 Mar 2022, 6:56 am

kitesandtrainsandcats wrote:
Reikistar wrote:
I can't be active but lunches out are good.

Do understand that, am having creative writers group and lunch out today.

Quote:
Christmas is quite triggering for me because of my upbringing as well as social pressure - I feel like everyone else has loving families and not me.

That concept is understood.

Quote:
You're totally right that we feel we should be leading a NT lifestyle when that might not actually be what we want or need, only what we think we should.

Ya know, I'd not yet had that thought in such clear terms.


The writing group sounds lovely. I joined one some time ago but I didn't have the confidence and it was a struggle to physically go. I hope you enjoy your lunch.



kitesandtrainsandcats
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19 Mar 2022, 7:12 am

Reikistar wrote:
I'd love to share my life in theory, but in practice I need to be alone.

Oh I do so get that.

Turns out Mom is my autistic parent.

Dad was US Navy's first medical retirement with ME/CFS, Fibromyalgia, and half a dozen other things.
20 years later they hit me.

And they hit so severely that after Christmas one year I pushed to the point where one day at the hobby shop I had been hired to become manager of, the brain fog hit so deep that right in the middle of ringing up a customer I suddenly had no idea what button to push next or what this machine in front of me even did.
And I was one of the 2 people who had programmed the cash register when we set up the store.
Am I having a stroke????

Don't remember if it was that day or a following day but do remember Doctor looking at me and saying, "Have you ever heard of some things called ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia?"

"Ahh s**t. Yeah I have, let me tell ya about my Dad ..."
:(

Okay, time to start the slow process of getting ready to go out to creative writers group then lunch.
One gal there could be termed a close female friend, we aren't doing a 'relationship'.


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Tom Mueller of SpaceX, in Air and Space, Jan. 2011