The dark side to diagnosis....

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You will not be better or worse person for having a Dx. For me, it helped me realize the problem is not me, it's the world around me. If I have a problem, I try to solve the problem. If there's a problem with work, fix it. Not me. If there's a problem in a relationship, fix it. Not me. That's not to say I don't have to work for the solution (or to make it better, since there's rarely a solution), but I look outside, not inside.

That's fine. So long as you don't want to have anyone listen to you drone on about atoms. Or be in a relationship. There's no excuse not to be respectful of others, though there are certainly limits. As for him not letting you speak of physics in return, wait till he talks about motorcycles, or whatever, and point out he's not an automotive engineer (unless of course he is). Subatomics and quantum physics are just as good a topic of discussion as motorcycles, but people talk about what they're interested in, and you can't expect others to share your interest. Find someone you can discuss physics with...try the local college/university.

For me, learning of Asperger's let me be okay with who I am. If I have to "fake" things to get by, I recognize that's what I'm doing... just a way to show respect, just as someone who cusses wouldn't do it in front of little kids. In other words, it's not me trying to fix myself, or even fit in, just a means to an end.

Yeah, totally agree. The problem is that information comes from autistic people and not researchers (who are way behind and been wrong on some things for decades), so it's not "real information" to the docs and psychs. Which is bulls*** (for them to totally disregard it, and not take input from autistics about what to research), but some autistics are working on that.

I'm amazed that anyone can be diagnosed and walk out the doctor's office and not be informed about, say, "executive dysfunction" or "autistic burnout." There ought to be an "owner's manual" that people get upon diagnosis. For what it costs, people ought to get a more than "yeah, you got it. That's it. Now go home."

I never faked my asocial behavior, maybe a little bit during teenage years but otherwise not. The key is I believe that I grew up in Europe where it is perfectly ok to be alone and asocial if you want to. In US there is a huge pressure for being appropriate, cheerful, interactive and have leadership skills. People don't understand when I tell them it is not necessary to be all of that to get a job or be successful.

You;ve never faked it? Not ever? Even the "norms" fake. The defining moment in my AS journey was when I realised just how much I faked everything, especially to myself.

If you're a never-faked WYSIWYG then you are a one in million.

(hang on... just reread.... did you mean "asocial" or was that a typo of "social"? It occurs to me that they mean two wildy different things and I don;t know whether to be literal.)

Try "The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome, by Tony Attwood", about as close to an owner's manual as your going to get.

Hi Mics,

I read your posts on this thread and could so relate. I am a little further down the path of life, having lived over 5 decades now on the autistic spectrum. I was diagnosed as a genius, and borderline autistic when I was a toddler, but this was in the 1950's and my mother was told to ignore me and I would outgrow it. Well whatever "genius" traits I had were not developed, and lo and behold I did NOT outgrow the autism. I tried for 3 decades to develop myself into a "normal" person by reading and applying every self help book I could get my hands on. I will not bore you with the list of books I have read, let it suffice to say, I own and have memorized everything from "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" (by John Gray PhD) to "Let's Eat Right to Keep Fit" (by Adelle Davis). In the end I found that books written by the neurotypical for the neurotypical just did not and could not address the problems I was having.

<He was very hurt because I did not want to converse with people about what I consider to be stupid things. >

I taught myself to chit chat with people, and became fairly adept at it, but I feel the same way. I just HATE discussing stupid things with people. Where is intelligent conversation ? (Which of course would be detailed indepth conversation about things that currently interest me, lol).

<I am not in denial, It is just too exhausting to pander to it anymore.......I don't have the cognitive stamina to constantly process all the time. That I like peace and quiet.....>

I think in pictures. (Who knew others did not ?) So I have an ongoing translation process in my head of converting what someone is saying into the corresponding pictures (or video) to be able to understand them. This becomes exhausting (and undoable) if many people around me are talking. This is the place I also came to, I just became exhausted with the constant work involved in trying to accommodate the neurotypicals around me. I found this tiring on several levels. First of all was the noise, the constant droning , too loud, too much noise. I tried everything to buffer down the noise. Earplugs, leaving the room to sit quietly in the bathroom (but really ? how long can a person spend in the bathroom before people begin to worry), arranging to leave places early to get out of the noise and then barricading myself in a dark quiet room to decompress (while husband and/or kids glamored for my attention), exiting a business meeting to go and just sit in my quiet car (usually in tears) while I waited for myself to calm down and for the pain to subside. Just how many times can a person do this, before the therapist suspects it is from repressed childhood memories of sexual abuse (there was none), or the psychiatrist says you have Bipolar Disorder (I don't) ?

