The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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I'm a mush. I'm always glomming all over him. He's always glomming all over me. We've just always been that way. An embarassment to all around us!

DH (dear husband) complains that I'm not physical enough sometimes.

I don't notice unless he points it out.

My brain runs at hyperspeed all the time, so when DW often asks "what was that face?" and I have to tell her I don't have a clue because whatever thought caused it was gone in a flash. She never really believes this...

I'm pretty sure she can read my sad or angry face, and that is about all. She says my humor is too dry and she can't tell when I'm joking or being absurd.

Tell her it could be worse. I stare into space for an hour and don't even stop then unless dh tells me it's time for space puppy to return to earth. Sometimes I am staring right at him when I do it and he becomes very uncomfortable. Most of the time I'm staring at the wall or something.

hi, 18 years of marriage with nt (special one though, quite intelligent and a little stressed, golden man, very caring, a little rough(or explosive) sometimes but less than he used to be, goodlooking, creative thinker, i think he should write, he's got the skills)

nt, but not a very social one (he only needs me )
and still very interesting after all these years (no stagnation)
we have had dark years too

I was going to Google "glomming", but then thought, no, I probably don't want to know ! !!???

Oh sorry. I'm using ZandJ speak. We have our own terms for things. Means I'm always touching him (not in a bad way, geez!). Hugging, holding his hand, twirling his hair. He's very tolerant of my strangeness thank God. I can sit and look at his hand for hours. He'll just read a book and let me. LOL

Oh sorry. I'm using ZandJ speak. We have our own terms for things. Means I'm always touching him (not in a bad way, geez!). Hugging, holding his hand, twirling his hair. He's very tolerant of my strangeness thank God. I can sit and look at his hand for hours. He'll just read a book and let me. LOL

Whew ! ! THAT'S a load offa my mind ! ! Touching is "glomming". Got it ! !!
TM's daughter got married early on, and we went to a movie with them. (her and her hubs) Walking up to the ticket window I was holding hands, and whispering to TM. Her daughter pipes up "HEY, would you two knock it off!!" They don't "glom". They're quite NT ya know ....

Anyone want to give a thumbs up/down (or equivalent) to books, movies, or the like-in terms of perspective of those who have (or have had) "romantic"/intimate/adult relationships ?
Ashley Stanford's "AS & Long Term Relationships" was better than I expected, actually. "An AS Marriage", by Gisela & Chris Slater-Walker, was okay-at least both people in the couple were able (and willing) to explain their sides. Haven't yet read "Mozart & The Whale"-saw the film, which is probably not near as good. No idea how "Snowcake" will turn out-it opens this week in theaters.

Most of what I read or watch assumes the male is the dx'd one. Well, I'm female & dx'd w/AS-my partner is neither.
The things I read just seem so gender-stereotypical, and I end up feeling in the role of the female (NT) w/the male partner (AS). There are things about my boyfriend that seem autistic (these traits appearing more or less in most people-it's just a matter of degree)-but they are often considered "normal" for a male in our culture. There are things about me that seem "NT", but are also present in my personality for reasons of nature (genes & gender) and nurture (being raised in this society & the experiences I've had). So, I'm reading-and I start out trying to be on the side of the ASD person, but I end up seeing those behaviors & attitudes more in him than in me. I recognize more of the "NT" female stuff as being like me.
No, I don't mean I agree w/all sorts of offensive screeds by NT wives complaining about how much they dislike their ASD husbands, or whatever. I'm interested in examining the expectations for what's "assumed" about someone based on gender, and how perceptions & interpretations (of individuals w/AS) are influenced by these factors. I do often agree with (can personally relate to & identify within myself) the descriptions of sensory problems (hyper-sensitive to taste, smell, etc.), social awkwardness, and so on. Know my boyfriend isn't AS, though I jokingly call him an honorary autistic because he's male. I have the label, so I figure I can throw it at him occasionally, when it's called for.
Repeat: I've got AS but my boyfriend does not-though he's unofficially a bit OCD.
Wish I knew how better to word this, because I don't want misunderstandings & bad feeling !

we are glommers too (although i can't stand other people coming too close -unless i know them extremely well and i like em very much)

Staford's book is the only one I could relate to because it's written by a Technical Writer. If the books were written by female AS with children, I'd be lost immediately because I never had any so the issues would be irrelevant to me. Most of the books are geared to AS men, but I can identify with them more (and that happens frequently on here as well). I guess that's because I'm not nuturing or domesticated and never was. My husband is OCD NT and he fusses at the house and yard. I just live here and that's fine with me. If that was suddenly dumped on me, I'd get claustrophobic and leave. I know this because it's happened a couple of times with moves and in both cases, I got up and left. So his insistence on controlling every detail of the house and yard has actually worked well for us (and caused problems for his OCD).

I know there are some women on this thread who will relate to you. I've seen them talking. My OCD husband could have traits you could take like AS, but he's very NT when it comes to theory of mind, non-verbal and socializing. He's even empathetic. I've noticed he became more so when we got together, probably because outwardly I am not at all. Being affectionate with him was something that happened to me over time...a LONG time. Thankfully, he's logical enough to work his way through that and figured out long before AS was even re-discovered by Wing that it was my brain acting different and he worked around it.

I don't know how much you will relate to Mozart and the Whale. I could for me, but not at all for him. He was nothing like my husband who controlled everything about our relationship. I kind of went along. The movie caused a major disconnect for me in that respect because she was more the aggressive one. I couldn't relate to that at all.

To be honest though, I don't think your relationship is unusual for AS women/NT men. I think we're attracted to OCD because many of their issues are like ours and they want to keep things orderly which we like. They have rituals which we understand and empathize with. In my case he's also very logical and intellectual and I love that.

I plan on seeing Snowcake, but I heaard the autisitc character is more of a supporting character.

I have a question for AS men or their significant others. Is not being jealous an AS trait? I have always wondered because my DH is so easy going about other men that it worries me. I've even felt like he is trying to "GIVE" me away at times. I tested him once and I'm not sure it crossed his mind that the other guy might actually try to take his wife away. I hung out with the other guy (platonically) for 4 months and all my DH had to say was, "I'm glad you've found someone you enjoy talking to." It was really odd!

I would say neither Aspie men or women tend to be jealous. My NT husband is very jealous and it always seems completely illogical to me because I wouldn't be with him if I didn't want to be.

Well, it's good to know that he isn't just trying get rid of me. I'm not a jealous person, either but there are times when I can tell someone is a little too interested in my DH and my fangs come out DH doesn't see that, either. A woman could sit on his knee and be all over him and he would just say, "She sure was friendly."

My dh always tells me I have no clue what's going on. He ends up yelling at me that I haven't even noticed and he told me long ago it is because I don't notice anything until they actually grab me or something and then I'm completely startled and can't react.

I doubt he wants to get rid of you. Some of the kids on here seem to do that, but not many of us in the more mature crowd. I couldn't even think of that. He's it. If he's gone, I'm not even interested in this again. I only like him. Your hubby may feel like that about you.

I think a lot of it for us is that if we feel this way, we don't even think that you might not. Does that make sense? That's how it is for me. Besides, I know how he is to live with. He may be handsome, but no NT woman could live with him for five minutes. She'd have an opinion about something in the house or want to cook and she'd be out on the street.