Dealing with Rage as an Adult

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anger can feel so shameful. thanks for the thread. it's good to see others who share the problem---somehow it shifts the perspective a little and makes it seem more like a challenge (that can be dealt with) rather than a reason for self-hatred.

I found my rage easier to control as I've aged. From hitting people and breaking doors (and cellphones) in my youth, to expressing my anger and warning people to keep their distance now, it has been an interesting path. In fact, I started getting more expensive cellphones to try and force myself to think before breaking them.

I remember once wanting to literally throw someone out of the window because he did not acknowledge something I was telling him. Looking back now, it was a petty thing, but at the time, wow.

It gets bad if I'm tired. Fortunately I am sleeping a lot better lately, and often get six to seven hours of sleep a night.

Some people don't understand that blind fury (like you all obviously do), and it is a relief to know that I'm not alone.

I have a "spiritual" friend on another foum who believes that all negativity and bad stuff in the world comes from fear, all anger and violence, even capitalism and imperialism, the exploitation of other countries comes from the fear of the people involved that they need greed and to take things. He says that the two big forces on human are love and fear and that love and overcome fear. Ever since i read his posts on that it really stuck a chord and resonated with me, and I felt it in myself. I think it is true for me definatly that i am angriest when i feel fear of things like being thought bad of. I like the thought of all the bad/negative stuff humans do coming from fear, all the good coming from love. I try to realise this so i dont feel fear/bad myself. Not rely on others approval etc. I think it will be good to try to focus more on love like remembring to keep in touch with my best friends at tough times instead of isolating.

I spent the bulk of my life angry. I still have my moments, but over the past three years I have mellowed out considerably. I just got it in my head one day that I was fed up. I was tired. It takes so much out of me when I am angry and when I thought of the person I wanted to be, angry was not in the picture. For the first year I would go between extremes that made me a walking contradiction. I would feel fine and think to myself, how long will this last this time? How long until I crack and break and something gets destroyed. I have had the tendency to self destruct. I had a dysfunctional childhood so if things were ok in my life I would freak out and have to f**k everything up before something or someone would come along and do it for me. Self defense mechanism... Not a good one, but I do not like change, even when the normal is destroying me. It was hard to break the habit of being horribly self destructive and not trusting anyone. I am still working on it, I am not there yet, but it is so much better. I am so much better.

I understand the wolfie speak. My rage has a name and she is Charlotte. I used to tell people to run if I thought I would go on Charlotte mode. I loved that side of me for the strength, the passion, the creativity, the voice... that side of me came out (comes out? I think she is gone now, but who knows, nothing is concrete in my world) when I could not do anything, when I felt helpless. That side of me takes over and it is like the dance of Kali Ma and everything just crumbles under me. Then the need is done and I can be me again and inspect the pieces of my newly destroyed existence. One side fed the other. Balance is not my strong suit, but it is. Instead of blending and finding my balance, I opted to split myself into extremes to attain this balance. Messed up, no?

It is hard to forgive others, it is hard to forgive yourself. I thought I had forgiven my parents years ago only to find out I had barely touched the surface of that one. I did not realize until I flipped out one day that my anger went beyond my parents. It was easy to ignore the rest of my family due to the things my parents did and did not do. My family paled in comparison. I babble.

I guess I say all of this to say that if you want to get rid of the angry, you can. I went from attacking people, screaming fits, property destruction... I once hit a guy with a hammer because he would not shut up. I ran someone down with a car once. I was bad. My ex called the cops on me for domestic abuse. I weigh 110 lbs and stand all of 5'4... he was nearly 6ft and 400lbs of man and I was a threat to him. You just need to get to that place where you are ready to be ok... if that makes sense. I mean, I thought I wanted to be ok for years, but I was still scared to be ok. That was what was holding me back. Angry was all I knew. I saw ok as the enemy... That is what it took for me to get here. I needed to stop being afraid of ok before I could try to get here. Until then, it was meaningless... just a mask I would put on until I could not play pretend ok anymore.

Sorry this is so long. Your post just struck a chord with me and I can be rather 'long winded' now and then...

Rage used to be an issue for me when I was younger. Sure, there was some anger and property destruction. But worse than that was the rage. It was not anger like people talk about, but a cold and focused rage. A state of being where different rules applied, and a different kind of logic. It was almost spiritual. In that state there was no malice, no empathy, no feeling, only "the goal". And pity anything between me and that goal.

