Am I hoping for too much? Aspie parenting issue.

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No, I don't think you quite get it.

Imagine a metal trash can over your head and 2 little gnomes banging on it with metal spoons. Day in and day out. Your senses are overwhelmed and you're exhausted most of the time. You can barely think straight for the jangley neurons.

Now smile and be pleasant. Flexible.

Or imagine you're on a battle field, mortars exploding around you, tracer bullets zipping by, jets roaring overhead.

Don't yell at the kids. Be sweet and gentle as your nerves fray completely.

In other words, not your ordinary stress.

Earplugs may help her. Counseling may help you. Playdates elsewhere may help the kids.

Everything DonkeyBuster said. For all you know, your wife promises herself every day that she will be kindler, gentler, more patient with your kids. (I promise myself this every day with my own, and fail remarkably as soon as they both start talking at once.) It probably isn't for lack of good will on her part. It's just not doable.

As for your kids liking her now, but maybe picking up a bad vibe from her responses: please sit down now, together, and explain to them what your wife has. They're old enough to get it, at least the idea that it's not them making her on edge (I mean, it isn't that she dislikes them, it's the overload getting to her). To make this really work, your wife is going to have to do her best to apologize after any snippiness or meltdowns, naming the sound or activity that overwhelmed her so your kids understand it was that event, not them.

My advice to you, based on my three marriages and what worked with me: be gentle on her. She is doing her best. I know when I felt attacked, it just added to my sense of self-loathing, but no way could I apologize or feel like I could move through it. My third husband is the first one who loved me through my meltdowns, stayed calm with me, was gentle. It made me work so, so hard to meet him halfway.

Well, we're not quite talking about kids running around the house beating trash can lids. We're talking about kids being kids. You know, they play, they talk, they do things kids do sometimes. It's sounds as if I should require them to act as if they were living in a mortuary, speak in hushed tones & tiptoe around the house. : ). There has to be a middle ground.

She can't wear earplugs. She can hear herself breathing & this bothers her too.

It'll work out. Just looking for ideas here. Thanks to all.

LOL, anytime DB.
Still wiping the tears out of my eyes from your "championship comeback". I will never, ever tick you off classy lady

The other thing that just occurred to me is that a common side effect of antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs is a lack of emotion, a flatness, blunting, so if you're happy with the other effects of the pills, that may be something you'll have to put up with.

My very NT husband's step-mom was the only person in his life who acted like a parent to him. This stand in contrast to all the NT parents and stepparents who spent his childhood consumed with their own emotional weaknesses (e.g multiple divorces, affairs, job changes, and constant lying) I guess this is why he choose me to to parent his own children and to hell with anyone who ever even thinks that we are not good parents.

I really feel for you both. I'm an Aspie step-mom with two Aspie kids and two NT step-kids. My step-children were ages 7 and 5 when I married my husband; at the time, my kids from my first marriage were 8 and 2 years old. Oh yeah, we had issues from the start.

I'm going to preface this by admitting that while I bonded very well with my younger step-child, I was never capable of bonding with my elder step-son. But more on that later.

Let's forget about the Aspie thing for a minute and cover some expectations from the "step-mother" side of the equation. There are some things which can be expected, but there are others that, when compounded by the AS dx, makes life a living hell for everyone involved.

Let's start with what I sometimes think is the cardinal rule of being a step-parent: It is okay if you do not passionately, mindlessly, completely love your stepkids as completely as you love your spouse. Many people do not get this premise, because society in general and the doting real parent in particular expect the new step-parent to be like this uber-parent on crack. It's an unrealistic expectation, quite simply because your wife did not give birth to these kids, did not bond with them at the beginning of life, and although they came with you as a "package deal", . To you, they are your precious children. To the step-parent, the emotional connection may well be more like something reserved for the neighbor's kids or a sibling's kids...Someone you love, but not necessarily in the all-consuming way that a parent loves a child. Your little darling's farts may charm you, but those who aren't a parent to them may not necessarily feel the same way.

And it IS okay for a step-parent not to love the step-kids. Respect them? Yes. Help you rear them? Oh yes. Teach them morals, ethics, how to brush teeth and bathe effectively? Yes. Love them the way you love them? Um, perhaps not. She may not feel that way, even if you expect it of her. And it would be wrong of you to expect it of her, because she may well be incapable of just magically making that sort of love appear. The heart is a fickle thing.

Why do I passionately love my step-daughter, but not my step-son? I honestly have no reason. I couldn't tell you why. I can only say that my heart connected with the little girl with the big eyes, and who never knew a mother before me. But there just wasn't that "spark" with the other one. And he's never connected with me, either. And I have an awful feeling that, even if he were my flesh-and-blood, I still would not have connected with him. It's monstrous by society's standards, but at the same time, there is no way in hades I can change that fact. I can talk to him, guide him, help him with homework, commiserate when he has another breakup, and argue with him like a champ, but it doesn't change the fact that I just don't love him the way his natural parents love him.

