Trying to understand

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The fact is people w/AS often have a problems in relationships. It's literally part of the dx. I don't see that as a put down or insult, it just is.

Yes it is always wrong to generalize or stereotype but there is usually a nugget of truth in it.

My read of the OPs question was: if both couples new ahead of time what they were getting into, why do they have such problems with it later on?

First, i think that couples in arranged marriages have very different expectations than those who marry for love and for a soul mate.

But back to the question, many older aspies had no idea about AS when they married. The euphoria of falling in love can very easily be confused with finally finally finally finding someone they relate to, that will except them. And when things start to slide, its not as noticeable. Those with AS are used to being miserable.

Also, its not unusual for people to be attracted to someone they think they can fix. When they realize they can't, they become offended and bitter. OR if the person gets better on their own, the fixer feels undervalued and becomes offended and bitter.

I have been in two previous relationships. I was myself from the start. I didn't put on any act. My second boyfriend thinks I changed however. I was myself from the start too, he just learned more about me is all and decided I was more like a "baby" than an adult. Going through deep depression might have changed me because I do tend to regress when I am depressed. I think it's a coping mechanism for me.

When I met my husband, I was myself but we went out a lot and I paid for him and he paid for me, we both took turns but I told him once I get my own apartment, it would all change because I wouldn't have much spending money. He said I didn't change that much and I just got used to him being in my life so my AS symptoms got milder. He says it's still about the same. But we don't go out much anymore because we did those things and the fact we live in an apartment. My life was just different then when we met. I was living with my aunt and uncle then so the only bills I had was bus pass and rent. I didn't even need to buy food because they shared their food with me and I hardly ate due to my eating disorder. But once I moved in my apartment, I started eating more because of my husband and he noticed how I got more color in my skin. I felt better and I didn't put on weight when I ate more. Thank goodness.

So I never put on any acts to impress men. What they saw was what they got. Lot of men noticed that with me when we meet. They liked it.