Thanks

Post Reply New Topic

I have been on here a while and many people have read about his symptoms. He is definitely AS, just undx. I

Thanks everyone for helping me. Thanks for your questions and responses. I will get to more responses later.

Last edited by natesmom on 09 Jul 2009, 1:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My guess is that he does care. He just is unable to show that in your language.

You can maybe blame AS on some of the traits, but if he shows no interest in trying to work through some of these problems with you, that's a real cause for concern. Does he understand how important this is for you? My guess is that if he is at all lacking in the ToM department, he doesn't understand how frustrating this is for you (since it's no problem for him). If he doesn't "give a c...p" if he has AS, he probably assumes that you don't either.

You say you've talked and talked and talked about it. Have you talked about how important this is for your marriage and how frustrating you are finding it? If he does care about you, he needs to put in some effort to make it better. Come up with a system that's a compromise that works for both of you. Marriage, after all, is all about compromises.

Natesmom, I'm thinking you may be married to a narcissistic Aspie. Not an Aspie that appears narcissistic, one that IS.

Maybe he just married you so he wouldn't be alone, and someone would take care of him. I've certainly seen posters here on these boards that seem to have that attitude... and my mother (unDx AS) literally told me friends were for using.

I'm with the folks that have rec'd joint counseling. And if he won't go, consider your options.

In any case, AS is no excuse for a sorry attitude.

I think you just contradicted yourself.

If this guy is Asperger's, he won't say he's thinking of you. He'll show it. Doing your dishes is showing it.

I will agree with the people who say, "Your marriage needs work; stop finding scapegoats and start working on it." If you are indeed married to someone with AS, you may have unwittingly found yourself in a relationship with someone who thinks very differently from you. Think of it like marrying, sight unseen, someone from the other side of the world. No common language; totally different customs; a huge danger of miscommunication. And no blame on either side.

It can actually be too hard to do something you're unaccustomed to doing. You take forever to get started. You stare at it for a while, can't figure out what to do first, get discouraged, and quit. Procrastination hits just about any group of people but it hits AS particularly hard... but it's not some kind of insurmountable problem that can't be solved. You have to work around it. Both of you need to compromise.

I very much agree. We're more likely to do things to make others happy than to tell people things that make them happy. The old "actions speak louder than words" motto couldn't ring truer, at least for me.

I fail to see why there needs to be an underlying condition that causes narcissism. I would be willing to bet that most cases of narcissism are just that - narcissism. Not AS. To have to need a mental condition as a scapegoat for one's personality is mind-boggling to me.

OP: You have two options - Get over it, or get a divorce.

P.S. Your husband sounds a lot like my dad, and I can guarantee you he is nothing but a selfish bastard.

That your dad's a selfish bastard doesn't mean that someone with similar characteristics must necessarily be one... it can be easy to transfer things like that from one to another... Just saying that, as a caution, not saying you're being deceptive but just maybe seeing patterns and mentally completing the rest of the pattern in a familiar manner when the rest of the pattern may be different from what you're used to...

At the same time, it doesn't mean that he isn't.

All I'm saying is don't be so quick to slap a label on something that might not actually be there.

...

Last edited by Maggiedoll on 08 Jul 2009, 8:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hello

For starters, I wouldnt take the advice given above and divorce your husband. Right now his biggest crimes seem to be not folding clothes properly, taking a long time hang up a curtain, and not wanting to spend his day off working outside. I hardly think that is grounds for a divorce. Furthermore, I dont think he is a narcissist. Unfortunately that word is thrown around too much these days just to describe somebody who appears to not think about other people. And if we are to be honest, considering your own wants before you consider the desires of others is a basic human trait that we all exhibit to some extent.

Also, you may be over reacting slightly. For example:

For starters, you are complaining about him being tidy and doing your dishes for you. Perhaps I dont understand the problem here, but this doesnt seem all that bad.