My husband is very aware that I feel this way. So is his ex-wife. It's also understood that I'm not going to magically love this kid the way they do. It took a great deal of stress off of me not to have to "fake it".

Now, I treat my step-son fairly, and I don't play favorites. But alas, I'm not warm-n-fuzzy with him. And he doesn't invite it, because his 15 year-old mind is as soft as a newborn cactus! I respect him, I rear him, but I'm not his natural parent, and I don't pretend to be. It's not my place to replace those who have created him.

Your wife is in a similar situation.

Your wife may not handle things with your younger kid the way you would wish. Whether it's caused by AS or the very real emotional disconnect described above, your solution would still be the same...That being, since you are the natural parent, you may want to be the one more actively involved in your child's life, and you may want to take some of the "heat" off of your wife in regards to expectations. If you were looking for your spouse to be the "mom", then she may well not have the emotional connectivity to fulfill that role in a way which would satisfy you.

And if that is the case, then I can truly feel for her, because it is torture to not only not be capable of certain emotions, but to also be treated like crap and/or judged harshly because one is, indeed, incapable of those emotions. Look into your own emotions and see if you expect her to love your daughter the way you do. And better yet, gently tell her that if she does not feel those "motherly" emotions, it's okay.

From there, I'd seriously advise you and her to do joint counseling. She probably needs it to learn some skills, but you also need it so that you can integrate your family more effectively. Marriage is a two-way street, and if your wife is unhappy, you need to make it your top priority to understand your wife's capabilities (or lack thereof) through the counselor or therapist, and find a way to compromise. Your marriage's survival may well depend upon it.

And, yes. My husband has had to do the same thing. Our marriage benefited greatly when we did therapy sessions together so that he understood better why things are so "different" to me.

Thorny Rose, thanks for your heartfelt input. I definetly see where you're coming from.

I get that she is not going go love the kids as much as I do, that's OK. I just wish sometimes she would say things slightly differently. If the kid is making noise, it's fine, please ask the kid to stop. But do it firmly with a small smile on your face, not like a witch who despises the kid. It's all in the delivery.

As for counseling, I agree. It would be helpful. But she will not go because she feels she knows everything about parenting. She is a highly educated woman, a teacher. She feels "What can some stupid councelor tell me that I don't already know?" You know, the AS thing. So that doesn't help.

I'll say this. Since she started on her meds things have been much better. She is letting me handle & deal with the kids rather than her trying to be all hands on and then her being frustrated and upset because things don't work out perfectly (in her mind). She has the typical AS issues of schedules, rigidity and rules so if any little thing didn't go right or had to be changed she would lose it. The black and white thinking. And you know how it is with kids. Something is always going wrong. You constantly need to make small changes and adjustments. She just does not have that instinct for the small nuances that make all of the difference in the world.

I don't mean to be so harsh on her. I'm venting a bit here. I love her & she is really trying hard. Things are much better now and are heading in a much more positive direction. But like all of life, it is a work in progress. The biggest change was the day she officially got her dx. From that day on the world just looked a little differently to both of us. Not an easy world, but at least we can see why she was doing some of the things she was and now we can both make adjustments.

Cheers!

It's hard for a professional anyone to hear from a non-professional that maybe they don't know everything. Always touchy. And frankly I don't know many people, AS or NT who are good at admitting they might have not done the best thing.



Ouch. That's nasty. I haven't noticed that Aspies have a corner on that attitude. I can just as readily say that I don't enjoy talking to NTs because they really don't want to learn anything. Innumerable times I've fallen into the trap of actually offering suggestions when an NT has asked 'What can I do about [my problems]' and then they argue down each and every suggestion, not even give something a chance.

The fact is, it's not an AS or NT thing, it's a human thing to resist criticism, to defend one's knowledge and position, to be afraid to admit fault, especially when someone else is ramming it down our throats.

She does sound like she could benefit from learning what I call "good enough". I realized one day building a fence that I was getting way too fussy, the fence looked good enough, would do the job, and I could move on. But you have nooooo idea how hard it was to stop and walk away. It still is, and it's been 20 years of working on my 'good enough'. Sometimes I still have to put my head in my hands and do deep breathing to not loose it when I can see it's 'good enough', but something in me is not done with it.

Many things just need a 'good enough', and some things we can utilize our full talent on. Learning these parameters is hard work.

I'm glad things are smoothing out for the two of you. Hang in there...