Adults with AS, how do you find eye-contact?

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When talking I learned (a bit;) to associate a little body language with that.
That includes, looking the other in the eye for a second whenever I need to be convincing and gain the other's trust.
For example, if I say "... I can do this job because...", then I should look the other in the eye for a moment.
It isn't really about making eye _contact_, I can hardly tell anything from another's eyes, but it is all about the perception of others.

However, I still can't stand the eye-contact of flirting woman; it makes me want to tear her apart or run away.

Q: How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

A: He stares at your shoes when he talks to you.

Nuff said.

I was on the debate team in high school and I learned that eye contact got you good scores. So I adopted that, Now I do it in meetings or classes, places where I want to impress the authority figure. But I find that in smaller meetings I do it too much.
The funny thing is that if there is someone I don't like, or someone who has wronged me in some way, i am absolutely unable to make eye contact with them. I definitely withhold it, it is only form people I like.....but i am honestly not sure if that is a conscious decision. I have tried to make eye contact with people at work who make me really mad......and I simply cannot do it.
Trouble is, it only makes them madder!

hows that working out for you?

Hi,

I have had mixed results. I keep wanting to look up at the ceiling or some benign/non-discript object so I can focus on talking. I am so used to looking away that it feels like instinct to do so.

However, on the positive side, I can say that for me, eyebrows are a great thing to focus on. They are not that interesting (for me) so it helps me to focus on what other people are saying, but making them think I am paying attention to them -which I actually am.

I have to be honest... it is difficult for me on this. I will keep trying when I have to talk to people.

Oh, one other thing, through this practice of (trying) talking to people, I have learned that I have a blank look on my face and have given other people the impression at the beginning of the conversation that i am either in a negative mood or will be difficult to deal with. There have been a few instances of aggressive behavior towards me.... and all I am doing there is staring at them because they have my full attention.

It is really a challenge to raise my eyebrows (when they are not raised I look upset or angry), have a smile on my face, look around at things, pay attention to a conversation, watch my voice inflection and body posture, and verbally reply to the conversation. All that is way to much to focus on. Doing one of those things at a time I can handle, but add the rest in and it feels like a juggling act.

I'll keep going. I'll keep trying.

I am glad there is the internet to do some level of communication and business on. That helps make things easier.... gives me a breather.

I'm fairly certain that I do not do eye contact in the way that other people do it. And never have. I know that I tend to stare. Seems to get other people upset (or something). And I look (or stare) at lips when another person is talking. That helps to understand what they are saying. Just the way it is.

I agree. I find eye contact creepy, and not just with flirting women.

I can look at people when they're talking to me (though I usually don't) but not when I'm talking, because I have to think about what I'm saying and looking at them is too distracting. And when they're talking to me and I'm looking at them I feel self conscious about looking at them too intently so I sometimes look away, probably at inopportune times. I think I need to try to practice.

I find that when I'm watching TV if I look at the characters' eyes I find it more difficult to follow what they're saying and I'm much better at following the dialogue if I look at their mouths.

i would never look at anyone when i was a child and found it hard as in my teens.
yes now im 41 i always use eye contact. but i think i achieved this when i first took up martial arts and did number of styles for 5 years. eye contact was the first thing we did before fighting. so i would see thanks to kung fu i know have eye contact.

Other people trying to make eye contact with me makes me very uncomfortable, particularly if I don't expect it or I perceive their gaze as intense, if I look up and someone is doing this I have to immediately look away. Unfortunately the vast majority of people think this is an indication that I am trying to withhold information

The suggestions of where to look on someone's face to give the indication of eye contact in this thread have been very helpful. My main coping technique so far has been to bring something with me or find something in my environment that I can focus on during a conversation (written information, graphs, prototypes or even things like food, drink flowers). It helps allot if I can find something related to the topic of conversation, but it is almost anything is better than the ground or ceiling, however some people still find this offensive.

I have one brown eye and one green, and I have actually have a large number of NT people have exactly this reaction when they notice. I used to use this to gauge how hard someone I met recently tries to make eye contact. People noticing it is quite uncomfortable however, especially because the inevitable follow up question is: "can you stand perfectly still and look into my eyes, while I stand uncomfortably close to you and try and examine their colour?"

Every occasion in which this has happened has been a somewhat scaring experience, yet I have never been able to find a socially acceptable way to deny this request

I hate it that I can't make eye contact as well as I would like - and just as recently as this morning, when I saw this woman doing t'ai ji with myself and others. It is very frustrating for me with my inability to hold eye contact for an extended amount of time. I am in my mid-40's. I continue to have hope that one day this will change, and I can look at a woman better than I have to gain her interest in me.

he staring into space thing has happened to me. A lady walked into my line of site and i guess it looked like i was staring right at her chest. The worst part is that I got accused of the crime without having any of the fun of Ti.


Also, eye contact is hard for me. When i would get sent to the principals office when i was in school, they would make me look them in the eyes, which made me cry uncontrollably. One of my principals was a former police officer who, after i started crying, told me i was a brat who got out of troubleby crying and it wouldnt work on him. He said I was going to go to juvinile detention if i got in any more fights. The day before the last day of 7th grade, some bully went nuts on me. I couldnt fight back or I would go to juvie. Yet, at the same time i was getting beat harder than i ever have in my life. I bled so badly that i had to sneak into the locker room and put on my gym shirt. Couldnt go to the beach on the last day of school because my eye were blackened shut.

I feel a little lucky here as I in this part of the world Polynesian peoples only make an initial eye contact then only brief glances, as staring into someones eyes is seen as a challenge, however my Anglo/Celtic brethren see my aversion to eye contact as dubious. I usually am watching the mouth and I guess that is better than being a man who talks to breasts...

peace j

I was beat up in school several times by other girls for this reason, too. I'm a short, tiny person, so any attempts at my fighting back were nearly always pointless. Boys never hit me, but they made a point to make fun of me on a daily basis when I would refuse to even look them in the face, let alone the eyes. In the high school yearbook I bought in my senior year, I was voted the Shyest Girl in the whole school. Fortunately, the older I got, I grew more assertive. Eye contact is still a problem, as I can only hold eye contact for a few seconds at a time, but oddly enough it's easier to look men in the eye than women. With women I have to look at the bridge of their nose in order to give somewhat of an an illusion of maintained eye contact. I've been told more times than I can count that lack of sustained eye contact makes me seem untrustworthy. I've always been aware that eye contact is a problem, but at least now I can halfway explain why it is a problem.

E333

I have just been diagnosed at age 42 and I have a terrible time with eye contact. It is easier with loved ones but other than that it is actually a bit painful. I also interrupt other all the time and it's not a matter of being rude or not caring about what they are saying, It's more that my mind is always working and something with pop into my head that just has to be said before my mind moves on to something else. Does anyone else do this ?

AspieMom3

I used to struggle with it, but I am very good at it now.