In July 2009 I had my hearing tested specifically to ascertain if I might have a rare neurological condition known as hyperacusis. I have normal hearing, have never had any damage to my ears (they are normal), and the worst case of hyperacusis the technician administering the test had ever seen. Normal Loudness Discomfort Levels (LDL's) are 90-100dB. My LDL was 50dB in the middle frequencies, and dropped to 30dB at both the high and low frequencies, which turns out I can hear at 0dB, while normal people don't hear them until they get to 20dB. So in addition to the ability to hear sounds no one else CAN hear, I also cannot tolerate them above the level of 50 decibels, which is about what a quiet conversation in a library would register on the decibel scale.

Suddenly the decades I had spent melting down at what seemed the drop of a hat, made sense now.

<I was promoted to Training Supervisor. It was deemed that I would be a good teacher, and I was. But it was people that undid me.>

I was promoted countless times, and found the same thing to be true. I just could not fathom what all the drama other people seemed to thrive on, was about ! It all seemed so pointless to me and downright stupid ! I was an excellent teacher, but the politics of the workplace (and did I mention the noise?) always left me either leaving the job, or gradually being "phased out".

< I spent 6 months after hospital in a total fugue. 2 years later with my shiny new shrinks observing me all this time, it has been declared it is AS and has been all along. I am off the drugs and healing my battered soul. >

Depression hit me hard in my 30's, so hard that at one point in time I was nearly catatonic. Desperate to take care of my three young children, I agreed to see a psychiatrist who prescribed the then new medication Prozac (an SSRI - fluoxetine). With a straight face and a cheery smile the psychiatrist told me this medication had "no side effects". Even in my extremely depressed state, I laughed out loud ! I said "oh please, it does have side effects, you just don't know what they are yet. In ten years the side effect profile will start to be published in medical journals. Until then I am just a guinea pig". She knew I was right, and ruefully agreed with me, and lo and behold now there are numerous well known side effects attributed to Prozac.

I used the lowest dosage then available of fluoxetine (20mg), and took it every other day (it has a long half life), so effectively cut even that in half. It worked for the depression ! I thought I had solved my problems and was ready to meet life head on again, thinking I had vanquished the despair for good. For 10 years the Prozac enabled me to stay out of the depths of depression, what it did not do, was change me from being on the autism spectrum to being neurotypical.

When the fluoxetine "pooped out" (the actual term used by psychiatric professionals), I began spiraling into depression so fast it made everyone's head spin. I then "graduated" from a diagnosis of Major Depression, to Bipolar Disorder (even though I had never had a manic episode), and the medication merry go round began. For 2 years I tried everything typically used to treat Bipolar, all to no avail. By this time I knew I had no tolerance for normal noise levels, and had an ultra sensitive central nervous system. As I researched the medications, I realized many of them (the mood stabilizers in particular) cause slow damage to the central nervous system. I suppose this is fine, if your CNS is robust to begin with, but mine was not ! So whatever help the meds would be providing my brain for mood modulation, it would at the same be making my acute sensitivities even worse . I already could not tolerate being touched, on these medications now my skin felt "prickly" and like I wanted to crawl out of it. Now when I tried to decompress from too much noise, I couldn't as an odd anxiety I had never had enveloped me. I had always slept well, and now insomnia began. For the first time in my life, I seriously considered suicide.

Instead I took a somewhat radical approach in 2006, after 2 years of non-stop medication compliance and therapy. I replaced both the medications and the therapy with alternative treatment protocols more amienable to someone on the autism spectrum. The first thing I did, was drop everything that was causing me pain. If I didn't want to go somewhere because of the noise level, I didn't go. If I didn't want to wear uncomfortable (albeit fashionable) clothing or shoes, I didn't wear them. I began to ask practical questions like "why do I have to do this?" or "is there another way to do this that would work better for me?" I got good at saying "that doesn't work for me" when pressed by neurotypical people to do what they thought I should do. And finally I adopted an almost totally reclusive lifestyle.

That was 4 years ago. After about 3 years of this shift in both thinking and lifestyle, an odd thing happened. I began to feel joy. A subtle deep permeating joy. And I realized why. The pain was gone! I had lived with chronic subtle non physical pain my entire life. It dawned on me why neurotypical people get so much done! They aren't constantly fighting the onslaught and pain of uncontrollable sensory stimuli .

I have "concentration fortitude" now in overflowing abundance, and I love it ! I can perseverate to my hearts content without fear of repercussions from those who just don't "get it".

Thanks for sharing your story, and maybe with your next job, when they offer that "great promotion" into management (of people !) you will just politely decline it.

Best regards,

Sharon

Though I mostly stopped trying to fit in long ago I am really scared fo something like this happening to me if I go for a dx. I hope you can find some way through it

For me (no official Dx) with the realisation of AS Shiela lost all hope of me ever improving me so that led to problems. However understanding myself better, at times I do respond more/better but at other times I am inclined to make less effort.

So IMHO a Dx can help, but you have to work at it.