So, he likes the stuff he picks out for himself better then the stuff you pick out for yourself? That seems reasonable to me. You and your husband have different tastes, so it isnt surprising that what you get for yourself doesn't create the same feelings as the stuff he picks out for himself. If your husband got a brand new stick of ram for his computer would you congratulate him on his excellent purchase and point it out to your son? My guess is that you would just say 'O, yeah, you got a new computer thingy'.



Perhaps he just doesnt mind the clutter, and doesnt want to bother your son to clean something that isnt unsanitary, nor harmful.



Now that is a lie. You were just on here last month posting that your son wanted to make paper air planes with his father and not you, which made you upset.



That is because he has a different thought process for the 2 tasks. When he gets himself a drink, his thought is 'I am thirsty, I should go get something to drink'. When he is getting a drink for your son the thought is, 'Time to help out. O hey look, there is something that needs to be organized.' And of course once you finish organizing something, you can often forget why you went in there. Memory isnt a perfect thing in humans.



There is a difference in requirements for folding laundry. He is a professional, and as such his clothes need to look nice. It is part of his job to look presentable. Your 2 your old child on the other hand doesnt need to look professional, so his clothes dont need to be folded with the same care. As for folding your stuff, I have learned that there is no right way to fold a woman's clothes. No matter how you do it, the woman will always complain about something. So, I dont bother trying. My guess is that your husband is the same way.



Procrastination is hardly a unusual thing. Perhaps it would work better if you work out a system of doing things rather then just a verbal reminder. For example, get out a pad of paper and make a list. Then every Saturday morning your husband can go down the list and get the stuff done. You know, get out all the tools and do everything at once. I find it easier to do the dishes, laundry, and clean my house all at once over the course of 2 hours rather then spend 10 minutes here and there.



It sounds like he doesnt like sticky things and was having a bad day. I am not saying he should go around yelling at people, but based on what you have written it hardly sounds like your husband has an anger problem. More likely he just was having a hard day, and the stickiness, and randomness didnt help.



Well, it sounds like your husband doesnt want to spend his day off doing manual labor. He didnt say 'No, I refuse to do this. This is clearly a woman's job. Get to work wench!' He just expressed annoyance at the situation. I'm curious, did you think he would be happy to fix a sinkhole? Perhaps he could have phrased it differently, but I dont think his thoughts or reactions were unusual or harmful in any way.


You just said in this post that he does your dishes, and folds your laundry. Not to mention the fact that he works a full time job to provide money for you and his children. I dont think your statement of 'he does nothing for us' is accurate.

Now I am not saying your husband is perfect. There are a few things you might want to work on. But from what I can tell, he doesnt sound like a horrible person to me. He just states what is on his mind without lying and pretending to be interested or happy like normal people do.

It could be due to AS or any number of other things... If it makes you unhappy you should address it regardless of its cause. Tracker just made a great post that made me reconsider how inconsiderate your husband actually is. Hopefully it might do the same for you.

Why will a diagnosis help you understand him more? If you say he definitely has AS, why will a diagnosis change how well you can understand him? You asking him to get a diagnosis helps you, not him, if he doesn't care one way or another.



If he does not care to discuss problems with a random bunch of people on the internet, I think that is quite reasonable. Your wants are not his wants and whilst relationships require a lot of compromise to be successful I do not think him posting on the net is something that needs to be compromised on. Perhaps you want him to post here to get an insight into his mind?



Did he say he married you out of fear? Or is that something you have assumed? It sounds like he was quite honest in his reasons for marriage when you asked. Most people marry so that they do not have to be alone... I do not think this is a bad thing.