In that state done things that should not have been physically possible. The only explanation I can offer is like the protagonist out-swimming his genetically engineered and physically superior brother in the film Gattica. I gave my all with no thought of injury or pain.

The scary part was the no empathy, no feeling. Any obstacle in my path was dealt with quickly, efficiently, and without any concern or thought for its well-being. That meant anything from walking through a security door, sheering a 2-1/2" x 3/4" hardened steel deadbolt, or grabbing a grown man by the throat and lifting him into the air with one hand while catching my car keys as he dropped them with the other hand. No malice, no thought of harming anyone or anything. In fact, it wasn't until about a half hour after the keys incident I had any thought about having possible harming anyone or having done anything wrong. It was just the quickest and easiest way to retrieve my keys from the co-worker that snatched them off my desk and decided to yank them away when I reached for them in a childish kind of "keep-away" game I was not willing to play.

I desperately tried to avoid escalations out of fear of what I might do. It took a lot of emotional growth for me to learn how to control my anger, and learn to master the rage. Now people just consider me arrogant and condescending, and just so very enlightened and mature in my ways of dealing with situations where anger is involved that they feel belittled, ashamed, and embaressed. Ah, well. At least I am not in prison.

I suppose if I had instead viewed the rage or the anger as something useful, I could have been a right bastard. No matter what you do, your own ethical code is paramount, for no matter what you do there will be others to find fault with it. The best you can do is be consistent for others, so that even if they can't read you, they can learn you. Remember, NTs can't read AS folk any better than we can read them.

Learn the difference between detaching and disengaging. Some folks will refuse to allow you to disengage, but nobody can stop you from detaching. The trick to managing emotional stimulation for me is my code of ethics, and being able to detach enough to view the situation using that code of ethics as a framework.

I used to have VIOLENT ranges as a kid manily because I was so sick of being bullied all the time and told it was my fault, that it was a misunderstanding or being punished for defending myself. I would fly into rages and would actualy hurt people physically. It was the only thing I could do to teach the bullies to f**k off. They stopped for the better when I turned 18 and people stopped treating me like a I was a child that couldn't think for myself.

[quote="Tahitiii If people would just do what they’re supposed to do when I’m polite, and if they didn’t lie so casually and habitually, it wouldn’t be an issue.

Anyway, back to Michhsta’s issue, anger is not always bad. Sometimes it’s necessary. It’s just hard finding the right balance, or to figure out which person deserves “both barrels.” Too often, they want to confuse you with a bunch of nonsense and lies, blame the victim, pick at the clumsy way you addressed a problem, and never get back to the real issue that started it all.

Shrinks can be the worst offenders in the “blaming the victim” department. It’s easier to give you drugs and tell you to shut up than it is to tell the truth, especially when an authority figure is in the wrong.

Has this post made any sense at all?[/quote]

This last bit certainly resonated with me. Do you work in my office?

I'm glad someone brought this up. Most of my rages are from someone doing or saying something really dum. The older I get it seems the less tolerance I have for stupidity. ( Anyone else feel this way?) This is a major distraction for me at work cause, most of the upper management act like morons who couldn't manage there way in a paper bag! I'm told that a lot of work places are like this and, it's just "politics".

Most of the time I try to cool off as quickly as I can and think of other things that are more mentaly pleasing. Lately I've been using humor to smooth the general anguish and, it seems to be working.


JC.

I am easily angered, and always have been. The causes are usually ridiculously benign and not just cause for the feelings that well up inside of me. Fortunately (for others and the breakable items around me) I have always had strong suppression abilities. My rage is rarely seen by others, it just builds inside until I have some form of catharsis, either physical (beating a punching bag) or mental (imagining beating the tar out of whatever is annoying me).

I also have had anger problems my whole life.

Before I discovered AS I just thought I was a bad person. I have managed to keep my anger under control for many years however there has been the odd slip up.

A few years back I was freelancing for the most self centred person you could ever meet and one day she pushed all the right buttons and I flipped. It's by far the most embarrassing thing I have ever done but I remember having a semi-tantrum and jumping up and down in front of her basically telling her to F Off.

I can go from mildly irritated to fuming mad in a second. I think I wanted to rip her head off at the time. Needless to say that relationship went sour very quickly.

The weirdest thing is that I'm pretty laid back for the most part except when I get irritated, lied to or mistreated then the little black thing inside me surfaces.

Has anyone blacked out in a rage? I have once or twice.. Couldn't remember what happened afterwards and all I can remember beforehand is seeing red.