NT + AS Friendship Advice Needed (Age 40s)

Post Reply New Topic

This sadly helps confirm my own very deep sense that this one of the biggest challenges we face to the further development of our relationship. I think this is why being patient and consistent feels so important to me and that whatever happens will take time. It also is why I want to encourage and not pressure him. I want this to feel and look different to him from other bad relationships he's had in the past - because it IS different. In addition to not trusting me yet, I also wonder if he just doesn't trust his own judgment at this point and I know has been badly hurt.

Although I understand that it often happens to those with AS, I would never, ever berate him for being who he is. The very thought pains me. He also happens to have had a history of extremely serious health issues (now resolved). Combined with the AS, I can only imagine how cruel others have been to him. So I am being very careful and am acutely sensitive to the importance of making sure this goes well, even if that means we just end up as friends who are in touch once or twice a year. I am determined to not be another painful memory for him. For me, it really is an ethical issue and I feel that obligation deeply.

I have a hard time telling who is merely being polite and superficially friendly, and who is trying to be a genuine friend... the signals I can see pretty much appear the same, and it has lead to some painful disappointments. I have literally been left standing outside because I thought I was a friend and I wasn't, so I wasn't included in the plans. So I honestly can't trust my judgement until well into knowing someone.

But if folks call me and want to do something, or repeatedly drop by (I can handle that, some Aspies can't) then they are obviously behaving differently from the friendly but casual acquaintance.

Can you believe at 50 I'm finally figuring this out? Bit slow off the mark. But my life has gotten sweeter since I've started treating almost everyone as a friendly casual acquaintance. No expectations. I enjoy them and never expect to get included, invited, or confided in and--tah-dah--I'm not.

Dang you seem like a lovely person... you wouldn't consider a threesome would you?

{{joke, joke, joke}}

Right, this makes sense to me. I think the problem we have at the moment, though, is that we're a bit stuck because of this lack of trust, both of me and of his own judgment. If we spent more time together, we would get to know each other better and I would have a chance to earn more of his trust. Yet because the trust isn't yet there and it probably feels risky or like it may go wrong at any second, it's hard for him to spend much time with me. And around we go. I think all I can do is keep trying and perhaps nice assertiveness + calm persistence will win the day. And I do think the fact that he has stuck this out so far is a positive sign; he could easily completely withdraw for a long list of valid reasons not related to me.

As for still figuring things out, I think (or hope) we all do that and come to learn more about ourselves.



Ah, shucks. And as for the threesome, I'm all for it if it will get him out of his office. {joke!}

So doing that shared interest is neutral ground in a sense, something known to him and predictable so he can put more energy into getting to know you... 'cause though it looks like we're not necessarily paying much attention to someone we're doing something with, we are. By investing your energy in doing you're making a noticeable physical investment that a casual acquaintance doesn't make. I've invited lots of nice folks to 'just drop by' and no one ever has.



So true, so true. But for the majority, that particular knowledge is inborn and I'm just a tad envious...



Ah, shucks. And as for the threesome, I'm all for it if it will get him out of his office. {joke!}[/quote]

Tee-hee... Oh no, not him... that'd be a foursome...
Getting him out of the cubicle is your special interest, not mine.

Well put and super helpful to know. In addition to our shared serious interest, he also watches silly TV shows as a way to decompress. I have previously volunteered to watch those with him, so I will try that again in future since it would take off some of the pressure, presuming he can work with whatever anxieties he has about hanging out at my place.

As for the 3 (not 4) some, I'm free Saturday. I kid, I kid. Seriously, though, thank you for continuing this discussion. I am finding it very helpful and it makes me feel like I am not totally clueless.

Ooo, fraught, fraught! Many, many variables. Huge step. May need baby step on the way... how 'bout you bring the pizza (or some favorite pre-agreed on take-out) to his place to watch his program. First establish that routine, then just switch the venue while maintaining other knowns. If, of course, he doesn't feel like his space is being invaded... Something I'd like but he might not.



Oh shoot, I'm committed to helping my zendo build a new footpath.... Unless you'd like to join? That 'doing' thing, you know. LOL



I'm enjoying the exchange, and you are far from clueless.

I want to hear what the poor ignorant lummox does next...

Oh, yes, I know, but thank you for the reminder. Very early during our relationship, this was actually one of the first things I suggested, but at his place. He said something about not having had a girl over to his place for a long time and was nervous about that. A couple months later he did let me see his office, which I thought was not trivial since he practically lives there. And he has done some things to fix up his place recently, so I may try the takeout/TV suggestion again and see what he says. My first priority is really just to get us into a coffee or lunch routine, which seems safest and then take another small step.

Sounds like a plan... meet at his office and grab a coffee. And pastry, I love those chocolate filled croissants... Because of course I can only say what would work for me, having no clue about him.

We're off to play rugged mountain women and go cut firewood today up in the national forest today, so see ya later.

Post deleted.

Last edited by patientfriend on 18 Sep 2009, 12:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

4. Stop the desperate clinging to denial and accept he doesn't feel like talking to you and that all your nudging must be driving him nuts - if he hasn't blocked you long ago and is not receiving any of your "nudges" anyway. Since when has AS caused a person to "withdraw" and be so "busy at work" that they'll systematically ignore you? Only in your head, I'm afraid. Cut your losses asap and go meet new people who will be more interested in friendship/romance with you. Become less dependent on others.

Sorry you deleted your post patient friend.

I vaguely remembered your third option was along the lines of "I'm backing off for a bit, letting you know this, and would be happy to hear from you when you want to get back in touch"

I don't see what's wrong with that, gives you both some space. Deadlines and reminders just add to the burdon of pressures, REGARDLESS of whether you care about someone deeply or only a little.

And besides, WP is here for support, so you should feel that you can post here with things related to AS. Maybe this particular friendship won't progress much further, maybe it will, but I for one am happier to know that there are people out there who try to understand.

I regret having been so blunt, but you really were nudging him too much. You really owe it to yourself and you really deserve people who are there and not missing in action, whatever neurological type they are.

This has been a very insightful discussion thread, thanks to all for sharing.