I feel like I need more context, because my kids' dad doesn't give any thought to them as real people, but is fixated on the older one and completely ignored the younger one for over a year. he also ignored me for weeks on end. the only reason he did his laundry is because I refused. he went ballistic on me when I got upset with him for mocking me when I asked him to help do housework. I've seen him eat in front of my kids when they were crying because they were hungry. he put my youngest in the tub when she was 2, turned on the water and left her. I found her with scalding water pouring into the tub. she was screaming. he was in the other room watching tv. he stole my belongings and hocked them. he spent money that was I was supposed to be able to use to pay bills. he was lazy and he lied, all the time. not only was I parenting and running the household by myself, which was bad enough, but he undermined me at every turn, which led to multiple shutdowns that lasted from months to years. I believe he has narcissistic personality disorder, and not just based on the above, but also on his grandiosity and drive to impress people, neither of which sound like they apply to your husband.

so, back to the context:
do you work outside the home?

if you do, I can understand being burnt to a crisp and you probably need to cut back on your home responsibilities. for instance, split areas of responsibility with your husband, or just let things go. there are more important things than a clean house. I used to have to keep mine spotlessly clean as a requirement of my previous religious affiliation, and now I don't care. I'm recovering from severe burn-out and drug side effects and I don't work because I can't. my house gets messy but I put that low on my priority list because feeling like I have to clean it overwhelms me.

if you don't work outside the home, I can understand the frustration of feeling like you're trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to hear you. however, the expectation that he'll work at a full time job then come home and do manly things is probably unrealistic. not all men are wired that way. I'm the one who replaces electrical receptacles and switches in my house. I'm the painter. I'm the landscaper. I use the hammer and the drill and the shovel. I clean the gutters. those things are important to me and my husband is averse toward, and possibly clueless about them. my husband does earn a living that takes the financial pressure of having to work full-time off me while I sort out my stuff. but we talk. if we didn't talk, I doubt I could stand living with him. we don't talk a lot, but we talk enough to know how the other person feels, what they're working on, and what they need. if one of us needs to spend time with the other, we can generally accommodate that. I didn't get anything resembling that consideration from my ex.

you could consider marriage counseling. I also strongly suggest seeing a therapist, for yourself, because it sounds like you have some things to sort out. I started seeing one because of the misery of my previous marriage, and I've continued to see one for help with depression, anxiety, PTSD, this newest development of an AS diagnosis, and will continue to see her as I work through vocational rehab and hopefully back into the job market.

In all honesty it sounds to me like an UNTRAINED and Unwilling to be trained, husband.

It's certainly not conclusive aspergers and several of your comments are opposite.

Why do husbands need to be trained? I think it is better to marry someone you are happy with at the start, rather than someone you feel you need to train in order to be satisfied with them.

Well firstly I think yo greatly underappreciate your husband and what he does for your family, well you di not say that you are working but if not he's the bread winner he is working a logical brain based job which at the moment if you are in america is very under threat because of open-sourcing and when he gets home its sounds like he just wants to unwind. Your post is very over reactive and you have what it seems unrealised the simple trivial things an that he is just busy and a perfectionist well to lay it out I think he is not Aspergic by no means at all simply because he doesn't have all the signs he just operates indepently an it is very common in computer people I have many friends in the computer businesses an they are not narcisisists but just put them selves first its not a crime.

really think you yourselfpersonally should try counselling and the simple fact that how would a diagnosis help it won't it will just flip a switch in your head a classic phrase of boys will be boys comes to mind.

And finally a Stevee moment sit down kids and listen, lol, I personally am quite worried by the amount of couple coming on the forums over reacting and thinking "oh my god he operates indepently and is unaware o my feelings MUST BE ASPERGIC" I agree with a previous poster with all my will that slapping a label on something just for disclosure firstly even without even talking with your partners and that is a key thing in all marriages COMMUNICATION persuing a trivial thing in order for a bit of closure is not goo an will not work it brings nothing.

And finally a lot of us here at wrongplanet are autistic an aspie but not enthralled by it we were to find ourselves if you will but now have that knowledge and know what our ticks are, here to help aspies find themselves and help them out so please try not counter my claim and say you're obsessed a lot of us are here to help and give our personal judgements

thank yo and hope you sort out your problems it sounds like you married way too fast and did not get to know each other because once you marry it becomes established as you will