Just survived an enormous meltdown

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I started going into a massive meltdown yesterday, in front of a senior colleague, who told me I should really go home. And at home my whole life crumbled apart and my mind just filled up with senses and sadness and I wondered if anyone would miss me, really miss me, if I was gone. And I read the most important page on the Internet, old faithful, once again for the somanyeth time in my life, while just rocking and crying and trying to count the reasons why I should try and stay alive.

Then I finally calmed down. I put on make up, went back to work and gave some input to a very important but tough meeting that needed my honest voice and logical mind, unswayed by politics or concerns of diplomacy. I went back to work because I know that needed to be done, and no one else that was attending that meeting would speak only the truth and ask the tough questions, even if they hurt. As a person with autism, that is what I can add and although it is not always appreciated, yesterday it was needed. And somewhere between the meltdown and calming down, my ever so logical brain reminded me of that.

At most, people may have thought I was throwing a temper tantrum earlier on. Nobody knows what really happened at home. Except you guys, now. I am still recovering from the sadness today, and would probably for a few weeks, but I feel stronger: I guess we have meltdowns for a reason, sometimes we just need to let it all out, it is just too much to keep it all inside. And we feel better afterwards.

So this is how I feel today, surviving the meltdown and going back to do what needed to be done, these are the words that are going through my mind:

"I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children."
(written by Oriah)

Ok, that was a huge blob of sharing. Very personal indeed. I hope that is ok. Thanks to all of you for listening.

I don't know what to say except that I have been in this position before - having a meltdown and looking at that very site.

One of the best (and sometimes, worst) things about being an Aspie is having such a logical mind. I can use my rational mind to talk myself out of the deepest, darkest sadness and immediately feel better afterward.

Your post reminds me that we Aspies are so darned good at certain things - managing to get our over-stimulated brains into gear and working well, even when we've experienced the major stress of meltdown. We run ourselves down sometimes...but really we shouldn't.

Sometimes it takes a long time for me to recover from a meltdown. At times I feel like I go from one meltdown to another. Lately it's been like that because there is so much going on in my life. So many changes. I had a really bad meltdown yesterday which lasted until this morning. I'm now finally beginning to see that it doesn't mean it's always going to be bad. Positive things can come of it. Instead of reading so much into it, I need to see it for what it is and the specific reason I had it. I can't solve all life's problems in one day. I really need to focus on the good more.

Old faithful is a wonderful link. Thank you. I didn't realize it was an actually link. So, like an idiot I googled 'old faithful' and literally went to old faithful.
Thanks again.

I admire your strength. It doesn't matter how many times we fall down so long as we get up again.

Thanks, everyone, you are all so encouraging and thoughtful. This forum really is a big source of strength. I hope I'll be there for you too one day.

I'm having a major melt-down too
I was trying to be strong and not let anyone know how scared and depressed I felt.
But guess it was too much to hold in and started sobbing loudly and now my bf is upset too. I feel bad about that too, I did not want him to worry about me. Just trying not to think too much.

I also try and hide my meltdowns. I think this thread is the first time I have ever spoken about it. Considering that this is the adult forum, and from the reaction it got, it seems that it is one of those things, after we have managed to slowly work through and hide the more obvious Asperger's symptoms, that just carry on into adulthood with us not having much control over it. I, too, am shy about it and my husband has never seen me have a meltdown and I never share it with anyone either, after one. But I need help, I know that. I need someone to know about it, who I can call when it happens, who will not be scared of it and who can perhaps just be there, outside the door, and wait with me for it to pass and just, I don't know... not want to stop it but help me not to hurt myself (even if it is just hurtful thoughts) while I have it. And someone to talk to afterwards.

But you guys are doing a good job at that last one.

Thyme: it is ok, you need to go through the motions. Just remember it will get better. I think it is important that your bf reads this thread, so that he knows what you're going through is normal for an aspie, as much as it is very worrying to him.

I think having a meltdown is to overstimuli/stress/emotional distress like being nauseous and bringing up is to eating something bad/having a tummy bug. You can't help that you are feeling nauseous and at some point, it just has to come out, which feels really, really crappy but once you have finished, brushed your teeth and gotten back into bed, you feel much better. And it is all over, just like that. I think that is the most important point we have to make to our loved ones: if we can get it all out, and if we feel safe and purposeful and loved afterwards, we are ok: we can go on. It may not stop the next meltdown, but we are stronger now, and will be more ready for the next one.

Does that make sense?

itw:

Don't you love how meltdowns always happen at the worst time, in front of the most important people? Then everyone thinks your crazy?

If I could have my meltdowns in the shower, or while I'm watching TV alone, and get it out of the way, that would be great.

Maybe in a perfect world...